Jingling With Yetis
by notsosolemnly
Summary: A 25 part Christmas adventure.
1. Chapter 1

JINGLING WITH YETIS - A 25 PART ADVENTURE

DECEMBER 1 MONDAY

The world looked cold outside the window. Snow powdered the frosty ground and all withered vegetatation bore a silvery shimmer from the icy crust that had befallen it.

As for the library, it was one of the warmer places at Hogwarts this time of year. The nicotine infused vapour that painted everything grey and made throats itch for a cough, coupled with the steaming hot tea that was snuck past madam Pince while she had her back bent over her squeaking carriage (and thereby defying the No Tea signs) both mingled with the dry and dusty air that was doomed to afflict any respectable collection of really old scriptures and transformed the place into something that could almost be considered cosy.

Remus was looking at patterns because he had last week signed up to help make the costumes for the school production of A Christmas Carol, mostly because he wanted an excuse to use a really neat thimble he had found in his search for a new thimble at a second hand that had not known its true worth. What made it so neat, in his eyes anyway, was that it was a thimble that was shaped as a ring, which alone was enough to warrant further research. But what was truly eye catching was the mysterious runes. But what they meant wasn't really important. What was important was that he could make Scrooge's pyjamas a little 'spicier', whatever that meant, without pricking his finger. Sirius had absolutely demanded he'd be cast as Scrooge and would never settle for less than the leading role in any production, even if he had to wear a washed out pyjamas and a bald cap. Of course, he'd rather be seen dead than in a bald cap and a washed out pyjamas and was instead according to his own demand to be seen in a midnight blue plaid dressing gown and streaks of hair flair to very fashionably symbolize the true age of the character, arguing that greed and vanity were close companions anyway.

Remus put the books away and opened up a blank page in his sketch book, thinking he'd work out some alternative designs for a sexier type of nighthat when the sketch book was snagged from under his hands and thrown aside.

"Oi!" said Raz Vicious, a broadshouldered Slytherin with an equally broad nose flattened across his perfectly square face, with an arm around the tubercular Ebola Crool, who was the type of witch that gave bubblegum a bad reputation by having it be associated with nonchalance and disrespect. None of them responded well to being ignored.

"Oi you deaf?" said Vicious loudly when his presence wasn't acknowledged and rammed his fist in the table, and when that didn't do the trick either he tore off one of the sleeves on Remus's patched up over-robe and laughed.

"Ha ha what are you going to do now?"

He was going to sew it back, of course. He took out his little sewing kit and took off his robes, clinging to the hope that ignoring them would make them go away (that had _never_ worked on anybody) as he got to work. He used a neo orange thread and didn't really try to make it discrete since people noticed anyway. Besides, he had more fun experimenting and trying to make the stitches stand out. When he was finished, he couldn't very well just have orange stitches on one sleeve, the other had to look the same. He became so carried away by his own ideas that by the time he was finished he had a creation that probably violated the rules. Vicious and Crool had been watching the entire time. The bubblegum fell out of Crool's mouth.

"Oh my Sinterklaas that is so adorable!" she said, snagged the robe and ran away with it very rudely. Vicious wasn't as impressed. He just glared poisonously at Remus, messed up his sewing equipment and asked 'Denny' to wait up.


	2. Chapter 2

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 2 TUESDAY

What was this trend of ripping your robes apart only to put them back together all about, Sirius wondered when he kept seeing it everywhere. And why were everybody using the loudest threads possible? This was a mystery he had pondered all day, at classes, meals and breaks. When he had returned to the dorm after having pondered the mystery on his way from the rehearsals he made a horrible discovery.

He sawthat box of rusty old needles on Remus's bed, just carelessly left in the open like that for everybody to see while he had his head under the bed, tending to dust caps or who knew what.

"Care to explain this?" Sirius asked, rattling the box. He felt so betrayed, in so many way.s How could a person do this to themselves and those around them?

Remus hit his head in the bed boards getting out.

"It's nothing"

"'Nothing'? You said you'd quit. This isn't the answer when things get tough! It's so heartbreaking, seeing these rusty infected needles you probably bought in an alley somewhere by some shady dealer"

"You do worse things"

"You can catch infections this way!"

"I use a thimble! Usually..." He dived under his bed again but didn't stay there for long.

"They're only 99% safe!"

"Just get off my back, alright? Why must you hassle me for a harmless pasttime?"

 _Harmles past time?_ Sirius glanced at the oversized warddrobe in the corner with horror. The things, oh, the things he had seen in there. Things that made fear of clowns a sensible fear. Clashing patterns, mismatched colours, limegreen, polkadots vests that resembled the bastard child of the tooth fairy and a bad trip... He brought nice, classy green frocks with matching goose hats to his mind to calm himself from the traumatic crimes of fashion he had seen in there once upon a time. He had thought this was over. This couldn't go on.

"I am sorry" he said. "But it is time for an intervention"

He opened the wardrobe doors and took out the first item he reached, which happened to be a rather gorgeous mosaic waistcoat with rainbow buttons, a tad on the bolder side but not extremely. Sirius was actually impressed, and even a little jealous for not having this natural talent for design. But this waistcoat, it had to be a happy accident, an exception to the rule. He tossed it aside and took out what appeared to be a top weaved from straps of old tops. It had this rough unpolished quality to it, but stylishly so and it seemed comfortably stretchy and formfitting at the same time. He tossed it aside as well and next he found a pair of tights entirely made from discarded left gloves, which were just so perfectly sewn together

"Woah!"

"I saw you throwing them in the compost heap" said Remus. "I hope you don't mind"

Sirius tossed the glove tights aside, and stuck his hand back in. The next thing he found was just as mindblowing, it was an overcoat entirely braided from belts and after that he found a skirt compiled of zippers.

"I think I have a problem" said Remus, shrinking.

"I say. Your problem is you're not designing for royal weddings"

A business idea formed in Sirius mind, he could just see the celebrities fighting over the latest creation from Lunatique Fashions. He needed to be the one to make money off of this. He was going to put up an ad for original yule ball designs immediately on notice boards allover, but keep the applications until his sequin leather dressing gown was finished.


	3. Chapter 3

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 3 WEDNESDAY

Requests for daring disco creations came in showers at breakfast, landing in butter, getting sticky corners in jam and brown stains in coffee. Peter accidentally ate a piece of a request when it landed on his cheese on toast just as it was going into his mouth.

"I don't have time for this" said Remus and squeezed the tea out of a letter back into his cup.

"You have time for some don't quit on me" said Sirius.

"You could have asked me"

"No. But I know you'll do it when you see the samples"  
"I'm sure it will all look cool" said James, looking at some of the requests that had infested his rice krispies. "But somehow a clown nose bikini seems to lack the class of a traditional ball gown. But I don't want to be the old fashioned one"  
"I'm glad. Then will you sign my petition?" Sirius asked and handed over his clipboard.

"You're petitioning for a yule disco? What's the difference?"  
"Well instead of being a stuffy ball it will be a disco, for a start. And it could have activities and competitions and a soul train maybe"

"How many signatures do you need?"

"I thought that fifty would be enough"

It was time to go and the boys finished their lukewarm beverages.

After each class Sirius made sure to get everybody's signature by means of telling or threatening. When the end of Transfiguration class rang in the day's hours of leisure he had fiftytwo names on his list, but only if he was counting doubles.

"Professor McGonagall" he said to professor McGonagall after class. "I'm petitioning for a yule disco and I have fiftytwo names. The public has spoken. Can we have a yule disco?"

"No" professor McGonagall replied without even looking at the list.

"Come on why not?"

"Because people will dance inappropriately and show too much skin"

"What is this, Iran?"

"That's racist" said Fatima Ali in passing on her way out.  
"No it's stereotyping"  
"Sorry but the answer is no" said professor McGonagall, bunching her papers together and sticking them in files.

"But you know I'll just ask professor Dumbledore and he will say yes"  
Professor McGonagall closed a file with a click and asked to see the clipboard, and she could.

"What's this? _I_ signed this?"

"You did? Then why are you disagreeing with me?"

"You actually have 47 signatures" said professor McGonagall and returned the clipboard. "Not that it matters"  
There was never any reasoning with professor McGonagall but Sirius always had to try just so he could at least say that he had tried. But he had higher hopes for professor Dumbledore and took his clipboard there.

Professor Dumbledore was weighing large, red feathers on a scale when he waved Sirius in.

"Will you sign my petition?" Sirius asked.

"What sort of petition?"

"Just a petition for a yule disco"  
"Certainly I will! Just give it to me!"  
Sirius handed it over and professor Dumbedore scribbled at the bottom what looked like one long curvy line.

"Where did you get all those feathers?" Sirius asked in the meantime.

"Oh... Just found them, that's all. They are phoenix feathers, and they are extremely lucky. I thought I'd sell them to Filiwinkle on Wandstreet. There you are. I hop it's ok that I signed, although I had already signed four times"

"It's fine." said Sirius and signed Dumbledore's name a few more times. Petitions were a great way to collect signatures, and then practice them.

"Does it pay well, to sell him stuff?" he asked.

"Depends on what you sell, don't it? If you try to sell him sashimi and call it mermaid tongues, then not as much, depending on if it's lunchtime or not"

"Oh right. Well, see you later"

"Alright. Oh, and you can take the ring there, too. I found it in the lost and found and needed desperately to fix my hat"

Sirius took the ring and slid it over his finger, just to try it out. Now he really wanted to sell Filiwinkle some core material as well. He had always thought of it, but always postponed it. The past couple of years he had collected so many shedded claws and fangs and put them through all sorts of experiments so he knew they were potent during all phases.


	4. Chapter 4

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 4 THURSDAY

The old man Filiwinkle sneered like a pervert behind the Hogsmead-based dusty old wand shop.

"Oh yes you are here to touch my wands I have some very big ones" he said, drooling.

"Get your biggest one I want to see it" said Sirius and put his box of various core materials on the counter while Filiwinkle took a large oak branch from under the glass.

"You like them long and hard don't you?" said Filiwinkle, now holding the wand in his lumpy old fingers. "This one is oak, 170 cm, gorgon hair. But be very gentle, so it doesn't emit sparks too, ahem, prematurely"

Premature, another word ruined by perverts. Sirius felt the weight of the oak staff and returned it for he wasn't her to shop for wands, he was here to sell. But he had to be discrete, because Remus wanted to try his luck with kraken suction cups and hydra gills although those came from aged specimen and didn't retain their properties very well after a natural death. A fairtrade shelf provided Sirius just the discretion he needed for his trade. He leaned over the counter to whisper while Remus looked through a brochure about plant based cores.

"Hey listen. What do you want for these claws?"

"Depends on what sort of claws they are, dunnit?" Filiwinkle replied.

"Oh, you know, just your ordinary..." Sirius looked back. "Oh look what's out there? Some sort of bubblegum-book-spriggan-paperclip..."

"That sounds unusual" said Filiwinkle, trying to get a look at the streets. "Maybe it's from that new shop on the corner, Bubble's Galore. They sell all sorts of odd things I hear"  
When Filiwinkle began to list list their bubblegum based products, such as Newton's cradles, balloons and now yule decorations, Remus just let him have his core material for free so he could leave to check it out.

"Oh how very generous" said Filiwinkle and whipped out a ruler to measure the suction cup diameters.

"Can't you value my stuff first?" Sirius asked. "And then pay me"

"So what am I looking at?"

Just another quick look behind him assured that no unwanted ears were hearing.

"They're werewolf claws, alright?"

Terror overcame Filiwinkle and he became pale as a ghost, for common superstition held that the w-word was a very unlucky one indeed, that bad luck haunted anybody who heard it and doomed them to tragic fates. It was a nice little belief that took an indivicual's poor life choices out of the equation.

But Filiwinkle let the initial shock wash off him and his skin tone return to its usual sickly pallidness.

"Sure they are" he said and shoved the box from him.

"It's true. Look"

Sirius stabbed the counter frame with a claw and the area grew a patch of rough fur that at this time of year began to show streaks of white. Filiwinkle could not argue with such plain evidence.

"How did you get hold of this, and in such quantities?" he asked.

"Don't ask, don't tell. I like to shoot them in my spare time, what of it?"

"Oh, bless you, you brave, brave laddie!" said Filiwinkle and wiped a tear from his wrinkled eye. Then he paid a generous four figure sum for the box, as well as a three figure sum for the suction cups and gills for Sirius just would not hear of such nonsense as 'giving it away for free'. With the money in his hands he stepped aside to count them when two wizards in blue hunter robes entered the shop, one of which placed a broken staff on the service counter. Filiwinkle put his loupe to his best eye and bent over the item.

"Can you fix it?" asked the owner.

"What happened, Kenneth?" Filiwinkle asked.

"Broke it trying to catch a yeti. Me and my partner Dave here have sighted a yeti near the Sheeglen ski resort.

"Sheeglen, really? That is so near. Can you be sure? It sounds so unusual"

"It is unusual. I thought they had been wiped from the country completely. But this is off the record, alright? I'd appreciate it if you didn't blab to the press. That will just give the hippies a field day"

"Say no more, I understand perfectly well. I have them marching outside my shop every weekend with their 'Make wheat protein not magic' signs"

The men shared a good laugh and Filiwinkle's back cracked when he bent it over the staff, looking so closely at the damage that his long and crooked nose touched it.

"I see that the mermaid tongue core has been damaged as well" he noted. "This will take some time to repair"  
"I don't care what you do, Herbert, as long as it suits my hunter needs"

Sheeglen, was a perfect coincidence. That was the precise location the boys were travelling tomorrow for the weekend with their entire year.

"Right" said James when they were out on the street. "If we're going to look for yetis, should we bring something? Like a large net, or treats"

"I know shops that sell mating call whistles" said Sirius. "And hunters that have sorely regretted blowing one"

But before they went to check out any hunter shops they thought they'd pass on the message at Bubble's Galore. The shop was very crowded on its day of opening. There was no product that didn't come in either pastel or neon. The boys got migraines just looking through the window and thankfully they didn't have to go inside for a crowd of ten poured through the door and Remus was among them.

"How were you going to shop without core-money?" Sirius asked and handed over the silver-free change the suction cups and gills had generated.

"I didn't come here to shop, but to steal" Remus replied.

"Oh. I can never figure you out"

"Steal ideas, I mean"

"Did you find any ideas worth stealing?"

"No. It sounds great, but a bubblegum castle can never be anything else. You know? It's so limited. Besides, Mr. Galore is rude and a thief"

"How so?"

"He accused me of shop lifting just so he could steal my bubblegum, although his shop doesn't even sell the non-stick-ultra-tough because it's _my_ recipe"

"Then you better patent it quick, before he tries to sue you"

"I'm not going to do that"

When Mr. Galore came out of his shop and told the boys they were blocking costumers his rudeness and greed was not just reputation to them anymore. Since Remus had no further errands in Hogsmead, because sometimes he just didn't know what was best for him, he returned to Hogwarts with Peter while James and Sirius went to the patent office to fill out an application themselves.


	5. Chapter 5

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 5 FRIDAY

Ah, Friday, sweet, sweet, Friday, so faithfully ringing in the weekend. And what an exciting weekend it was going to be, one the boys had been looking forward to since October.

In Hogsmead a large single-decker was being loaded with luggage and every magical 15-year old in the land. Professor McGonagall stood at the doors dressed completely in green tartan, sending home any rascal that didn't belong while Hagrid sat at the wheel. When everybody who was supposed to be on board was on board at last, Hagrid was told to hit the gas.

It was just before four o' clock and the passengers had a three hour journey ahead of them. Sirius, who had snagged one of the window seats while James snagged the other, leaned against the dusty curtains and glanced at the group of seats across from his, where Roy and Phil were reading lines from the A Christmas Carol script.

"Psst" Sirius whispered so Roy would turn his fake grin his way.

"What?" Roy asked.

"I know something that you don't..." Sirius teased in sing-song, although he knew a lot of things that Roy didn't. Everybody knew a lot of things that Roy didn't.

"Oh yeah what?" Roy asked.

"It's a secret, alright?"

Roy smiled even more, since his default expression was always a smile. He was physically incapable of smiling less, it was as if his brain made the wrong connections.

"So why did you even bring it up?"

"Listen I'd love to chat" said Sirius and whipped out his audio recorder. "But I better rest for my big expedition. It will be dangerous, but what writer isn't prepared to die for his art, am I right?"

Roy seemed to find the notion of Sirius being a writer just as laughable as Sirius found the notion of Roy being a writer laughable.

"You're not a writer"

"You don't know me!"

Sirius turned back to the window where the city flashed by and spoke into his recorder:

"Expedition Y, day 1. We're on the bus to the Sheeglen ski resort. All the equipment was tested prior take off and is functioning well. The expedition is still in the planning stages. How's the planning coming along?"

Remus sat beside him with a large map on his lap that would not stop rolling together, trying to mark certain key locations with a red pen.

"This area here is guarded by angry things" he said, awkwardly trying to keep the map straight with one hand so he could point with the other. "And here is the reserve, where hunters have set up camps. Hyperborea should be somewhere around here in the arctic ocean, let me switch to the Mytical Lands Atlas..."

"I know you would like to move it" said James. "But what if there's a lot of them?"

"Who has ever heard of a flock of yetis?"

"I'm not asking the question on everybody's mind"

"Good then I won't have to answer it. I know it's very unrealistic to try to move it, and I don't really want to. But they belong in the North Pole, not here! Woops..."

Remus covered his mouth, as if he had said something inappropriate.

"What?" James asked.

"What if I'm masking some sort of xenophobia?"

"We're all masking _that"_

"If you were racist you'd know" said Sirius assured him.

"Would I really?" Remus asked. "It's not like I've ever been confronted with it, so how can I be sure?"

"Get an ethnical girlfriend, that's the way to be sure"

Fletcher popped up above their heads at this point.

"It's true!" he said. "I have a penpal in Mexico. One time, due to some sort of mix up at the condor post office, I began to exchange letters with a mayan witch called María Conchita Lucía Camilla Tarona Corona Cerveza Anne De Jesus and she recently sent me a photo. Look, isn't she pretty?"

Apparently Fletcher was so infatuated already he kept a photograph in his dirty pocket. His accidental penpal was certainly too pretty for Fletcher.

"Aha" said James, sceptical. "And she's your girlfriend?"

"Sure is!" Fletcher replied proudly.

"Did you send her a photo?"

"Sure did!"

"A photo of you?"

"I took the photo if that's what you're asking"  
"You just sent a photo of Sirius, didn't you?"

"Yes"  
"I've underestimated your intelligence"

"You're the reason I keep getting valentines from 50+ men with speedboats?" Sirius asked.

"We've had some great boat trips thanks to me"

"So, what's this expedition?" Fletcher asked.

"Really scary" said Sirius and shooed him back where he came from. Then he brough the audio recorder back to his lips. "Expedition Y, day 1. It's ten past four. Expedition Y was almost revealed to Fletcher, whom we must watch out for. I think that is a correct use of 'whom'... Currently we're looking into taking Expedition Y to Hyperborea, also known as the North Pole, a mythical island reputedly located in the middle of the arctic ocean. There we may or may not have to get with the locals to prove how not-racist we are, since we're all so very lily-white and don't interact much with other ethnicities. Although I think I've already proven that I'm not a racist"

"Isn't that what the explorers did?" Remus asked, although probably not really. "Travelled to new continents, got with the locals, wiped them out with their STD's"

"I don't have any STD's. Do you?"

"I just don't think that taking a fancy to somebody of a different ethnicity proves that the person isn't racist, that's all"

"Are you doing that thing where you take what we say way too seriously and treat us as idiots?"

"I'm sure you mean well, but people really believe that. We've never been exposed to different cultures so we can't be sure"

"You're a different culture"

"I know how we could get to the North Pole" said James. "Emergency helicopter"  
Now that sounded like a complete plan and there was really only one threat they worried about. The boys knew to whip out their homework at this point, to keep up appearances.

"Good afternoon" said professor McGonagall when she stopped by, acting casual but so obviously making sure they were being good. "What are you doing here, then?"

"Homework" replied the boys, smiling like angels.

"Sounds good keep it up" said professor McGonagall and moved on.

Hogsmead was far behind the bus now. The skyline of the quaint little town or quiet village had long since been replaced by powdered meadows and partially frozen lakes, and darkness was falling.


	6. Chapter 6

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 6 – SATURDAY

The boys awoke in bunk beds in a log cabin at 8, had a sandwich breakfast in the ski resort cafeteria at 9 and after that the four of them parted into pairs; James and Sirius, who were more adventurous, took the lift to Killer's Peak, the tallest ski slope at the resort, while Remus and Peter who were a bit more, ahem, careful wanted to get used to their skis at the Junior Peak, a slope mainly frequented by small children, their mums or some other supervising adult and Hufflepuffs.

At the top of Killer's Peak, James could see the emergency through his orange ski goggles.

"I bet the helicopters are at the back" he said, pointing with a ski pole. "Learning to operate one should be easy enough. Have you practiced your flirting?"

"I don't 'flirt' my way to stuff" Sirius still insisted, because James had asked him to flirt himself to helicopter lessons at the sandwich breakfast. "People just see what they want to see"

"So how do you get your way?"

"I'm just nice. And... interested"

"You're only nice and interested when you flirt"

"Whatever. It makes me feel like I'm infiltrating for the CIA"

Sirius pulled his blue ski goggles over his eyes and kicked off. Halfway down the slope he made a very strange leap that had him land on a broken leg. Many skiers stopped to see what had happened while he sat in the snow, giggling from the pain.

"Ow that hurts" he moaned.

"You could have faked it" said James and fired an SOS that manifested in a rocket flare. Looking out at the center of the resort he could see a light blue helicopter lift from the emergency garage and come chuffing to Killer's Peak, where it dropped off two paramedics with a stretcher before it even landed.

"How does this feel?" asked a woman paramedic and got down on her knees to feel Sirius's broken leg.

"That really hurts stop it!" Sirius snapped at her and then assumed milder manners for the male paramedic. "But what you're doing, that feels really good"  
Together both paramedics lifted him onto the stretcher and carried him into the helicopter, and that was step one smoothly covered.

Being bed bound and waiting for the leg to heal was boring. Sirius had been forcefed a horrible potion first thing after his arrival and now he could feel its painful effect begin to kick in. Why couldn't he be sedated at a muggle hospital and have surgery performed on his injured bodypart, he wondered. Surely muggles were more generous with the morphine.Sirius had been given morphine, one measly shot which took the pain away but didn't give that pleasant haze he was after and the stupid nurse wouldn't give him more. He pressed the red button again and again until the frumpy nurse Cowslip came in.

"Where's Greg?" Sirius asked. Greg was the paramedic he was trying to flirt with.

"He's a paramedic he has to be ready in case of emergency" replied nurse Cowslip for the teenumpth time.

"My love is an emergency! Can I have more morphine?"

"No!" said nurse Cowslip as finally as before and slammed the door after her, but the door didn't remain closed for very long. James was here, and so was Remus and Peter and they were all wet from the snow and rosy from the cold and they bid a polite hello and removed their wooly hats and mittens.

"How are you doing?" Remus asked and picked up the journal.

"Great awesome fantastic" Sirius replied sinking back. "At the Heart & Soul Healer Center in Spells & Curses the patients always get a morphine button that they can press all they want for all their morphine needs. But not here. The stupid nurse gave me one shot"

The journal didn't entertain Remus for very long and he put it back on the bed railing.

"I have some morphine if you want" he said and somehow they light seemed to cast a halo around him.

"You do?" Sirius wanted morphine, but he'd prefer to mooch hospital morphine than the morphine of the needy.

"Yes. Do you want it?"

"Well... I mean, if you don't _need_ it..."

"No. I think it's only fair, after what you did and what you're trying to do"

"Ok cool thanks a lot"

Now beside him, Remus uncorked the needle in Sirius's arm and stuck one of his morphine shots in the valve like a real professional (he even put on disposable gloves and disinfected them, first, like he probably had seen madam Pomfrey do so many times) and pressed the plunger. Hazy bliss entered the blood stream and Sirius could feel the pillow suck his head deeper.

"Feel better?" Remus asked when he had put the cork back and removed the gloves.

"Yes, angel of morphine" Sirius slurred, seeing pretty swallowtails fluttering beneath the ceiling.

"Great. Then you won't mind me asking just what possessed you to do something so utterly imbecilic?"

He had the softest and most soothing of voices.

"No it's all ok I love morphine why can't we all be on morphine all the time there'd be no wars"  
"Throwing yourself off Killer's Peak? It's like you do stupid things on purpose and sometimes I just want to put my fingers around your neck and twist it real good until your head comes off in frays of dripping tissue"

"It's like having your head cradled in fluffy clouds and kissed by sweet, sweet angels"

"That's nice. I'm going to add that to your journal now"

Those were the last words that Sirius's conscious mind registered before the swallowtails transformed into angels and came down to carry him to the wonderful realm of dreams.

The Glenshee Woodlands was a ten minute walk from the Killer's Peak. There old firs heavily weighed down by day old snow formed walls in all directions. Lifts travelled up and down in the near distance while the sun began to set at a slower pace.

"Ok let's look for it!" said James, stopping at a clearing to scan the immediate area around him, which consisted of trees. Trees and untreaded snow. "So, what exactly do yetis like?"

"Snow" said Remus.

"And what else?"

"Ice"

"And whatelse?"

"Icicles. Rocks. What was the fifth thing?"  
"Hey" said James, getting an idea. "Do you think it would like it if we, you know..." He wiggled his brows suggestively. He couldn't get any clearer than that.

"What?"

"Tied Wormtal to a cliff somewhere?"

"I don't know but I don't think he would like it"  
"Hey why me?" Peter asked in protest.

"We gotta sacrifice a willing maiden, that's tradition!" said James.

Peter blushed. "I'm not a... _willing maiden!"_

"There's another thing that has a better chance of success" said Remus. "Some legends, I mean factual accounts, hold that if you speak the name of a yeti it will come and carry you away"

"How are we supposed to know what it's called?"

"I bet those hunters that were at Filiwinkle's Wand Shop knew. Maybe they even named it"

"And _I_ bet they named it after themselves because it's what I would have done"  
"Just what were they called? Craig or Carl..."

"Stop trying to guess the name. I have to guess the name, so it will come and carry me away"

"Can we at least flip a coin?"

"Alright. You're tails" James put a coin on his index finger and thumb and flipped. "Heads. I win. I wish I could just do it right away, but I'm not entirely sure Padfoot has enough time to flirt himself to helicopter lessons now. Perhaps I should just find a manual"

"Hey look!" Peter yelled. He had wandered off a few meters and stopped at an indentation in the snow. "It looks like a foot print"  
The oddly shaped indentation in the snow did indeed look like a footprint, and it looked fresh as well. Looking around, the boys could see a number of identical footprints coming out of one part of the forest and continuing through another and they could just tear their heads off for not having noticed anything.

"Nobody must see the foot prints" said Remus and began to weave large bubblegum webs over the trees where the footprints emerged and also over the trees where they disappeared and after that he began to kick snow into the indentations. It wasn't the most discrete or subtle of solutions, but it got the job done and for anybody who would come to pass through the clearing now yetis would be the last thing on their minds.

The morphine had worn off and Sirius was bored again, bored and cursing his increasing tolerance. His leg, although healing under the cast, was still broken but now he could sit on the side of the hospital bed and look at the lifts going up and down outside the window, surrounded by more flowers than the combined bouquet beds he had seen at various funerals he had attended, as well as cards and sweets and he had no recollection of who had brought them. A badger card that reeked of nicotine caught his attention first and he opened it.

 _Sorry nobody is protecting your stuff, or shall I say, my stuff. Fletch._

Poor, dumb Fletch, so optimistic in the face of constant defeat. But Sirius appreciated the originality in the ocean of trite clichés. Most of the cards just said: _Get well soon._ Boring, it was as if they were under the impression that he had gone through life threatening soul surgery. . It was weird, there really seemed to be more cards than Sirius knew people, but a number of them turned out to be of extremely spontaneous nature. _Hey I just came by to visit my gran. I'm Anne. Here's my photo and here's my number. Call me, ok?_

Sirius tossed that card aside and opened the fuming badger one again just to inhale that second hand lung cancer.

Nurse Cowslip came in with a pair of crutches to another patient that was an elderly woman.

"Alright Mrs. Jones. Do you want to give the crutches a go?"

Mrs. Jones replied that yes she would and next she was already walking around the room supported on crutches and stopped at the window to look outside. The nurse hung around for a minute and left again when she saw that her patient could handle her own.

"Mrs. Jones?" said Sirius. "How about some gumdrops for a go at your crutches?"

"Hm. What else you got?" said Mrs. Jones and came over to look more closely at the generous assortment. There was enough on the little table to start a trolley business. Sirius took her through the items briefly.

"Liquorice wheels, liquorice allsorts, liquorice pipes, some caramels, toffe, chocolate. Just take whatever. I shouldn't, really"

There was even a box of plain sugar cubes dripping in amnesia potion from Roy and his card said: _Happy crunching!_

Mrs. Jones and was not shy and began to help herself without holding back, sighing and mumbling over everything she grabbed.

"Alright" she said when she had collected about a third of the selection. "I think this is enough for me and my beautiful and single granddaughters"  
Mrs. Jones put her items of choice on her bed and let Sirius have the crutches. With their support he could get a better view at the resort as well as open the window for air exchange.

Professor McGonagall was conversing with professor Flitwick just outside the coffee shop. Sirius pondered jinxing one of them but thought that they were both close enough to the hospital to be carried inside by random passers by. He looked further, at the slopes. He summoned his multi-box and elected the binoculars to see more clearly.

Professor Sprout sat on the lift going to Junior Peak, the least frequented ski slope because few were so open about their cowardice. While she sat there, Sirius drifted off for a moment, envisioning her in a hospital bed in a cast leg crying for professor McGonagall to represent her at the Sheeglen Badger Patrol.

By the time he awoke from this fantasy professor Sprout was already getting off the lift.

She was alone on the slope at the moment and Sirius had his wand ready, waiting for her to ski downhill and hoping she'd do so before the next lift dropped off the group of seniors that were getting off next.

When finally she began to glide at an escalating, for want of better word, speed, Sirius jellified the entire slope and watched it jiggle so professor Sprout lost balance and rolled the rest of the way, her skis and poles sticking out in a fast motion blur in a very cartoony way until a wooden pole at the foot of the hill caught a very shocked and upset as well moderately fractured herbology teacher.

Sirius returned the gelatinous slope to its former state, himself to his bed and the crutches to Mrs. Jones.

The door burst open in no time. The paramedics rolled professor Sprout to a free bed and lifted her while professor McGonagall watched.

"The entire thing turned into jelly!" professor Sprout gasped, more shocked than she was in pain.

Nurse Cowslip gave her a goblet full of a level 3 healing potion and the paramedics were already leaving with their stretcher. Damn, always in such hurry! Sirius needed to act fast _again._

"Erm woopsie!" he said and rolled off the bed. "Help please help! Not _you!"_

Nurse Cowlsip backed away, a little scared, and made way for Greg, who helped him up. Sirius's luck had really made itself known today in a plan that relied so heavily on chance.

"Thanks Greg" he said as sweetly as he could fake it. "I'm so clumsy when I'm nervous"

"Who isn't?" said Greg.

" _'Who isn't?'_ Good one!"  
"I have a beautiful single grandson!" Mrs. Jones yelled from across the room, but Sirius refused to break eye contact with Greg.

"Is he a paramedic?" he whispered.

Greg began to back away, because this was of course a very inappropriate situation for him, he could get in such trouble with the law and the society.

"I have to go now. Take care" he said.

"Ok you too!"

Sirius slipped his multi-box in Greg's pocket when his back was turned, and if he didn't return it, well, tomorrow morning Sirius would be able to walk again. When the paramedics had gone he found that he was being stared at by nosy teachers.

"What?"

"Nothing we just really thought..." said professor Sprout,

"It doesn't matter" said professor McGonagall, putting her gloves back on. "Just leave the paramedics alone, ok? They're busy"

"Alright I'll do that" said Sirius.

Professor McGonagall was but one of many that came and went until evening fell and visiting hour was over. When professor Sprout had been snoring for an hour and stars had been up for two Sirius began to doubt that Greg would return at all. But it wasn't the end of the world, for there was still tomorrow

But Greg actually returned, dressed in civil clothes and multi-box in hand.

"This is yours, isn't it?" he asked.

"It is thanks for returning it" Sirius replied and was glad to feel the multi-box in his hands again after having been separated from it for hours.

"How did it even get in my pocket?" Greg asked.

"I planted it on you. Hey I want to be a paramedic, so can I follow you around at work tomorrow?"

"I don't see why not if you have permission"

"Ok cool. See you tomorrow bye"  
It took a little longer than necessary for Greg to just leave again. Now Sirius just wished he had thought of hat follow-you-around-at-work thing sooner, because he feared that Greg would become clingy.


	7. Chapter 7

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 7 SUNDAY

It was sometime after seven in the morning when Sirius took his belongings and snuck out of the ward unnoticably without first being discharged. Greg's shift had started at six. The bus left at three.

Following Greg around while he gave a guided tour of his work place wasn't extremely interesting. What did Sirius care about offices and where the tea bags were, he wanted to see the action.

"Can I see the helicopters?" he asked when Greg was just saying good morning to co workers.

"Sure" said Greg and showed the way as usual but insisted they both finished their coffee before they went inside one.

"Could you give me a lesson in the basics?" Sirius asked next and expected a bit of opposition at the very least. But Greg just went along with it and took him through the various buttons, panels and meters and it was a good thing that Sirius was blessed with a static brain and was not prone to forgetfulness.

It was absurd how unsuspicious Greg was during the entire lesson. It was like even Sirius's schemes were on holiday. When Greg had explained the workings of the motor, Sirius even dared ask if they could go for a ride.

"I can't just take off, in case of emergency" said Greg.

"Right, right. So, just what sort of emergency would require a helicopter?"

"Emergencies that are far away or so isolated we can't pinpoint the exact location for precise apparition"

"Right, right. That makes sense. My questions must be really stupid"

"Not at all! Some of the simplest questions are the most important questions!"

Now there was a sentiment Sirius didn't particulary share, but he pretended to find it profound and insightful.

"I wish I could take you on a mission" said Greg.

"That's ok. The important thing is that people are safe" Sirius lied.

"That is so true. You seem so nice and mature. I bet people tell you that all the time"

"Oh yeah. Anyway, you can go back to your hole stapling if you want, but do you mind if I hang around for a bit? Erm, for smoking"

"Not at all. I trust you"

"Wow"

"What?"

"Nothing"

As soon as Sirius was alone with the helicopters Sirius put his multi-box to his ear. It was all so surreal. Here nobody suspected him for scheming or assumed he was dishonest in some way. Out here his acting actually fooled people outside school productions.

"Lady to Bambi do you copy over" he spoke into his multi-box.

" _Bambi copies. How's bring-Lolito-to-work-day?"_

"Better than planned. Greg does everything I ask, because he actually thinks I'm a good person. None of the paramedics peer at me with suspicion. Now I know what it feels like to be Moony"

" _We think you're a good person, although of course not_ as _good"  
_ "Ok so I'm close to being an as-good person, but I'm not as-good. There's a difference"

" _You're as-good many times"_

"Anyway. I asked for a ride, but they can only go for an emergency"  
" _Say no more! Except the emergency requirements"_

"All you have to do is summon the paramedics somewhere up in the forest. Then I should get to see how it is done"  
" _Ok we'll go now keep channeling that inner slut I mean saint"_

They bid each other a copy-bye and hung up at the same time on three. There'd probably be less than an hour until the emergency call, so Sirius thought he'd play around with the buttons in the mean time, fuming up the helicopter with his fags but honouring the No-Tea signs, for spilling accidents were not a laughing matter.

Up in the forest clearing with the bubblegum web, James had an idea.

"I have an idea" he said. "Do any of you have peanuts?"

"You could just fake an allergic reaction" said Remus.

"But Padfoot says I have just about as much acting talent as Lassie"  
"Lots of people love Lassie"  
"But why does she wag her tail everytime somebody is trapped in a well? It's like she took directions from a cat"

Snow fell off firs in clumps. It was Roy and Phil who came out of the forest to pass through the clearing, quite the early birds this morning as well. Roy was speaking into his recorder.

"Such a majestic creature, truly" he said, speaking mock- documentary. "The contact we built, the mutual trust between us, truly... "

Why he had to pause everytime he said 'truly' was uncertain. Even Phil was puzzled by it. But Roy was only interested in his own voice at the moment.

"Truly... Truly it was an experience too profound to be expressed in words. At least I'm sure it would be if the stupid thing would show its stupid self! I mean seriously, you're only 4 meters tall so what are you afraid of? What are you afraid of, you... nnngh!"

Flushed from rage Roy threw his recorder at a tree, kicked another, hurt his foot and calmed himself. Then he noticed that he and Phil weren't alone.

"Oh, hello there" he said, casually brushing hair from his face. Then he turned suspicious. "Or shall I say: what are _you_ doing here?"

He picked up the recorder and turned away.

"Could this be the threat that is forcing it into hiding? Is there a correlation between the spreading civilization and mysterious retreats? When, oh, when will people leave these shy and gentle creatures alone?"

Roy heaved a sigh, turned off his recorder and turned back.

"Oh that? That was nothing. So, how is Sirius caviting- I mean coming along?"

"Just fine hey what time is it?" James asked.

"9:15" said Remus.

"Oh flip! I almost forgot my hourly mouthwash!"

James uncapped his coffee thermos and glugged.

"You can't beat warm mouthwash. Do you know that if you warm mouthwash it helps to expand the molecule strings which gives their healing fibers more surface area. I don't need to explain to you what that means"

"No" said Roy uncertain. "Of course not..."

"I think I will need some more mouthwash, to make up for those fifteen minutes I was without mouth protection. To think that cavities can travel through your nose. Have you had your hourly mouthwash?"

"Actually I..." said Roy, and his bottomlip trembled a little "I only mouthwash every other hour"  
"Seriously? Eeeeew! Sympathy mouthwash!"

James gargled some more coffee. Biscuits would have been nice.

"But I floss every thirty minutes! I have always flossed every thirty minutes! Oh God!"

Roy broke down and wept on the snow, which was very uncalled for. Phil tried to comfort him.

"Hey it's ok we're very close to the lifts now" he said.

"I didn't mean to upset you with my mouthwash" said James. Not yet anyway.

"His wand was stuck in a huge patch of nargle mucus an hour ago and he hasn't been able to floss since" Phil explained. "This resort must harbour the largest nargle colony in the world!"  
Roy sobbed so snow melted under his tears. James had never been very good at telling how far was going too far and he began to think that the nicer thing would have been to simply jellify Roy. At least then he'd be spared concern for his deteriorating oral hygiene for a jellified moment.

"It just seems too cruel now" said Remus who seemed to share the sentiment.

"But I'm still going to do it" said James.

"I could fake an allergic reaction"

"But you have the acting talent of a lamp post"

"Sorry to interrupt" said Phil. "Could Roy maybe have some of that warm mouthwash?"

"Absolutely help yourselves!" said James and handed over the thermos.

"Look I have some mouthwash!" Phil told Roy when he returned to him. "Mouthwash will make everything better!"

Roy sniffed and took the thermos that Phil had opened for him and drank, momentarily comforted by his belief that it was warm mouthwash. Then he grimaced as he analyzed the taste.

"Doesn't really taste how mouthwash usually tastes" he noted. "There's no hint of chlorhexidine at all"

"Muts be the taste of expanded molecule strings" said Phil.

"That's because it's really coffee" James revealed. "Surprise"  
Roy wailed in such internal anguish it was genuinely heartbreaking. Cyanide poisining wouldn't have triggured such severe anxiety.

"Send an SOS send one now!" he demanded, hysterical as well as hysterically. James was prepared to send an SOS, but Remus had already beat him to it.

"Now look-" said Phil, trying to reason.

"If I get discolorations on my enamel it will be all your fault if you don't send an SOS!"

A siren broke up their argument. A helicopter came propelling over the treetops and two paramedics came rushing out with a stretcher as soon as the vehicle had landed. Sirius camed out too but in lesser hurry and only to watch the drama unfold.

"What happened?" Greg asked Roy who was still crying floods.

"My friend had some coffee by accident" Phil explained.

"So what? Is he terribly allergic?"

"Apparently caffeine stains can form a lot faster than mainstream science will have us believe, because they are conspiring with dentists to bring down the national oral health"  
"Don't just gawp and take me to the ER imemdiately!" Roy raged, kicking with his legs from anger.

"Is this some sort of joke?" Greg asked. "Did you think it would be funny to send an SOS over some accidental coffee?"

"I didn't fire the SOS, sir!" said Phil.

"Me neither" said Roy. "But you're here so do your bloody job and save me!"

Greg turned to the other boys, looking accusing.

"I want to know who fired the SOS. Come on, who thought it would be a good idea to waste our time and resources?"

"He was hysterical we didn't know what to do" said James, shrugging and not particularily threatened by a paramedic's inability to hand out punishments.

"We were scared, ok?" Remus blurted out, getting a little hysterical, too.

"Alright" said Greg. "I'm prepared to believe you were confused and thought it was a real emergency"

"Yeah we were confused alright" James agreed. "And he was scared but I wasn't scared"

The paramedics took the stretcher and returned to the helicopter. If only there was a way to get rid of them and keep the helicopter, while it was here.

Then somebody fired another SOS in another part of the forest not too far from the clearing and James noticed that Remus was no longer with them. Despite the recent case of boy-who-cried-coffee, the paramedics had no choice but to locate the source, by foot because it wasn't so far away and with Roy and Phil tailing after.

 _By saying its name, the yeti will come and abduct the speaker. The name is whatever name it has first been given by a human, since yetis don't give each other names, that's silly._

Being carried off by a 4 meter yeti was bumpy. Reading while up there was bumpy. But Remus had already read that part, he wanted to see whatelse Yetis 101 had to say. James had been correct in guessing what the name might be, and after ransacking his mind the correct name turned out to be Kenny.

The white fur felt wet and cold against the cheek. Remus used one hand to shoot bubbles at the tree tops for the helicopter, the other to read and Shishi the Kappa to browse for him. Kenny didn't even notice the water imp sitting on top of his head, either that or he simply didn't mind.

"Browse. Browse. Browse. Ok here's something"

 _Yetis are really stupid. By something as simple as rubbing their fur over you they will be tricked into believing that you, too, are a yeti. They will be very fascinated with you, whom they will think is they._

Hours passed and trees became scarce, the air dry and the environment rocky and open. The sun was peaking when Kenny finally stoped his journey. Knowing he'd be dropped soon, Remus stuck some gum to the back of his furry neck and gave the yeti a very local waxing. Enraged by this, Kenny tried to grab hold of him but Remus was already climbing down. About half way the yeti pulled him off and let him fall the rest of the way so he landed badly and broke a leg.

The yeti roared and punched its chest like a gorilla and was just about to throw Remus a fist when he stuck the bit of fur he had waxed off to his chin like a beard wig. The yeti froze and began to stare at him, mesmerized. It stared for the purpose of staring and had no intention of stopping anytime soon.

While it did that, Remus experimented with his bubblegum engineering by letting candy coated gumballs bubble out of his palm and sticky strings shoot out of his finger tips and by combining both methods he managed to create a crutch to support himself with.

Looking out at the deserted landscape he thought he could hear the helicopter now and heaved himself up using his newly fashioned device. As for the yeti, it was big, he wasn't convinced it could fit inside the helicopter but he still began to prepare the tranquelizers he had brought, but he needed to sit down for that so he could use both hands.

"This won't hurt a bit" he said and was just about to stick a syringe in Kenny's calf when his eyes just froze and he began to fall forward, forcing Remus to crawl out of the way to not be squashed underneath. Two hunters from their own special helicopter rushed forwards to tie Kenny's arms and legs together, carry him into the helicopter and take off again.

It was all so anticlimatic, for all that planning to culminate in this. Now there could surely not be another yeti here, not because of hunters but because who had ever heard of a flock of yetis? They were so solitary and elusive that the WWWO didn't know how to classify their conservation status.

Halting back the way he came and just being lost in thoughts, suddely Remus felt something brushing against his functioning leg. His defeated spirit popped like a balloon when he saw what it was; the tiniest yeti the world had ever seen with the biggest black goo-goo eyes and purplest nose.

Oh no, he thought. He couldn't let temptation get the better of him. Keeping something that wasn't approved always got him in trouble. He'd be suspended if he brought a yeti back to Hogwarts. For that's what he would have to do, he couldn't just leave a baby yeti to itself, it would have no chance against larger predators. But even so, he just couldn't, if it got out he'd be suspended for sure, something he should have been ten times over already but hadn't been by a miracle.

"Go away" He shooed at the little yeti but it wouldn't stop staring and tailing after like a lost kraken when he tried ignoring it.

Then Remus realized that maybe it was that beard wig that made it think he was its mum or something. He took it off and flung it at a rock but the yeti would still not go away, it was as if it was asking to come along for the ride. But it would have to stay here, for Remus just couldn't bare the thought of being yelled at by professor McGonagall, being reprimanded for unleashing rampaging yetis, forever expelled for the blood bath and staked at the center of Hogsmead Square for the atrocious crime. The thought was simply too overwhelming, and yet he had just never been able to say no. He turned to the skies, distressed and asked himself that question wizards always asked in times of great distress: what, just what, would Dumbledore do?

A thoughtbubble formed in which professor McGonagall sat behind her desk, just raging and being overall furious.

 _"Disgrace! You're a disgrace!"_ she screamed when professor Dumbledore popped up beside her.

 _"Hello, Minerva"_

 _"Headmaster"_

 _"Take it easy, ok?"_

 _"But look! Look at the bloodbath! A hundred billion students dead and bathing in their entrails!"_

 _"That is such a big number are we even that many on the planet?"_

 _"Is that what they call a hyperbole? The point is that many students have died. And it doesn't matter if it was a hundred billion or one. Only cats, owls and toads, those are the rules! This is what happens when that rule is broken every time!"_

 _"But Minerva, look at the little fellow. Are you saying that you wouldn't do the exact same thing in this situation?"_

 _"That doesn't matter. A crime of compassion does not make it not a crime"_

 _"But look! Look at the big goo goo eyes!"  
"I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd take it home, and tell myself to ask you for advice when I get there. But then I'd probably think that you will say something I don't want to hear and it would seem like a better idea to handle it myself in secret, which I could provided there was nobody snooping in my stuff and catching whiff of yeti and then think it would be fun to use it for a practical joke. I mean this has only happened every single time but tenth time's the charm!"  
"That's the spirit!"_

The thought bubble burst and it was decided. Remus stuck the syringe in the little yeti and it toppled like a little log into his arms. He could hear the helicopter very loudly now and took off his coat to wrap around Bubbles, for that was what he had decided to call him.

The boys made it to the bus, late but not the only ones who were late. They had parked the helicopter on Killer's Peak, doodled 'I Heart the Dark Lord' allover it and then taken the lift to the ski resort center.

And now they were tired and wished the bus would just take off, since they were on now and that was all that mattered. Although everybody were on, something was withholding the bus unnecessarily.

"Oh no..." Sirius muttered, sinking in his seat.

"I thought I'd miss you!" said Greg, panting from having run all the way from the hospital.

"Look-"

"The thought of not saying good bye was just unbearable! When can we see each other again?"

"Greg, I'm 15 I don't know what I want!"

"But... you said you were 16. What we had was so special"

"I'm confused, try again when I'm 18"

"You... you used me!"

Greg ran off the bus, in tears.

"Ok that was kind of weird but we're back at the bus" said James.

"The things I went through for nothing" Sirius sighed, disappointed that the yeti rescue mission had been cancelled due to lack of yetis.

"Sorry about that" said Remus, his hands resting on the lumpy coat on his lap.

"I didn't mean it like that. It was still fun. Anyway, why are you stroking your bag like it's a cat?"

"Erm..." Remus was silenced, that was rare. The coat even seemed to breathe. "It's Bluebell. I couldn't leave Bluebell alone with all the cats so I took him with me"  
"Alright"

For some reason the smallest things could make him so nervous, but hey, nobody was perfect.

The bus began to shake now and roll onto the main road. Professor McGonagall stopped by on her way to the back, as was part of the routine.

"So, did you have fun skiing?" she asked the boys.

"Yes, mam!"

Professor McGonagall turned her attention to Remus, because he was stroking his coat.

"Why are you stroking your coat like it's a cat?" she asked him.

For some reason Remus seemed utterly unable to respond, and James found this reaction silly and exagerrated.

"It's just Bluebell" he said, seeing no harm in doing so. "A rabbit"

"You brought a rabbit on the bus? But I said no pets!" professor McGonagall reproached.

"I know but I couldn't leave Bluebell with all the cats" Remus explained. "Rabbits can get cardiac arrest that way"  
"It's true" said James. "I once had a gerbil that was frightened to death by the neighbour's cat"

"It's all right" said professor McGonagall tiredly and carried on without wasting fussing where there was no true need or benefit. Next they could hear her fussing with Fletcher, where there was a true need but no benefit.

"Mr. Fletcher! You weren't allowed to go badger patrolling for you to take one with you!"  
"But professor!" came Fletcher defensively.

"What?"

"Why not?"

"Only owls, cats and toads, _those are the rules!"_

"And rats and rabbits and I've even seen dogs so why not badgers huh why not?"

"Oh, you make one exception and then another and this is what happens"  
"Professor Sprout said it was ok"  
"That is a wild animal in your lap. They are forbidden"

"Come on it's a baby it can be domesticated"  
In the end since the bus was already rolling down the highway and the ski resort was a thing of the distance professor McGonagall just told Fletcher to keep an eye on it and went to fuss with professor Sprout further back. Shortly after she had moved on Fletcher's head popped up above Sirius, together with a small and furry white head with black stripes and a large snout.

"Say hello to my little friend" he said. "You know that old saying: abadger is a finder's best friend"  
"Is it, 'though?" James asked.

"Of course. Why do you think Helga kept four?"

"Because she was weird?"

Fletcher looked in the book he had in his free hand which was called: Helga's Handbook In Training Your Very Own Badgers and read to himself:

" _Step one: get a badger._ Check. _Step two: get some more badgers (optional)."_

"Could you train a badger to find truffles underground?" James wondered.

"Where is that? Never heard of it"  
"Or shrooms?" said Sirius, because when wasn't he longing for some sort of narcotic?

"Badgers have a very keen sense of smell, I mean I assume they do. I think I will name him Hello, after Helga's explorer uncle"

"But do they have years of selective breeding behind them to enhance desired qualities?" James asked.

"If by desired qualities you mean they are so fat they can't even mate then no" said Fletcher and then both he and his new friend Hello was gone.

"Touché Guevara" said Sirius.

"You don't even like communism" James reminded him.

"Doesn't mean I can't like the t-shirt"

As the energy returned the boys began to discuss that Yule disco that they had promised to arrange, or said they would arrange. They discussed common party activities and James suggested spin the bottle but Sirius argued that spin the bottle was not something you arranged, that was something you played at private parties with people you actually wanted to get inside a cupboard with. And he had a point. Besides, discos weren't for playing games, they were for wearing lots of glitter and for dancing beneath lots of flashing colourful lights, ideally on roller blades but they decided to make that optional. One thing they could all agree one was to keep the Best Make-Over Contest, for that had always been the highlight.


	8. Chapter 8

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 8 MONDAY

Classes always became holiday themed around Holidays- not just Christmas. At hannukah they had crafted magical dreidels, at ramadan... to be honest, the professors here really knew nothing about ramadan and it's traditions but when Christmas rolled around, oh boy. Then they had to brew Holiday Cheer in potions class, grow Mistle Shockers at Herbology, they learned snow dancing at Charms, a simple dance that would forever grant them a white christmas wherever they were once they mastered the steps. Professor McGonagall wasn't as jolly, but she was obliged to teach water-to-eggnog Transfiguration although it wasn't useful and didn't sound remotely delicious.

In spite of this, somehow Sirius had still been under the impression that the yule disco was 8 weeks away and it wasn't until professor McGonagall asked him how the planning progressed after class that he began to suspect... maybe christmas wasn't over two months away.

"One week to go" she said, drying off her nog-stache. "How much have you planned so far?"

"One week? What day is it?" Sirius asked.

"December 8"  
Damn, he had thought it was still November for some reason.

"It's going really well" he said.

Outside the classroom he realized he probably needed to make a list.

"You said you were putting together a committee" said James.

"I have a committee. You are my committee. Why are you in such a hurry?"

"The homework isn't going to make itself" said Remus and didn't even have time to bicker about it, he was in such hurry and would absolutely not wait and partake in the committee meeting. The other three, they continued at a far slower pace.

"Ok, my committee, think. What do we need..." said Sirius.

"A band" said James.

"Right, a band. And what else?"

"A disco ball"

"Well yeah obviously, and a blinky floor"

"And a prize for the make-over winner, like a tiara or crown of sorts"  
"And a bag for the loser. Yeah I think we can pretty much wing it from here. So, how exactly do we get Bee Gees to play at our disco?"

"We pay them"

Well damn. How much would they have the nerve to ask for. Jerks, scamming poor students. Ok, so Sirius was actually extremely wealthy but he had heard of poor students that lived off instant noodles.

"Hey what if we get some band at school to play for free?" Peter suggested, yes, he actually came with a suggestion, Sirius had to pinch himself and he worried that he wasn't threatening enough. And it was a good suggestion, too, because it had 'for free' in it. Peter wasn't a quick learner, but the important thing was that he was trainable.

"But they're all boring, 'though" said James. "They know three chords, and not the disco chords"

This was all too true, the bands here only knew Ramones chords. The boys shuddered at the thought of this talentless place. The Cartographer's Guild couldn't do it, because they were busy acting as a committee. Although it wasn't as if they were a lot funkier, and suddenly they wondered why they weren't, and then if they perhaps could be.

"How about we just round up all the black people and ask them to form a band" Sirius suggested. "I've seen four"

He stopped Rora just as she was passing them.

"Hey Rora I'm looking to put together some kind of disco or funk band do you want to be the vocalist?"

"Yeah ok" Rora replied and moved along.

So that was one member covered. Now to find somebody with a sense of rhythm to either play percussions or bass. A cloud of Fletcher-odours soared by, followed by Fletcher himself.

"Hey I hear you're looking to put together a disco band" he whispered as if he was discussing the latest illegal drug on the market and there were some who thout of disco like that.

"What of it?" Sirius asked, on the look out for more black people now.

"I could find a sense of rhytm!"

"You couldn't find a sense of balance"  
"It's true I tell you watch!"  
Fletcher hit his soil covered wand against a pillar in a monotonous but steady beat and hummed _The Hustle_ on top of it. It was good enough, Fletcher certainly had more talent in his head lice than the combined members of Ramones. And so he was accepted, and a good thing it was too, for he even offered to find the remaining necessary members and he was a great finder so obviously he could. He made life so easy.


	9. Chapter 9

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 9 TUESDAY

Since the boys for their disco arrangement had been granted a budget that didn't allow for frivolous spending they decided to take their shopping to Hogsmead's largest second hand, which lied in a large two-story house outside central Hogsmead about 3 floo-stations from the square.

It was dry and stuffy, because it wasn't a very posh second hand but one of those charitable ones that also ran a soup kitchen and donated the surplus to homeless shelters.

Even Remus had come along, normally that wouldn't be weird but he had been in such a hurry all day and although he liked second hands he didn't seem to be very interested in being involved in the committee for he just immediately went off on his own to look at cool boxes. What could possibly live in those? The other boys forgot to look for a disco ball they were so distracted trying to guess, but in the end their best guess was 'some sort of nordic snow imp' and lost interest after that.

"Here are some disco balls" said James. There were three to be precise, of different sizes and all in decent condition and very cheap. He took the largest one, which was larger than a basket ball.

"Here's a crown, only 2,99" said Sirius, himself further down by the jewelry section.

"But look, it's a little broken" James noticed.

"So what, it's just for fun. I need to get out, the stuffy air is killing me"

Sirius put the crown on top of the disco ball and then they were ready to wipe professor McGonagall's special credit card that she used for staff coffee and horse betting when a wizard in slimming mint robes and a pointy elf-type hat as worn by the staff at Bubbles Galore blocked their way. He took the crown from the disco ball.

"I had it first" he said.

"You most certainly did not!" James protested. "You were over there looking at rolling pins!"

"Yes, but before I went to look at rolling pins, I saw the crown and was going to buy it"

James tried to take the crown but the wizard in the pointy elf-type hat would not let go. The crown wasn't even _that_ nice. The paint was flaking in some areas, some rubys were missing and the soft velvet part had been stitched together on the side.

Sirius thought he was really clever when he, armed with a scepter that was part of the same series, whacked the wizard upside the head so he'd let go, but then another wizard with an elf-type hat whacked him upside the head with a rolling pin.

A total of five wizards in mint robes and pointy elf-type hats demanded the crown was given to them now.

"Just leave it" said the leader, thinking that their number would be enough to scare the boys into submission.

"Never!" said James in his usual fearless fashion. He couldn't give up such a crappy crown when it was personal. This was a matter of pride, dammit!

"Hello" said Remus, no longer looking at cool boxes. Now he was looking at the floor, walking slowly and hunched and turning a lot until he lit up again.

"There it is!" he said when he found the thimble. He was just going to stick it in his pockets

, when he, after having lost the thimble so many times, suspected that there was a hole there and kept the ring in his hand instead.

The wizards in the elf-type hats lost interest in the crown instantly.

"Give me the ring" said the leader.

"Ok here" said Remus, actually prepared to oblige to the vastly superior wizards thrice his age.But Sirius wouldn't hear of such nonsense and snagged the ring and ran out of the shop, evil wizards after him like lost hungry wolpertingers.

He ran to the fire-station, floo'd to Hogsmead square and there he thought he might as well go back to Hogwarts, the safest place for powerful items in the world. Then curiosity made itself known and he put it on.

A strange sensation that was hard to discribe filled him. It was as if being on nutmeg times ten but minus the palpitations and headache and with brighter colours. He couldn't tell if it was good or bad, but decided to like it. He was so carried away by the strange feeling he didn't notice the mint robed wizards until a green flash came shooting his way. He didn't even have time to think he was done for when the green flash just came to an abrupt halt and did a complete u-turn and hit the caster instead. While the other mint robed wizards bent over to shake life into their companion in vain, Sirius took off the ring and apparated to the nearest short cut, so lost in thoughts he was on autopilot the entire way to the commonroom. He was just about to go inside the dorm to drop off the ring when Remus shoved him aside and locked himself in. This was starting to become irritating now. It sounded like he was doing some quick and slightly violent tidying up in there.

"Oh... did I lock you out?" he said when he was finished and opened.

"Bla bla hit me with your loveliest excuse and be done with it"

"Ok. I was hiding my porn. People do that, right?"

"We'll I'm happy you've stopped leaving your pins around but how can you be thinking about porn when I nearly died just now?"

"From what?"

"Death" Sirius returned the thimble and went to get his script. "You should wear it all the time"  
"I'm going to say something extremely boring and predictable now. There's always a catch. There has to be"

"And I'm going to say something extremely radical and challenging: maybe, just maybe, there isn't"  
"Better safe than sorry"

"Better sorry than safe"

James and Peter came in with the disco ball and crown.

"Don't wait up" said James, dumping the stuff on a puddle of sports magazines. "Did you find a cool box?"

"No" said Remus, looking out the window.

"Why don't you just take a regular box and teach snow dancing to a fairy?" Sirius asked.

"What a great idea!"  
"My ideas are always great. Anyway bye"

"Wait for me I have to get some film for my camera" said James and came along. During their shared walk Sirius recounted his near-death experience. But instead of taking sides in regards to the thimble, James evaded the subject and was more interested in knowing how everything connected, what the staff from Bubbles Galore wanted with the crown and the ring. He was sure there was a satisfactory explanation to it all, Sirius thought that the existence of an explanation didn't guarantee that they'd get to hear it and then the two parted ways.


	10. Chapter 10

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 10 WEDNESDAY

The dormitory was extremely cold now and it just wouldn't stop snowing. The boys would have to sleep in their winter coats tonight for they could not figure out how to stop it. Professor Flitwick had already tried, failed and confessed that he needed to research it further.

And it was this, and not all the past cold winters, that made Sirius realize that he didn't have a wooly hat to warm his pretty head. And so he put on the crown, just 'cause, and looked at himself in the mirror, just 'cause. And he looked and looked for hours, and thought that he really ought to become king of someplace someday and not noticing that James was shaking him by the shoulders, and had been doing so for several minutes, until he slapped him on the cheek.

"Oi!"  
"Wha'?"

"The disco ball is missing have you seen it?"

"No" Sirius looked around. Everything was covered in snow so he was looking for a snow ball the size of a disco ball. But he didn't see one.

"You didn't play catch with it or something did you?" he asked.

"No because I can't find it"

Outside night fell and the wind just stomped around on the roof, grunting. The drapes to Remus's four poster bed opened and he came out in a parka.

"Aren't you supposed to be at book club?" James asked.

"Everyone has the flu"

"Or _do_ they..."

Remus hadn't seen the disco ball either and was just as surprised. Whenever things went missing it wasn't rare for Fletcher to be the culprit. It was getting silly now, how he was always nicking their stuff as if it was some sort of game, just because they refused to let him have some antique maps and compasses back. But what he'd want with a disco ball they just couldn't guess for it wasn't valuable and what motivation did he have to ruin the disco when he was in the band?

So naturally, the next course of action was to seek him out although it was past curfew.

Willhelmina Scott-Holmes, the oil-based guardian of the yellow dungeons, had such a gentle disposition, speaking softly and kindly smiling.

"Hey can we see Fletcher?" James asked.

"No. Now get out of my dungeons, you disloyal and lazy griffin grinders before I scream" Miss. Scott-Holmes replied sweetly.

James turned back. "Well now what?"  
"Hey I just remembered something" said Sirius and began to associate words. "Disco ball... silver... gold... badge!"

It was true, they had their very own personal prefect now to do their prefect bidding.

"That's right we have a personal prefect now how could I forget?" said James.

"That's not a thing" said Remus, not sharing the view that he was some sort of promoted slave with extra rights, and definitely not _personal._

"Go on then" said Sirius. "Do your thing"

"Go to your dorm it's past curfew?"

"Not _that_ thing, but you sure are great at it"

"Where's your badge anyway you're supposed to wear it all the time, you heard McGonagall" said James.

"I forgot" said Remus. He had taught himself to forget it all the time well.

"Hey there's no shame in being a prefect honestly but you have to own it"

"Oh, right. Go to your dorm it's past curfew"

"That's not owning it, that's being a promoted slave"

"We never promoted you" said Sirius.

"Hey show a bit of respect"

"He knows I'm just taking the piss"

"Words can hurt. Besides, Wormtail is the slave"

"Is he though? Slaves _work"_

Because this was meaningless and irking, Remus thought he'd try to talk it over with Miss. Scott-Holmes.

"Hello can we see Fletcher?" he asked.

"No" replied the lady.

"Please?"

"Oh ok"

They had to wait a minute while the lady called after Fletcher.

"What is it now?" he asked when he came, rubbing his eyes and wearing pyjamas.

"Do you have our disco ball?" James asked.

"No I don't have your disco ball" Fletcher yawned.

"Ok. Well good night then"

"Night. Wait"

"What?"

"Is it sphere shaped and covered in reflective mosaic?"

"Yes"

"Then no I don't have it"

"Ok bye again" said Sirius.

"But you have seen it?" James asked.

"Oh yes"

"Do you know where it is?"

"No"

"You're not taking the piss are you?"

Fletcher put a hand on his head and winced as if he was in pain. "Ow... I have seen it. I'm getting flashbacks. What happened earlier? Just a black hole. Which cactus could have done that? Ow the migraine"

"Has anybody given you anything funny to drink lately?" Remus asked.

"Not that I know. I had some Holiday Cheer today from the cupboards just because I really wanted to impress Lores, whom I find ever so delightful and beautiful. Ow"

"Do you remember something more?"

"Yes... A-" Thud. Sirius had whacked him upside the head with the shaft of a halberd he had taken from a suit of armour and was looking excited. "Hey let's invade his mental privacy!" he said, excited.

"Why couldn't you ask if you could invade his mental privacy?" Remus asked.

Sirius lowered the halberd. "It's a habit I've just never developed I guess"

Fletcher was a little dizzy and confused and claimed to see a circle of canaries but was otherwise alright. Helping him to his feet Remus asked if they could maybe invade his mental privacy real quick.

"I don't know" said Fletcher.

"Please?"

"I still don't know"

"Pretty please?"

"Oh... I just don't know"

"Ooohhh pleeeeeease?"

"Ok fine! Damn it!"

"It won't be so bad" said Sirius. "Embarassing maybe but not physically painful"

"Ok"

The potions lab was a stairway back and an additional leftturn away. Because it was close enough, as well as having a certain quailty of semi-forbidden to it, it seemed like a good place to get in the necessary spirit to perform the invasion.

"I'd question whether or not this is too advanced for us, except... ha ha ha" said James.

"Too advanced for you" said Sirius.

"Go on then, show us how it's done"

It wasn't news to anybody that Sirius was capable of a lot more than jellifying. He had never forgotten the things he had learned at Sunday Dark Arts school, nor had he ever stopped feeding his mind with the latest trends in the field, even after he had turned out to be just a little bit less wicked than he wanted. Under his influence all the boys were transported inside Fletcher's mind, which was very impressive. But then it became boring, because Fletcher's mind was only recreating the present, and that was him sitting on a lab stool digging dirt from under his nails.

"I'm so stupid, silly me" said Sirius apologetically, smacking his head. "It's been a while. Obviously we have to take out the part we're interested and then swim in it"

"And how is that done?" James asked.

The laboratory, as filtered through Fletcher's mind, flickered and dissolved and then the boys we're back in the real laboratory.

"Hey just a thought" said Remus. "But could he be having flashbacks because somebody has already interfered with his mental privacy?"

That would be wonderfully convenient, but few could pull off such a thing. They suspected Lores, for there was no way anybody could be enamoured with her without being under some sort of wicked influence, and why would anybody want Fletcher's affection unless they were interested in his services? And if Lores was prepared to drug Fletcher for his services, it wasn't unlikely she had drugged somebody else, probably Snape, for a different type of service, now was it?


	11. Chapter 11

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 11 THURSDAY

Those sprigs of mistle shock that the class had been forced to place on rakes over a week ago, because there wasn't room inside the greenhouse to grow them on trees, were beginning to take the form of leafy balls now. Because their powerful electroshocking ability was generated by lust they needed to be handled with synthetic dragon skin gloves.

"What if you use your flirting powers" James suggested to Sirius when they were discussing means of retrieving the disco ball, but Sirius refused this time.

"You do it" he said.

"But I don't have your DNA given flirting powers"  
"Oh please. There's no need for that. Toadface never gets any attention because she's so hideous, so obviously she's desperate enough to jump at any bait, even yours"  
"Hey I'm reasonably attractive, but I understand if you don't want to do it. Maybe Moony and I should flip a coin"  
"If you want. Although, well, you're just of higher social status and Lores is superficial, those are just facts"

"You're of high social status and superficial"

"I know. I'm just saying that you can impress with your popularity, Moony can't _really_ do that, sorry, he has to rely on his personality"

"I'm right _here"_ Remus muttered over his mistle ball.

"Has anybody ever told you that you have the most amber-y eyes?"

"Not since I had the contacts put in"

In the end James decided to take the noble task upon himself and put down his pruning tools. Sirius had a few wise words of warning to share.

"Just be careful so you don't discover she has a whole array of hidden depths and _fall in love!"_ he said.

"Pfft, please. That is _never_ going to happen!"

It was true, that was science. James put down his bundle of electroshocking sprigs. Lores was trimming her mistle on the other far end of the work table. James went up to her.

"Hey Lores" he said. "Your mistle shock looks real nice. You're really good at this aren't you?"

"Thank you" short and chubby little Lores replied, smiling. She always smiled, like Roy she seemed to be going for some award but where Roy could smile very convincingly and come across as far less sinister than he had shown to be at times, Lores had batman-villain written allover her pink smile and seemed less sinister the moments she smiled less.

In any case, there was no wasting time beating around the bush.

"I really like you a lot" said James and a few eavesdroppers put their garden gloves to their mouths and snickered.

"Ignore them. They're just jealous of your strength and ambition. That's what we have in common, I think. We know what we want and will do what it takes to get it. And I just want you to know that I don't think that your power and drive makes you any less of a woman"

That bait talk, James began to question the simplicity of it. Anybody that ugly was bound to believe they were being taken for a ride. Lores did turn a faint rosy, but that faded quickly and she smiled againd and pushed up her chest where her prefect badge glimmered proudly.

"You just want to be with me because I am a prefect now, don't you?" she asked.

"Yes. The status, you know. You're up here now. My respect for you is ginormous"

"You know what, I agree. We are very alike, aren't we?"

"Yeah in some ways I guess, but in the grand scheme of things, we're all really the same person, or something. So anyway, how about we go out or something after school?"

Lores was still smiling, which was a cause for concern. "Alright. But that's on your risk. For if I find out you're trying to make a fool of me you will be _very, very, very_ sorry. Got that?"

"Uhm no sorry I was mesmerized by your charm"

Now that she had said yes it seemed so pointless. Sirius's flirting charm was more powerful, he didn't have to go through such a lengthy charade to get information because he was a walking love potion.

James returned to his mistle shock, on the way borrowing some of Fletcher's special substance that had granted him a basket ball sized mistle shock that were already producing berries that emitted sparks quite violently, and really hoping the charade wouldn't be too lengthy and that the effort would pay off.

It was after school o' clock and the ponds in Saint Belzebubs Park in Hogsmead Square were partially frozen.

"So are you looking forward to the Yule Disco?" James asked, just feeling violated.

"Oh yes" replied Lorest, smiling that surgically constructed smile. "It's going to be just great"

"Have you practiced your moves?"

"No. But there's no need"

"Oh right. Are your funky moves very good?"

"I wouldn't know. Such provocative dancing is wrong. Nobody will be getting down and boogying on Saturday"

"Why not?"

"I have a feeling it will just be an old fashioned traditional ball with nice gowns and cravats"  
"It will most definitely be a yule disco"

"Not without a disco ball it won't. Isn't it wonderful?"

"Hey let's go and destroy it!"

Lores shook her head, as if at a child. She was clearly compensating for being so vertically impaired.

"I don't know where it is" she said.

"Oh. It really sounded like you did"

"I couldn't know. People would want to get such information out of me. Nobody knows"

"So... how do you even know the disco ball is missing?"

Lores stopped. "You didn't ask me out to find the disco ball did you?"

"No. It's you I want. Right here and now, on that bench over there"

"Alright take me"

"Ok maybe not right here and now but soon, indoors"

"Oh let's go to my dorm!"

"Great idea!"

It wasn't.

Dormitory C in the Hufflepuff dungeon was empty, conveniently enough. There was no sign of the disco ball among all the loot as far as James could see. Lores was already stripping to her chemiese and James shielded his eyes, hoping somebody would just come and rescue him. Poor Lores, it wasn't right for a girl to be so un-pretty. She looked so bad it was pitiful. She was even humming stripper jazz music, in all honesty thinking it was going to happen. It was all so very awkward, and so very painful.

"Oh is that the time..." said James, backing towards the door.

"I'll let you in on a secret regarding that disco ball" said Lores.

Was that rum in the corner? Perhaps all of it would make things blurry enough. Speaking of which, James just realized he was legally blind without his glasses. Without them he wouldn't have to see a thing, oh joy! He could pretend she was Raquel Welch, a short and stocky Raquel Welch but still.

"What secret?" he asked while pouring rum down his throat, intent on not stopping until he was sloshed enough to get down with a goat. Lores removed her big glasses and it was probably just the rum talking but what a huge different it made! Somehow her cheeks seemed to slim down, her nose became more dainty, why, she even grew four inches which really slimmed down her thighs and legs!

"Don'tdoitdon'tdoitdon'tdoit!" came Sirius, having justed barged in to wrestle James to the floor before he did something that would traumatize him forever.

"But look!" James slurred, pointing at a lamp.

"Listen to you! Booze isn't the answer! Anyway, we found the vial so come on let's invade Fletcher's mental privacy!"

And so Sirius pulled James out of the dorm and straight to the lab. By then the less desired effects of the rum began to kick in and he became immensely nauseous.

"While you were out we had Fletcher search the dorm for vials" Sirius explained and poured the content of that very vial in a stainless steel basin.

"But she was so pretty!" James wept.

"You're drunk and legally blind who isn't pretty?"

"But without the huge glasses it was like a different person, like in the movies!"

"They're never that ugly in the movies they just have different make up. Come on, you don't want to be _old_ you again! We worked so hard to get rid of _old_ you and create _new_ you!"  
"I know but it's all your fault because you wouldn't do the manipulative flirting and now I'm in love again! With Lores!"

"Fine, fine, but let's focus ok, we'll talk more when you're sober and decide whether we need to put Lores on a long bus trip as well"

"It's true I tell you bluuuuurrrgh!" James barfed in the basin. The boys hoped it was still ok.

"I'm not swimming in that" said Remus.

"Don't be such a baby" said Sirius and pushed Remus in first, who naturally was very quick to take Sirius down with him.

It was a couple of days ago. The boys were in the greenhouse now, watching Fletcher prepare a solution for his mistle shock that violated heaps of regulations. It was all very boring to watch until Lores showed her toady face.

"Hello Gus" she said, smiling and wrinkling her nose. 'I just want to apologize for before"

"Oh?" replied Fletcher nonchalantly.

"You are a better finder than I am. You are unbeatable. I was just jealous and threatened. You should have won the Hide and Go Seek last Wednesday"

"Aaaaand?"

"And I cheated. Staying behind you the whole time was cheating and does technically not qualify as a single location. I'd like to give you this, as a peace offering"

Lores took from behind her back a zip lock bag of wet mushrooms. They were bathing a pink liquid, which to the boys smelled like lockerroom and broom varnish, croissants and kittens, bubblegum and black tea and warm milk and gran.

"That has a very strong mushroom smell" Fletcher remarked, accepting the bag. "Why is it so wet?"

"I added salt to draw out the liquid" said Lores innocently. "I was told it was costumary"

"Who told you that?"

"The bloke I purchased them from, in the alley, you know"

"What you mean Ollie?"

" _No_ the other one"

"Doug?"

"What was the one with the beard called?"

"Doug"

"Oh, were they _both_ called Doug?"

"Yeah. If it wasn't for the beard it would get confusing"

Damn she was so good it was weirdly attractive. She was far too sly and cunning for a Hufflepuff, and what a masterful liar.

"I hope the mushrooms are still alright" said Lores. "I don't know where I got the bit about the salt from"

"Maybe he mentioned bath salts"

"He did and I thought it was so weird for such unhygienic junkies to concern themselves with bath salts, so I used regular salt"

Fletcher laughed so tears came to his eyes and Lores feigned embarassment. She could even blush on command. She hung around while Fletcher tried a mushroom. Then it became really awkward to watch him swoon and drool over Lores, who remained as unbothered as ever.

"By Jove you're beautiful!" he said dreamily. "How did you suddenly become so tall and thin?"

"Thank you" replied Lores. "I need you to do something for me"

"Anything!"

"I need you to steal a disco ball from dormitory M"

"Dormitory M? That's-"  
"In the Gryffindor tower. Have you been there before?"

"Have I?"

"Well, have you?"

"Boy, have I?"

"Steal it and hide it, ok? Hide it wherever, the best place you can think of. A place where nobody will be able to find it"

"Ok that doesn't sound too difficult, but why?"

"Something terrible is on the rise, ok? It needs to be stopped before it goes too far"

"What is?" Fletcher asked, trembling. Lores bared her teeth and hissed:

" _Disco!"_

She turned her heels that did nothing to make her not look like a hobbit and was gone from the greenhouse. Fletcher began to pack up and the memory dissolved. Next he was already peeking inside the dorm from where a whirl of snow sprinkled his face and let himself in. It was empty, save for Sirius who was looking at himself in the mirror wearing the crown. Fletcher had almost not seen him for he was partially covered in snow, like everything else. He hesitated, but decided to chance it. He waded through the snow, digging here and there until he found the disco ball and ploughed out again. The scene dissolved in waves and next he was walking through the forest, disco ball in hand and treading a path that the boys didn't recognise.

"Hm I wonder what happens if..." said Remus and ran back instead of finishing any sentences. The other boys just kept following Fletcher for what felt like roughly one hour through calm weather until they came to a gingerbread house that they had never seen before or heard of. Cool, they thought as they watched Fletcher peek through the door and go inside. They were just about go inside as well when that annoying thing happened again where everything just dissolved and next thing they knew Fletcher ran right through them as if they were ghosts, terrified and no longer with a disco ball in his hands. The boys ran after him until everything dissolved a final time and then they were back at the beginning of the memory.


	12. Chapter 12

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 12 FRIDAY

Wet from the snow and sore from the cold, the boys came to a crossing after having walked three miles through unploughed forest paths. Turning left would take them to the cave, turning right would take them to a frozen wetland. They had never had enough motivation to go further than this before, but according to some notes that Remus had made yesterday instead of finishing sentences, this was the path they had to take. But his notes, although helpful, only led them as far as to a tree stump for it was at that point that the set piece of Fletcher's mind had melted together and started over.

The gingerbread house couldn't be too far away now. It just couldn't. And it wasn't.

"Is it just me or does anybody else smell candied apples?" James asked.

"Hey look I think I see a candy cane chimney!" said Peter, pointing.

The curved tip of a large candy cane could easily have been missed where it barely tipped over trees. The boys continued on the path they were on, just a few steps until they came to a house with a facade made from pieces of chewing gum held together by royal icing, where candles lit up windows of melted sugar and an ice cream snow man held a Welcome sign.

"What a strange place to bring a disco ball. Or anything" Sirius remarked. "Just what is Fletcher's connection to this place?"

To think that all this time there had been a ginger bread house here in the middle of the forest, just four hours by foot wintertime. It was pitch dark already and the boys wouldn't have been able to disern the array of bright colours at this hour of day with their faintly illuminated wands had it not been for the jelly bean christmas lights that were so many they gave the house a very warm aura.

The boys regretted all the meals they had had in the Great Hall, except for Sirius who thought that the place suffered a serious lack of liquorice. A mailbox sculpted from chocolate revealed the owner to be a Mrs. Miranda Jones. It certainly took the initial creepy gingerbread witch edge off, to know her as Mrs. Jones as opposed to Creepy Gingerbread Witch.

James rang the gum drop bell on the ice cream sandwich door, wondering if the door was an ice cream sandwich all year round. It would be more desirable in the summer for sure.

When nobody answered immediately James rang the bell again, and when still nobody answered the boys let themselves in, for the door was unlocked.

Stepping inside the first thing they saw was a welcome mat that wasn't really a mat but one large lollipop spiral that they couldn't in fact wipe their shoes on, for that would just make it dirty and inedible. All the furniture was basically made of gingerbread, with pieces held together by coloured icing and decorated with sprinkles and glitter and the like and there was nothing in this house that strayed from the theme. Even the ancestor portraits were gingerbread men and women, all very friendly and hospitable and not at all the snooty disdainful type. The piping work was breathtaking, 'though. Mrs. Jones had done an amazing job reconstructing old images and blending the colours. The house was of a respectable size as well, with two floors, an attic and even a veranda at the back.

Since she could be back at any time, the boys split up and began their search. When they had looked everywhere several times it became very obvious why Fletcher had chosen this location.

"Maybe we should just wait for Mrs. Jones to return and then ask" said James when all four were back in the hall.

"But she must be terrifying" said Peter. "Why else would Fletcher run away screaming?"

"Because he's a _Hufflepuff"_

Seriously they had been through this a billion times.

"I suppose she could be a man" Sirius thought. "Who likes to play dress up and lure children"

"We're not children, though. Not really. Not the type any pervert would be interested in"

"Who said anything about perverts? Have cautionary tales taught you nothing?"

"They're symbolic aren't they?"

The boys split up again for yet another search, another attempt to get in where they failed to get in before. James and Sirius went back to the drawing room, which had some of the few objects that weren't edible. Several photographs, some going as far back as to victorian times but thankfully not featuring creepy dead children, and others just a few years old, sat on a gingerbread piano.

Some photographs were off a man, presumably the late Mr. Jones. Then there were several photos of two girls, the daughters, from when they were small and in pig tails to when they were older and in graduation robes and wide brimmed hats with yellow ribbons and all these photos were sepia toned.

At least, the boys hoped they were Mrs. Jones's daughters, unless she was some sort of creep after all. But they bore enough resemblance to their parents for it to be believed.

But the most interesting photographs in the collection were the school portraits of Fletcher and his sisters, taken perhaps a year ago only. This could only mean that Mrs. Jones was Fletcher's explained the running and screaming and everything. The boys felt bad for having judged him so unfairly and so quickly.

"Now here is an example of putting candy magic to _good_ use" said Sirius, not interested in anybody's family portraits and broke off a black key from the piano.

"If that is Fletcher's mum, aunt Muriel" said James. "Then that means that Mrs. Jones is also Moony's gran!"

"Amazing. Brilliant"

"It's so pink and sugary how did it take us so long to see. I wonder if he knows"  
"Maybe he doesn't. Wouldn't you forget a place like this? I can't even remember what my grans are called"

"I guess he would act a lot more nippy if he did, but I do wonder why. Is she a horrible person?"

"Muriel doesn't seem to think so she still sends warm greetings from her ghost cat infested house boat"

It was all very strange and mysterious, but that was not the mystery they were here for. They were here to find a disco ball. They looked where they had already looked a few more times until a little elderly lady in her mid 60's that smelled like cinnamon came into the drawing room. The boys thought she'd be upset that she was being burglared, but she just looked more excited than Roy could ever dream of faking.

"Well hello!" she said happily. Oh yes, she wanted to eat them, alright.

"Hello" said James, putting back some photographs. "You're probably wondering why we're in your lovely house going through your lovely stuff"

"Yes!" replied Mrs. Jones, excited to hear the reason. She was strange, she wanted to eat them and constant candy exposure did not make her fat. There really was no need for any tests.

"Do you have our disco ball?" Sirius asked, never one to waste time on time wasting.

Mrs. Jones beamed at him next. "Do you know Gus?"

"Yes we do"

"I'm hiding it for him. You're free to look around, if it will give you peace"

"We have looked around and..." They couldn't find it, which was of course what Mrs. Jones was going for. Of course she'd be friendly with burglars. In fact it was probably conceit, not friendliness. Smug wench. She didn't even lock she was so smug.

"Oh! Can I make you some tea?" asked the smug wench.

The boys accepted out of politeness and followed her to her cute little gingerbread kitchen where she put a kettle on the iron stove.

"We just need the disco ball for Saturday" said James. "Then you can have it back"

"I said I'd hide it and I intend to" said Mrs. Jones. "I wouldn't break a promise if it was the end of the world"

The boys could actually believe that. They wondered how the other two were doing, if they had made any progress.

"How many grandchildren do you have?" Sirius asked.

"Three" Mrs. Jones replied.

"Would you give up the disco ball for Trenchcoat or Fiddle-Dee-Dee?"

"I can't imagine that either Trinket or Filigree would have a good enough reason to want it"

"What if you had a fourth grandchild, and he or she really needed it for school?"

From their position in the kitchen they could see Peter run down the stairs, screaming about gerbils in frocks on his way out of the ginger bread house, and Mrs. Jones went to the hall to see what was going on.

"Oh no not the transphobic tuba ghoul and I thought I was being so clever" she said and went up the stairs. When she entered the guest room she was instantly cocooned in webs of bubblegum.

"Hey look what I found" said Remus, holding a tuba with the disco ball and crossing the threshold.

"You just covered your grandmother in bubblegum" said Sirius.

"Oh ha ha, because she eats people. Hilarious"

"Yes"

"Hey just because an elderly woman lives in a gingerbread house and leaves the door open doesn't mean she eats people" said James.

Remus showed them to Mrs. Jones private book collection.

"Look" he said, nodding at some titles. "' _Humanitarian cuisine', 'Having an old friend for dinner?', 'Red or white? 10 hematopoietic cocktail recipes'"_

Despite his disdain he still lingered at _'Raw food- not just salad'._ It was a little early to have inappropriate cravings, it wouldn't be fullmoon for another week. Ok maybe it wasn't so early, then.

Now that they had what they had come for as well as a tuba that the needed to blast off somehow, the boys left the ginger bread house, sorry they hadn't brought some decorative sofa marshmallows or turkish delight footstools for the journey.

It was back at the crossing they ran into Lores, who was in the company of the gossipy Skeeter and her mime enthusiast gay best friend as well as, and this was very surprising. Rora.

"Hand over the disco ball!" said Lores.

"But Rora why are you with the disco haters you're in the band!" Sirius asked.

Rora shrugged. "It was in the horoscope today. _'Aquarius: you shall change your opinion and fight some wizards for a spherical object.'_ "

"What did it say for me?"

" _'You shall lose.'_ "

Well this sucked. Here they found themselves face to face with three witches and one wizard and couldn't fight the majority because the majority were witches and that was just against the chivalry code. The boys had no other choice but to run, which was technically also against chivalry code but they didn't really care right now. They took off to the right, already so exhausted for having walked fo so many hours in such weather and with those Hufflepuffs failing to hit them with their signature spells.

When they reached the cave they ran inside, closed the entrance and lit up the dark once they located their wands.

Then they saw professor Sprout, and she was just worse than professor McGonagall because at least professor McGonagall liked them. She looked tired, from having waited for them in a cold and damp cave, although the boys couldn't understand why for as far as they knew they hadn't broken any rule, except for the rule against being out after curfew but that rule didn't really count. It was only ten in the evening so it wasn't even that late.

"So, do you have my reading glasses?" professor Sprout asked.

"No" the boys replied because they really didn't, what did they need those for? Were they magical?

"Will you check your pockets, please"

When they checked their pockets it was revealed that James did infact have two pairs of reading glasses, one of which wasn't his. When, just when, could Lores have planted them on him? He returned them to professor Sprout, but that did not make her remotely grateful. Next she demanded the tuba with the discoball, called the boys irresponsible and infantile and told them to come with her to her office.


	13. Chapter 13

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 13

It was six in the morning when the boys, very cleverly, went to wake professor McGonagall to complain about how mean professor Sprout was.

"She took our disco ball!" they complained when professor McGonagall came and answered the door in her plaid dressing gown and sheep slippers.

"It was only ten!" said Sirius.

"Her reading glasses were planted on me!" said James.

"She said you can't do anything, that you have no power, that you've put on weight, that she's had it with your cats weeing in her herb garden, messing up her tinsel, eating her goldfish, that tartan is not slimming and that you look like Dumbledore in some angles-"

" _Alright!"_ said professor McGonagall, barely able to keep her eyes open. "I'll take care of it, just give me _five more hours!"  
_ "Yes mam thank you mam"

"Have you lost weight?"

"In this light you look like an intellectual Raquel Welch"

"I just love a woman in curlers"

"What do your cats like better, chicken or liver?"

Professor McGonagall silenced them with a hand, less angry but still tired.

"Just bring me a continental brunch at eleven"

"Alright you got it!"

Professor McGonagall closed the door and the boys left to alert the first house elf they could find and then go an sleep for another five ours, on the way mocking Lores and her peers and their vastly inferior intellect and their, quite frankly, lazy attempt to stop the yule disco. It was still on and there was nothing they could do.

It was a little before 8 o clock in the evening when the first people came rolling into the great hall that had been rearranged to suit the needs of any respectable disco, in sparkling garments more revealing than the Book of Revelations that had been torn apart and then sewn together again. The tables and chairs had been moved to the walls and colourful floor lights and spotlights had been installed. The baselines of popular hits pounded through the speakers below the stage where the Boogie Badgers performed, fronted by Rora in a tight sequin body spandex and hiding the not-as-sparkling Fletcher behind a large drum set.

People weren't as shy to start dancing as they had been last year. The un-stuffy atmosphere as well as great music waked the need to get up and boogie that could not be fought. There were no rules. There were no waltzes, minuets or fox trots to remember, there were no feet to avoid stepping on at all costs, there was just a good time to be had. Even those who were to shy to go to the floor lights shimmied by the wall and shook their booties discretely and admiring the slowly spinning disco ball at the center of the roof and the specks of light it cast around itself, the true Belle of the disco.

Every two or three minutes everything would come to a halt- the dancing and the music- and everybody would turn and gasp at the latest arriving evidence of the miracles beauty care products could do. And some transformations were genuinely astonishing beyond put-up-your-hair or let-down-your-hair. Joan Warts, who on an ordinary day looked like an ogre, had literally transformed into a supermodel, bearing no resemblance to her usual short and warty self tonight. Then when Hilda the Hippo and Heidi Horseface came in the music picked up again before anybody thought to chase them off with pitchforks for having failed so hard at their make-over endeavours. Sirius crossed both off his list.

"Life is so unfair" he sighed. Tonight it was up to him to note down what the special meters registered each time a biological female walked in.

"Look at them" said Cas, referring to another group of boys who didn't have a clipboard or meter to justify their objectification. "Gasping everytime some girl walks in, as if it's the first they've ever seen. Pathetic"

"Everyone is really going for it this year. Judging is going to be tough"

"I thought I was going to win"

"You can't win twice in a row, people will get bored and lose interest"

"But I am the most beautiful girl here"  
"It's not about who is most beautiful, it's about the wow-factor"

When Fatima came James reported that his gasp-meter read ten and Sirius made a note of it, as well as a note of how progressive it would be to have a first muslim winner.

"She's zoroastrian" said Cas. "Do you really mean that you don't want me to win?"

"I want it to be entertaining, don't I? Mac, do your thing!"  
"You don't need to win this" said Mac. "Look at them all, the work they put in to get the approval of blokes. You don't need that"

"Yes I do, Mac" said Cas. "You don't understand because you're asexual"

The band stopped again, but this time it paused for so long that the boys had to look up to see just what made the gasp-meter hit 11, the wow-meter whistle and the hubba-hubba meter explode. Just who could it be, they thought that all the hot canditates had already arrived.

There at the door was Lores in a sparkly low cut golden dress to her knees as well as high heels thin as spaghetti. Her dark blonde hair was feathered and kept in place by amber hair pins. Her nose and mouth were so small without her glassses and she even had cheekbones now and, it had to be said, a firmer booty. It was quite astonishing. she really had to look into what those glasses were doing to her appearance.

Boys swooned and fainted as she winked at them, as if they were little girls and she The Beatles. Girls wanted to be her and plotted ways to make it look like suicide. Sirius offered his sincerest apology to James, who was reluctant to accept. Lores passed through the very handsy crowd to greet them.

"Good evening" she said.

"Piss off!" Cas growled.

"We didn't think you'd show up" said James.

"Oh... I wouldn't miss this for the world" said Lores and continued on her merry way and letting crowds part for her and offer a lifetime of faithful services.

"That's cheating" said Cas. "That is _not_ what she looks like"

"What does it matter?" said Mac. "Beauty is not ever an achievement, it always comes down to chance"

"It so does not, do you think chance made _this_ happen?" Cas ran her hands over her dress. Then she finished her punch bowl and left to plot sabotage, taking Mac with her of course.

"Ok it looks like we have a winner" said Sirius and put down his clipboard. "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Remus asked. "Does it come from the walls?"

"No, that mysterious ticking noise"

"Hm..." James tried to listen closely. "Maybe very vaguely, but it's difficult to hear over the loud music"

They listened for a while, sort of kind of hearing it but eventually dismissed it as a hi-hat and didn't think more of it.

The evening passed and those who had roller skates rolled allover the place, pulling their dancing partners by the hands and spinning them around, trying to top each other's outrageous mooves. Those without roller blades did face-waves, bunny slopes and russians on the floor lights. The most popular move was, of course, the needle and thread (or that was that Remus called the point-fingers-up-and-down because he thought it looked like sewing.)

It was nice to see how well everything went. Everybody seemed to have recovered from all the shocking beauty now and were bumping everybody around them. The only distraction was that mysterious ticking noise. Suddenly Remus looked at the clock and said he had to leave.

"Already but you said you do a mean funky chicken" said Sirius.

"You have to stop dreaming about me. Anyway it will only be a moment"

"What's so important? Do you have some private meeting?"

"In a manner of speaking"  
"Ok don't let us hold you back then good luck"

Remus disappeared through a line doing the Bus Stop under Rora's instruction. The James and Sirius suspected Janine, rated her appearance before and present and just could not get in the groove tonight with that ticking noise nagging them so.

When it was nine o'clock the band stopped playing for Rora to introduce the soul train. She was such a good host and dance instructor and had no difficulty getting people involved and form two queues so the boys thought that they could afford to look for the source of that ticking sound without risking a party breakdown.

"It sounds like an egg timer doesn't it?" James asked.

"Does it help if I say yes?" Sirius asked back.

"It _could_ help"

They followed the sound to the corner by the punch bowl and door to the servant quarters where Phil was already crawling around on the floor, convinced nargles were behind it.

"They must be hatching!" he told Roy, excited.

"What's going on?" asked Mona Weed.

"He's looking for nargles" said Roy, finding it laughable but Mona became immensely interested.

"Oh really what are those? Are they under the floor?"

Next she had her ear on the floor as well. Bored with watching them crawling around, Roy decided to seek out a different company.

"Are there really nargles under the floor?" James asked him.

"Of course not" Roy replied. "How would they even get there, if such things existed? Not that they do"  
"Sometimes people take things with them home and they get out and breed, it happens a lot"

"No it doesn't"

"Yes it does"

" _Not it doesn't!_ There is nothing under the floor and it wasn't me!" Roy insisted and decided to go and talk to Cas instead.

In any case it couldn't hurt to see what was below these floors. The boys took the door to the stairwell, the stairwell to the servant quarter corridors and the corridors to the centermost dungeons, constantly making sure the ticking sound became louder and being surprised everytime they saw Peter because half the time they didn't know if he was with them or not, although often when it seemed like he wasn't, he usually was. He just wasn't very chatty.

The walls down here vibrated from the music above, and the boys wondered how that would affect nargles, if there were any. They also wondered what they looked like, if there were any, knowing only that they would not recognize them if they saw one. They theorized about their size and appearance, painting portraits with their imagination that quickly derailed into a competition in grossing each other out, when they heard talking, and it wasn't _their_ talking. They stopped talking and halted. Then the other person stopped talking, too. A wind whistled further down and they hurried to look inside the unoccupied chamber it came from.

A light gust of cold air hit them in the face when Remus came around the partially shut door, closing it very quickly. He was dusted with snow allover.

"Hello how's it going?" he asked, plucking some very long white hairs off him. They landed on a chicken egg timer that nobody noticed until then, and it was due to ring in 15 minutes. James picked up the post-it that was attached to it.

" _'Cancel the party or the bomb goes off.'_ Signed _'DDD'"_

"Never!" said Sirius and ripped the post-it to pieces and that was that.

No, that wasn't that. A bomb was going off in fifteen minutes, and the boys just knew instinctively that the disco ball was the bomb. How sneaky, to make the very symbol of what they loved a weapon of terrorism. By taking it down they'd be admitting defeat, by leaving it they'd be defeated. Just brilliant. There had to be another way.

"I know" said Sirius. "We'll just move everybody, except for the DDD. They can stay with the bomb"

They had to act fast. They had to find out who the DDD were, and to do that, they needed to get Fletcher to find out who the DDD were. Mrs. Scott-Holmes was right, they really _were_ lazy.

Fletcher wasn't behind the drumset. He had replaced himself with a slightly wound up cuckoo clock and a microphone so he could go participate in the soul train below and show how the funky chicken was not to be done. Two lines clapped as one dancer at a time danced or rolled between the lines and showing off their moves.

"Who are the DDD, do you know?" James asked, positioning himself next to Fletcher. It wouldn't be his turn for another six people or so.

"What?" Fletcher asked and cleaned out his ears.

"THE DDD! WHO ARE THEY?"

"It's a secret, innit?"

"Are you part of them or something?"

"That would also be a secret, wunnit?"

That wasn't the correct abbreviation, but it would have to do, and it sounded so right.

"But why?"

"They asked. I felt special"  
"So join our club, then"

"What club is that?"

"The MMM"

"That's a very bad letter numerologically. What does it stand for?"

" _Magic and Mysteries and... Men"_

"Oh, is it an all boy's club?"

"Aren't all real clubs?"

"That's true. I feel very special, but the DDD asked me first, or they would have if they had"

Fletcher was very loyal, there was no doubt that not even bringing him to the chinese torture chamber would do the trick. They would simply have to invade his mental privacy again and so they asked him to accompany them to the dummy room. Up there they jumped right inside his memory without swimming in basins first. They hadn't been sure how to access the necessary memories but somehow that sorted itself out.

Back inside his mental privacy the boys watched Fletcher trim his psychoactive holly tree in the green house when Rora stopped by.

"Hey Gus" she said. "How would you like to join the DDD, please?"

"Ok" replied Fletcher.

"Great. The horoscope said you'd do it"

"Oh really what's my sign?"

Rora closed her eyes to read his astrological chakras.

"Sun sign Taurus, moon sign Aquarius, rising sign Cancer"

"But which one dictates who I should marry?"

"Be at the hide-and-seekeasy tonight at 8, ok?"

The memory melted away. Fletcher was trimming his psychoactive holly tree in the next fragment as well. Then he had dinner. Then he was outside having tea. Then he was trying to save his cigarette from a burning holly tree. Then he picked his nose. After several flashes he was finally going to the hide-and-seekeasy, which turned out to be located at that cave that the boys called theirs. Some nerve these badger huggers had, hanging in their cave, drinking virgin Libre Cubas (that was non-alcoholic rum without the coca cola that they had brewed themselves) and bragging about loot until Lores put an end to it.

"Ok everybody listen" she said. "I have formed this Die Disco Die club because there is a disco on Saturday and it just cannot be allowed. I hate disco and I want it to die. I want it to die so hard"  
"Why?" Rora asked sensibly.

"Because I've been taking classical ballroom dance lessons all year, not lessons in doing the funky chicken! Apparently there will be soul trains and hip-bumping! Unacceptable, how can the staff allow this? So do you all, please, swear to assist me?"

"Of course" replied the little group without questions.

"I'm pleased"

Lores proceded to take them through the grand plan she had formed, but the boy didn't need to hear it because they had already figured out the gist of it. One by one they hopped out of Fletcher's privacy and then they were back in the dummy room.

They had to change the location of the party, but at the same time leave the DDD with the bomb. With less than ten minutes to go they had to be quick and efficient.

"Give me your thimble!" said Sirius and Remus did so. Sirius ran to the great hall with it, yelled "Fire!" until panic erupted and everybody rushed through the door. When the great hall was completely empty he threw the ring through the door and waited for every single Hufflepuff to run back inside to hunt for it. Then he locked the door on them.

It was a little disappointing, having to leave the disco ball and floor lights behind, but thankfully the old roller rink in Old Hogsmead had some functioning equipment lying around that worked just fine once they were plugged in and kicked a couple of times.

It was close to midnight when it was time to announce the winner of Best Make-Over. Sadly, Lores was no longer qualified on account of not being present, and it was Roy who fronted the band Rolling Ravens now, since Rora had had to be sacrificed to the bomb for the greater good of disco.

The boys talked it over and Sirius jotted down a winner on a note, slipped it in an envelope and passed it on to Roy, for him to open whenever he felt like.

"Ok ladies!" said Roy, note in hand. "It's time to announce the winner of Best Make Over!"

Anticipation was high when Roy unfolded the note. "The winner is Cas!"

" _What?!"_ Cassandra squeeed, super excited.

"Not you, honey" said Roy condescendingly. "Unless it's all some joke I haven't been informed of. Cas Meadows! Cas come up here!"

Cas was so stunned and moved to tears she couldn't walk straight. Tears washed down her cheeks as the red crown was placed upon her head.

"Take _that,_ Ebola!" she yelled and gave Crool the finger. "Oh I'm so beautiful aren't I? So many to thank, where to start..."

Mac pushed through the crowd with much urgency. "Cas no! You have to take it off!"  
Cas froze. "Oh no... I completely forgot!"

When she tore off the crown and flung it across the room her golden har was already crawling with lice. She wailed from distress.

"Oh no" said Remus, pointing at the crown on the floor. A ruby was blinking very fast, and ticking rapidly. Of course, it all made sense now. Those wizards in the elf-top hats, obviously they had wanted to blow up the second hand to put an end to their charitable work forever!

Panic erupted, but every door was locked and nobody could get out. Outside Lores and the closest thing she had to friends cackled at their futile escaping attempts.

"You couldn't even find a wheel in a clockwork!"they said and howled with laughter.

Then the crown exploded.


	14. Chapter 14

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 14 SUNDAY

Those who had been at the roller rink when it exploded awoke in the hospital wing the next morning with lice in their hair and were not to leave util they had treated their scalp with a solution that madam Pomfrey handed out.

It was such a miserable start of a day, to wake up with the recollection of having been outsmarted by Hufflepuffs. Pride just couldn't take a greater blow than that.

The only person who hadn't been afflicted with lice was Sirius, because of his special hair, so he was allowed to leave and wait outside as soon as he was up.

He thought he'd pass the time the way he usually did, by smoking, when professor Sprout approached him. Half the time when she was on the lookout for reasons to punish him it was like she was really on the lookout to punish professor McGonagall and undermine her authority.

"Good morning" she said. "I'm going to have to confiscate your roller blades"  
"What why?"

"Because disco has shown to be extremely dangerous and therefore everything relating to it is forbidden"

Was she joking? Was she even lying, would she really sink that low for the petty reason of not having been promoted to deputy headmistress?

But it wasn't personal. When Roy came out from the hospital wing, lice free, he too was asked to remove his roller blades.

"What why?" he asked, on his knees untying the laces.

"That's the new rule we decided on at the emergency staff meeting this morning. Disco causes mass unconsciousness and headlice. It is not safe and needs to die very hard"

Sirius untied his roller blades, too, and gave them to professor Sprout.

"Now if you excuse me I must ask Madam Pomfrey to confiscate all disco related possessions in the wards as well" she said and went inside the main patients ward.

"I don't believe this. Flitters will hear of this!" said Roy, sadly looking down at his pink socks as he walked away.

When Remus came out he had no time to wait for anybody, hear the terrible news or have his ring back, he just ran to the dormitory without a word. Had disco not just been forbidden it would have started to become something of interest.

"Ok we're clean" said James when at last he came out with nothing crawling in his hair along with Peter, and he too had nothing but socks on his feet now. "Oh she took your roller blades, too"

A letter fluttered down from owl claws and landed on Sirius's head. It wasn't a howler and he didn't recognize the font so he opened.

"Oh, I had forgotten all about that" he said, reading.

"What?"

"The informal design thing I started, Lunatique Designs. Somebody, who wishes to remain anonymous, needs a new suit in time for Christmas Eve. It has to be bright, colourful and festive, in the spirit of the holiday but still work all year round"

"Maybe it's Santa Claus who is looking for something new" said James.

"I sure hope so!"

And about time, too. The unusual and mysterious request made Sirius forget all about yesterday's failure.

When the school theatre rehearsed A Christmas Carol after lunch, Cas asked Sirius during their smoking break what he intended to do. He asked what she meant by that and she clarified that she was referring to the humiliating revenge he was plotting.

"Disco is forbidden because of her" Cas argued. "She can't get away with it"

The other cast members inched closer, all of them wanting to get back at Lores and all of them lacking the nerve to be the driving force.

"I suppose we could get her on stage somehow, pour buckets of frogs over her head and make _Lady Bump_ our final number" Sirius thought.

"Hey!" said Drew McGillicuddy, director and soon-to-be Hogwarts graduate, and came into the dressing room. "I said take five, what's taking so long?"

Sirius could feel the pressure on him, because Cas was literally poking him in the back with her wand and not because she was happy to see him.

"Drew can we use the play to riot against the disco prohibition?" he asked.

"Do it in your other free time. This is my musical and disco is for poofs" Drew replied.  
"But I thought you were cool.That's what everyone always says. 'That Drew, he is _so_ cool!' Ever since my first day. You got the book and music to Grease when it had barely premiered on Broadway. What happened to _that_ Drew, Drew?"

"Oh..." Drew had to remove his sunnies to dry his eyes. "I got old and stuffy, I suppose"

"There are two types of old people, Drew. Some become grumpy and grouchy and hate everything, others become wise and distinguished and grow long, white beards"

"You do know I'm just 17?"

"Oh"

"Please Drew" said Cas. "We want to get back at the person who is responsible for the prohibition. We'll just pour buckets of frogs over her, that's all!"  
"Now listen" said Drew. "How would that look, if I went along with this? Don't you see what a conflict this puts me in? I want you to have your revenge and inflict your justice, but I have to be the mature one and what do I care about some random toadfaced girl two years below me?"

The rest bowed their heads, dissapointed and shameful in a way somebody only moderately older could make them. Drew sighed and put down his script.

"I've done my share of stupid things to stupid people who totally deserved it, too. After one occasion the director before me said to me that we don't learn from inaction, which I thought was a fine way to excuse all necessary asshattery. I'm leaving, somebody else may take over"

"Drew, no!" cried the others and promised to be good but Drew silenced them.

"If there is anything you gotta do, your mind will perform all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify them. Goat speed. May you find the excuses you need to get back at this toadfaced hater"

Drew pushed back his point hat some and pushed through the door, lingering on the treshold to glance aside in a dramatic fashion and then he was gone.

"It's all my fault" said Sirius miserably.

"No it's not we all want this" said Cas. "Isn't that right"

Everybody nodded and expressed their deepest support, which was very sweet of them. Mona Weed, however, had some opinions because she thought a bucket of frogs was a tad on the mean side.

"Can't it be a bucket of confetti and a head cone and a huge fake diploma saying: 'World's Meanest Meanie'?" she asked.

Now that was a fair compromise everybody could agree on. The final song was immediately erased from the script and replaced with _Lady Bump,_ a scheme to get Lores on stage at the end was worked out and scripted and then the entire grouped rehearsed the new version of the musical for start to finish.


	15. Chapter 15

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 15 MONDAY

The yeti that was called Bubbles turned out to be quite a fast grower that seemed to double in height by the week and was now roughly the size of a larger standard poodle. It had been obvious from the beginning that he couldn't be hidden in the dorm for very long. Remus had tried moving him around, trying other locations, but he just couldn't go on like this, always being on tentherhooks was too much of a strain for a person already on constant tenterhooks. There was no way around it. Bubbles needed a new home quick and without sentimentality. He needed a place in the wild open air, in mountains where it snowed all year long and icicles grew on trees. But until the holidays, when there'd be more time and discretion, Remus needed a better temporary home for the creature, a home outside of Hogwarts but within map radar ideally. He considered the sewers, but you were never sure who ventured down there. He considered that wishing room, but that place was too chaotic.  
It was seven o' clock in the evening already. James was at quidditch, Sirius was rehearsing and Peter had extra tutoring in Transfiguration so Remus had the dormitory all to himself and just the privacy he needed to fully unfold and spread out the large map while Bubbles sniffed around. There was a different assortment of caves nearby, many of which were more popular than Remus had ever realized.  
Comparing locations and their pros and cons began to give him a headache and obsessing over the risks of each place had him lose track of time so the turning of the knob caught him completely off guard.  
"Flip hide!" he whispered to Bubbles, but Bubbles needed not be told, he was already diving under the bed.  
It was just James who came by to drop off some quidditch things, check if Sirius was in and then he was out again. Bubbles poked his nose out, then his entire head but just as he was crawling out the door opened again and he hid once more.  
"Let me just look" said James, remembering that he could just look for Sirius on the map to spare unnecessary physical looking as well as walking in on situations where interference was unwanted. Once he was finished looking he left again and the dorm was dead quiet.  
Remus took the map to the door, listening for unwanted returns whilst attempting to scrape Bubbles off the map. Minutes passed without any unwanted returns.  
"Ok Bubbles" said Remus, focusing only on scraping off Bubbles and seeing nothing else and still at the door, listening. "I think-Ow!"  
The door had hit him right in the face, but at least it had the courtesy of avoiding his nose and teeth. Somehow James seemed to think it weird that Remus was glued to the door.  
"What are you doing?" he asked.  
"Nothing"  
"What's this?"  
He took the map and looked at the half-finished scraping work. "You're trying to erase stuff!"  
"NoI'mnot"  
"Uncool! Who are you trying to erase anyway? Curse the tiny print, who's idea was that?"  
James pressed the large map against his face. "Who is Bub?"  
Remus didn't want to lie, but he didn't trust that Sirius would be able to keep his hands off Bubbles to use him for his devious purposes, nor did he trust that James wouldn't snitch to him first chance he got and he just could not afford to risk it, he had been warned with suspensions so many times already for his collecting.  
"Just my... worm" he therefore said.  
"Fine whatever be that way" said James and returned the map as if to really leave this time, but instead he lingered. "Where was Bluebell on the way there, and don't lie"  
"Ok" said Remus and said nothing more.  
"Suit yourself. See you later"  
Then he was gone again, and surely he wouldn't return for a while now. Remus spread out the map on the floor and Bubbles sat down beside him. Then the door opened again.  
"I didn't even get what I came back for" said James, this time back to pick up the multibox and this time he just couldn't miss the white blur that flew under Remus's bed. Most things were blurry to him but they tended to not behave like that. He got down on all four to look under the bed Bubbles had escaped.  
"You said the hunters got it" he said.  
"Not Bubbles"  
This probably explained all the atlases and North Pole travelling brochures.  
"Well" said James, up again. "I can see you're busy. I'll let you get back to it"  
"Hey, wait..."  
"What?"  
"I hate to ask this, but... Do you think... Could you, I mean, I'm really sorry to even say it, but it's only for a little while, if it's not entirely unreasonable... Maybe would you consider..."  
"Going out with you?"  
"No-"  
"Ok I won't tell Padfoot!" said James with grumpy reluctance.  
"Thanks"  
"But I won't like it. And it never ends well. He's even more longsighted than you are. Unlike me..."  
"It's only for a couple of days"  
With James gone Remus could get back to his search, and now he felt more stress than ever. The night of slaughter was on Thursday, so he'd be knocked out all Wednesday, feel like being knocked out tomorrow and had felt like sleeping all day. And the weekened, he shuddered at the though of the train wreck he'd be by then. He wouldn't be able to sneak around with Bubbles at all for almost a week. He had to act fast. 


	16. Chapter 16

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 17 TUESDAY

All James coud think about was that yeti in the dorm now. Sirius had complained all day about the way Roy expressed protest against not being the lead but all James had thought about since last night was that there was a yeti in the dorm. He was used to seeing a lot of things in the dorm, but a yeti was something people would pay good money to see at a circus and even more to stuff it in their wands or mount on a wall. As far as rarity went they were up there with unicorns, and seeing one was a very special honour, except if a man saw a unicorn he would forever be thought of as a sissy.  
"Look what he did!" said Sirius and pulled his toothpaste filled pockets inside out. "Look! Look!"  
He stuck the pockets back in and asked for his multibox.  
"What do you need it for?" James asked, handing it over.  
"I'll show him" Sirius muttered and selected the comb. "Now if only Twiggy would be so kind to drop by"  
It was never obvious if he meant the supermodel or his cat, but his cat was what he received. Twiggy, his white cat trotted right up to him and dropped a nice, juicy rat by his feet. Sirius picked her up and sat down by some stairs to brush her, plotting to rub her fur allover Roy's robes.  
"So basically you need lots of fur of a very white creature I mean animal?" James asked, itching to gossip.  
"It shows and it doesn't go away in the washing. It's really annoying, it must be static glue in the stuff"  
"Yeah I know. When I brush Sparky, my white Bichon Frise, I get fur allover. You'd think I was a yeti I mean spaghetti"  
Sirius gave him a side glance. "Ok, give me"  
"What?"  
"You're tripping on something and I want some"  
"You know me. The only thing I get high on is Bubbles- I was going to say 'trouble'"  
"Now you're not only tripping on your own Freudian Slips, you're also lying. You've tripped on plenty real stuff. So... 'Bubbles'? 'Creature'? 'Spaghetti'?"  
"Ok what of it?" James asked, nervous.  
"All I get is a very bad stomach condition. Are Marie and Toinette vomiting worms again?"  
"Thankfully no. Anyway, you really mustn't push me. So, do you have enough cat hair now?"  
Twiggy saw a mouse and darted off. Sirius dropped the final chunk of fur in the pile beside him, looking disappointed.  
"It's not enough. I want it to get everywhere"  
"In all caves and abandoned premises I meant cracks and crevices"  
But Sirius hadn't noticed the last slip because he was distracted by his own moderately irritating scheme. "I want to build a mountain! No, I want to bring it to life!"  
A thunder cracked and lightning illuminated his pale face as he cackled wickedly.  
"There's a yeti in the dorm!" James blurted and covered his mouth.  
"What's that? I didn't here you over the thunder bell" said Sirius and began to bunch the fur together.  
"Nothing..." James slouched shamefully where he sat. Was he really such a gossip? This was of course why Remus was so secretive. He just needed a distraction, that was all. He began to pace.  
"Ok that sounds interesting a fur monster those never get old do they?" he said. "Intriguing, how about we look into alternatives?"  
Sirius took his round ball of fur, tossed it in the air, punched it like a volley ball and zapped the whole thing into jelly in the middle of its peak. It dropped and broke into gelatinous shards on the floor. "Or perhaps if your teeth became all jiggly..."  
"There's a yeti in the dorm!" James blurted again. "Why can't I stop myself?"  
"Sorry, I was thinking of something else" said Sirius and got up as well. "Ok let's look for ways. What is this?"  
He plucked a long strand of white hair off James's jumper. Now, withholding information was one thing but he had not been asked to lie and nor did he intend to, he did not want any part of their drama.  
"That must be yeti hair" he therefore said, honest and mostly guilt-free.  
Sirius seemed to find the hair more fascinating than the information he had just been given for he kept feeling it and testing its strength by pulling at it.  
"I know it's hair but where did you get it?"  
"I just told you. It's yeti hair"  
"Did you give Dumbledore a haircut or what?"  
This was weird, it was as if Sirius was suffering from selective deafness. While he enjoyed the feel of the hair, James snuck up beside him and brushed some hair from his ear. Sirius jumped, as if he found it weird, intrusive and perverted or something.  
"Woah are you coming on to me?" he asked, backing away.  
"Yeti yeti yeti!" James yelled in his self-absorbed face.  
"What? Jelly? Stop fooling around!"  
"You have strange squiggles on your ear. Come on, see for yourself"  
They went inside the restroom a few doors down, where walls were lined with mirrors and floors with reflective puddles. Sirius would never have to get bored from seeing himself from one angle here.  
"When did that happen?" he asked, leaning over the sinks to look more closely at the pink markings. "And who just who?"  
"Who indeed..."  
Sirius began to wash it all off with a damp paper cloth.  
"Do you know what it says?"  
"No. My runic isn't too good. Yeti yeti yeti!"  
"Ok what about yetis?"  
"Nothing..."  
If Sirius couldn't put two and two together he didn't deserve to know. Sirius tossed the damp paper in the bin. "Where was Bluebell on the way there?"  
"Where was Bluebell?" James stroked his chin and looked up at the ceiling. "I guess I don't know Bluebell's exact routines"  
"It couldn't have been a yeti. Yetis are humongous"  
"Not when they're babies. Oh, could you kick me in the shins for me?"  
"Sure" said Sirius and kicked James in the shins.  
"I wasn't supposed to say there's a yeti in the dorm. But what is worse than my betrayal is that the reason for my inability to keep my mouth shut is that I want you to hide Bubbles under a mountain of cat fur on Roy's bed!"  
"He would be so scared and then nobody would believe him!"  
"He'd think he was crazy!"  
"So... you don't think it's a little, I don't know, disloyal?"  
"Disloyal? All I want to do is be of help. Now listen, Bubbles is getting too big for the dorm and has to be moved really soon. If we take care of everything, what harm is there if we have a bit of harmless fun? Roy will just get a little scare, that's all! Bubbles wouldn't harm a fly!"  
"Wow you sound like me. Ok move him where?"  
"I don't know, someplace where there is room and privacy. It's only temporary, just to get him out of Hogwarts to begin with"  
"Hm. The first place that comes to mind is the old roller rink, people never go there since they think it's full of lice now"  
"If we start planning we could be done by Wednesday already, perfect timing"  
"Alright. So you really don't mind if we keep it to ourselves, then?"  
"It's what everybody would want. Moony doesn't want to know, he won't see how foolproof it is, he will just be all: 'I see the fools but no proof.' We mustn't waste time on fussing, time is money!"  
"You don't have to convince me!"  
Returning to the dorm for the night they were already brainstorming a plan, envisioning great success and a happy yeti. 


	17. Chapter 17

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 17 WEDNESDAY

The alarm had gone off at 4 AM Tuesday morning. Sirius had blasted it to pieces 4:30 and gone back to sleep. Four hours later when he, James and Peter were up, dressed and ready, they were faced with a decision: to wake or not to wake.  
Bubbles began to blink and stretch under Remus's limp and dreaming embrace. It was all very precious.  
"Alright it's only Tuesday. Wakey wakey" Sirius finally decided and shook Remus by the shoulders until his eyelids began to jitter. He was very slow to respond at first, but then he bolted up, looking panic struck as if the kitchen was out of lemon again.  
"The alarm!"  
"I turned it off. It was a little early" said Sirius, so tempted to apply some gel to that chaotic Beethoven hair.  
Remus looked from Sirius to Bubbles and slouched, defeated.  
"It doesn't matter"  
"Were you going to sneak off and hide him from me?"  
"I thought you'd want to use him on somebody"  
"I resent that you only think that of me" said Sirius and stroked Bubbles over the back.  
"So you won't think to use him on someone, then?"  
"For you to even ask such a thing"  
"So you won't?"  
"That hurts, you know"  
"So you won't, then?"  
"What if I were to ask you that?"  
"Please don't. I have to get him out of here and I don't know if I can tomorrow"  
"Sometimes it's like to think of me as an enemy. Where were you supposed to go at four in the morning?"  
"I thought that maybe Hagrid would find him a fun surprise..."  
"Hagrid?" Sirius had to laugh. "He can't keep turtles without cracking their shells! It would have been the last time you ever saw Bubbles. Hagrid has people running in and out all the time 'rescuing' his 'adoptees'"  
"It would only have been until tonight"  
"Oh, right. Well, while you were plotting abandoning Bubbles in such unsafe and clumsy care, we decided we'd just take him to that closed roller rink in Old Hogsmead, where he can play in the snow machine until the holiday"  
"How were you going to do that?"  
"That's not important. The important thing is that we will take care of everything and you won't have to do a thing.  
"That's very nice of you but I can probably take Bubbles to the rink myself"  
In his current half-zombie state? In his dreams maybe. "And how were you going to do that?"  
"Walking, I guess"  
"With all the dark wizards out there at night and in your condition to boot? How are you to walk anywhere when you can't even think straight. Just trust us, ok? Haven't we always said we'd do something and then done it? Yes or no?"  
"Well-"  
"Homework and chores don't count"  
"In that case, I guess so"  
"I think you just answered your own question"  
Sirius gave Bubbles a final pat and stood up. "Ok we gotta go. We just thought we'd wake you so you wouldn't hassle us for not waking you. See you later"  
Out of the dorm, down the stairs and straight to the series of classes that was on today's curricular menue and none of which the chaps had ordered, each eating hours of time that could be spent working out the logistics of the scheme. Whilst trimming mistle shock, brewing holiday cheer and animating snowmen they would whisper to each other and get so excited they didn't notice they had stopped whispering and were in fact talking really loudly until a teacher told them to quiet down back there.  
Baking gingerbread houses was just a perfect way to round off a school day. It allowed for some informal leisure whilst the ginger bread pieces baked in the oven and off topic chatter whilst icing the bits together was not frowned upon, and also, using a gingerbread landscape to act everything out really helped with the visualising.  
"So we'll disguise ourselves, go to the forest and summon the paramedics for an emergency" said James, playing around with two gingerbread women on a cutting board. "But how do we get rid of them?"  
Sirius let green royal icing flood the outlines of a gingerbread man and added some troll-like facial features to the head using a paper cone with a very narrow tip. "Shishi will scare them. If it's not Hogwarts grounds it's not against the rules, ha. Then we'll take the helicopter to the rink, spray it and keep it there until we need it"  
"Sounds good, that's our night sorted"  
James tossed the gingerbread women aside and began to pipe on one of the walls. "Tomorrow we have to get to Roy's dorm while it's empty. I know we have Charms with them between 10 and 12"  
James made a note of it with his icing, underlined it and wrote One Hour Lunch in a neat cursive. "Then after lunch I know we have Transfiguration"  
"I think he has double Herbology hour, but it starts a little later" said Sirius, himself squiggling on a roof piece. "If we shirk Defense class we could use that time. But transporting a yeti, that is bound to attract attention"  
Having to shirk Defense class was actually disappointing for once in their lives, because although opinions about professor Lawson were divided, she would always lick cookie batter off her fingers in front of the class with her robes open enough to reveal a negligé underneath. Oh, and she was hot.  
"If we get him to walk on all four we can say he is a dog" said James.  
"We'll throw a blanket over him and if anybody gets too nosy I'll say my cat had an accident" Sirius decided.  
"Alright. With the route we're taking the exposure time will be very brief, people won't know what they saw anyway. Did you say you know the password?"  
"Yeah. It's 'Row row row your weena'. But what do we do if we have a code Mayday Mayday?"  
"Wormtail will distract professor McGonagall if necessary, and keep an eye on her track, isn't that right Wormtail?"  
Peter looked up from the masterful piping work he had performed on his gingerbread Westminster Abbey. "Yes" he said.  
"What will you say if we run into professor McGonagall?"  
"That my tummy hurts?"  
"No, that you need help with homework, got that?"  
"Ok"  
Gingerbread houses of varied style and skill level were coming together all around in the kitchen. Professor Ramsay called most of them shite and smashed them to pieces, making some students cry, but he couldn't even pretend to loathe Peter's masterful gingerbread Westminster Abbey. He wasn't the type to shower anybody with praise and encouragement, which made the lack of angry bile spewed from his mouth all the more meaningful.  
"Nice" he said. "Not very rustic. You could enter the gingerbreadhouse contest"  
"With that?" James asked.  
"No. It has to be an original model. They're tearing down the second hand to build a gingerbread hotel there. It has to be according to scale, and come with fifty furnished guest rooms as well as public spaces and staff premises. The details are in the Daily Prophet. First price is a trip to the North Pole"  
That sounded like far too much work for a trip to the North Pole. The boys had a helicopter, or would soon, and didn't really need to win tickets. Yet, seeing the more skillful bakers lift the rooftops off their creations to peek inside tickled their prideful competitor bones, but only a little bit and ultimately the realization that icing fifty tiny rooms together would be far too tedious for them made them forget all about that and they went over their plan again.

Something happened to forests when night fell. All of a sudden eyes glowed everywhere and branches tried to strip you.  
"Fuck off!" said Sirius and broke off a thorny branch that had somehow gotten under his shirt.  
"Ok Shishi I choose you!" said James and flung a pocket globe at a tree stump. The bipedal river imp that was known as Shishi the Kappa popped out in a cloud of rank swamp gas. He grinned cheek to cheek, like he always did, although he was shivering like crazy in the cold. The poor thing was naked, after all, and hairless. Sirius wrapped his scarf around him and then he tore off his arm and told him to hide behind a tree. Shishi bounced off obediently, cackling with mischievous delight.  
James wasn't too warm either although he had layers of jumpers under his coat and over his blouse and skirt. He and Sirius could have dressed up as all sorts of things, and tonight they had simply felt like dressing up as grannies. He pointed his wand at the sky and fired an SOS. Then he and Sirius went to hide behind the tree with Shishi, just waiting and listening.  
A helicopter arrived in an instant and two paramedics hopped out and searched the dark with their lumious wands.  
"Great. Another one of those prank calls" they said when nobody answered their calls and turned back.  
"Ok Shishi go!" James urged.  
It was so obvious that Shishi much preferred to be part of this than untangling spools of thread. He ran between the paramedics and the helicopter and just creeped them out with his sinister stare, while they questioned if he, being of such low stature, could pose any real threat. But Shishi's impressive rows of shark teeth made the paramedics careful not to judge him based on his size alone.  
"What is that, Kate?"  
"That has to be a kappa, Lou" replied Kate. "It must have escaped from the zoo"  
"Ok so what do we do? Do we need to alert aurors?"  
"Look, one arm is missing. Listen, see the bowl on the head? We have to make it spill out the water so we can refill it and earn its services, ok?"  
"That sounds trippy"  
"I know but kappas are really weird. They're japanese, what do you expect?"  
"Ok I think I saw a branch we can use to tip it over with"  
But Kate went through her paramedic robes until she found some lose change. She was going to toss it at Shishi's feet to make him look down and spill out the water in his head-bowl that his body warmth kept from freezing too quickly. Sirius rolled a snowball and threw it at her. She turned around hastily, demanding to know who'd thrown it.  
"Get them!" James yelled.  
Shishi opened wide and let out a large cloud of toxic swamp gas, making the paramedics sick, dizzy and unable to see outside the green fumes. The boys ran to the helicopter, yelled at Shishi to come with them and fired another SOS for the paramedics just before take off. 


	18. Chapter 18

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 18 THURSDAY

It was just after lunch. A hot sun blasted on the sunny beach of dormitory M. The Tropical Dance had made palmtrees sprout from the walls and dust transform into seashells. Had it not been for a light ocean breeze it would have been unbearable.

Remus was sleeping sprinkled in golden grains of sand with an arm around Bubbles as if he was an extra pillow, which was great because it meant he wouldn't fuss and ask a, why were they throwing a blanket over Bubbles and b, had they seen Shishi anywhere.

Shishi had been left at the ice rink with the honourable task of spraypainting the helicopter, that was all.

And now the other boys were ready. Sirius had Bluebell and James had a bucket of fresh icicles.

"Ok let's do it" said Sirius, holding the white angora in his arms, ready for a classic switcheroo.

"Alright" said James, left with the task of waking Bubbles from slumber. He shook the juvenile yeti carefully. "Oh Bubbles, rise and shine Bubbles..."

Bubbles began to blink and wiggle his purple, wet nose. James rattled the bucket.

"Look what I got here, Bubbles!" he whispered.

Bubbles raised his head and sniffed, curious, and James backed away and put down the bucket by the door, rattling the whole time. Holding Bluebell in one arm now, Sirius used the other to lift Remus's arm off Bubbles so he could crawl off the bed and be smoothly exchanged for a rabbit, which with his long white fur wasn't that unlike what Bubbles must had looked like two weeks ago. The manouver succeded, Remus kept snoozing away and wasn't easily disturbed by the crunching of icicles. When Bubbles had finished the treat he slurped down the excess water and arose on two legs. He was so tall and grew so fast he'd have to bend for the ceiling by the weekend for sure. James grabbed hold of the nearest blanket.

"Ok Bubbles get down on all four come on! Just do what Twiggy is doing!"  
Except Twiggy interrupted her trot at that very moment to lick her own butt.

Some more icicles would have been handy, to hand out as a reward, but they melted. Was there any item on the yeti food circle that didn't need to be frozen? Sirius began to look inside shoe boxes in the hopes that Remus had been succesful in teaching a fairy to snow dance.

"Here are some icicles" he said when he found a frosted shoebox full of icicles and one frozen water sprite, stiff and crystallized until the tropical warmth outside the box transformed her into flying liquid, blue as pool water and with a voice like rain fall.

James had his mittens on and he grabbed a handful of icicles and dropped them in the bucket.

"Down boy!" he told Bubbles, who very much wanted to stick his big fuzzy face in the bucket. "Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!"

It was all very irritating to listen to and Bubbles just stared.

"It's not working" said Sirius.

"It will. Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Ok, Wormtail, how about you go out for a second and then come back in?"

Peter did so, just very excited to be involved at all. Well, it was Christmas.

When the door knob turned, Bubbles transformed into a quadruped and James had to feed him an ice cube instantly to get him on new thoughts.

"Very good Bubbles who's a good boy yes you are yes you are _yes_ you _are_ yes you _are..."_

Now it didn't take long for Bubbles to respond to 'down' with the correct behaviour. They were almost good to go, save for a couple of things. James took out a leash.

"I can't watch" said Sirius and looked away.

"Some people keep their cats on a leash"  
"Some people keep their cats in a stew"  
Bubbles did not resist being leashed and was generously rewarded with several icicles for the cooperation. Now all that remained was to cover him up with a blanket and then they could finally move on, and take the large sack of cat hair with them.

The commonroom was empty, the halls for the most part abandoned. Peter kept his squidgy nose in the map all the way to the Ravenclaw tower.

"Row row row your weena" said James and Regina Eagletalon, the framed niece of Rowena Ravenclaw, had no choice but to open for the password.

The Ravenclaw commonroom was deserted as well. Hadn't they written down Roy's dorm letter the gusts of refreshing mintiness would surely have led them to the correct door. And certain as only they could be that the dorm really was empty they let themselves in.

Dental floss and mouthwas was stapled on Roy's bedside table. James led Bubbles to his bed and pushed at him gently so he'd lie down. Roy's class would end in forty minutes. Sirius didn't stay for very long since he had to get the helicopter from the ice rink. James gave Peter the bucket and told him to pluck icicles in the forest, and that if anybody asked, he was to say that it was for a snowman. Then he was alone with the yeti.

He began to empty the cat hair over Bubbles, a little worried it would irritate him but it only served to make him so comfortable he fell asleep. When he was done he could hear the helicopter Shishi had sprayed with invisibility runes outside and he climbed through the window and over the rooftop to get inside, having to feel his way towards it but he was used to having to do that a lot. There he and Sirius untangled their eaves-mugs, which were papercups and thread with some magic attached, and threw one end inside the dorm, to allow maximal hearing. Then they passed the time playing cards until Peter was back with the icicles, which he left on Roy's table before getting inside the helicopter with them, ten minutes before Roy's class was due to end precisely.

"You were supposed to bring the icicles here" said James but now it was too late. The door knob turned and a firework of catfur erupted as Bubbles dashed under the bed in a flash.

"What the..." said Roy and his dorm mates, confused by all the cat hair that was stuck to their entire dorm now.

"Somebody's idea of a little joke, har har" said Willy Tadger dryly and pulled off his wide sleeved over-robe.

"Now this is a great nesting place for nargles!" said Phil, excited. "Mona has to see this!"  
"Oh no it's allover my costume now!" said Roy and ran to his grey chemise with papier maché chains. As he inspected the clothes he saw the bucket of icicles on his bedside table among the mouthwash and toothpicks.

"If this is somebody's idea of a joke it is very weird. I don't think I get it"

"Now you can test your new mouth wash" said Phil. "And eat icicles, just like in the commercial"

Tadger, Cameron and Blair informed on exit that professor Flitwick had called for class meeting on the notice board.

"Are you coming?" Phil asked when he had collected his fur samples.

"I have to brush first" Roy replied.

When he was alone in the dorm he swept to the bathroom to pick up a tooth brush, for Roy didn't walk, he swept because sweeping was just sexier. The manner of moving, that was, not the household chore.

Brush in mouth and foaming at the lips he paced up and down, just all around puzzled by all the white fur.

"Sirius..." he deduced accurately. "Not all the cat hair in the world is going to undo the fact that I am your stand-in as Scrooge tomorrow, silly"

Meanwhile, the helicopter was getting rather smoky and grey due to Sirius's smoking habit.

"Look at him" he said while Roy was out of sight again, gargling and spitting in the bathroom. "He's been smiling _the whole time!_ He's already way too cheery for a convincing Jacob Marley!"

"Shush there he is maybe he'll talk to himself some more" said James and put the eaves-mug to his ear.

Roy talked to himself a lot.

"Ok new mouth wash, let's see what you can do!" he said and plucked an icicle from the bucket and bit off the tip. "I love the feeling of nothing in my enamel!"  
Well aware that he was late for that class meeting, Roy promised himself that he'd only have one more for the road

"I like my icicles like I like my mouthwash: _cold!"_ he said and selected a particularly large specimen next. "Although one isn't supposed to rinse after brushing, naughty me!"

The way he rattled with the icicles Bubbles just couldn't stay away anymore. He dived straight towards Roy, who dropped the bucket and backed into the secretary, now looking the part of a ghost, or like he was looking at the part of a ghost anyway. There he stood, trembling and gawping while Bubbles feasted on spilled icicles. When there were no more he stood up and burped.

" _Infernus Blastus!"_

Roy's thin walnut wand spat a level 3 sphere of red flames that hit Bubbles right in the gut. Bubbles staggered back, slapping his big hands where his fur had caught fire and roaring. Thankfully, being such a cold creature, the fire pretty much died out on its own. But Bubbles was still shaken, and Roy kept firing until Bubbles was back under the bed.

Roy was shaken as well. The minute he had his back turned to go and very hysterically alert everybody he came across that there was a yeti in the dorm, Bubbles flew at him, enraged and wrestling him to the floor and tearing at his clothes with very long claws.

"Oh flip!" said James in the helicoper and kept blowing tranquelizers through a bamboo tube but kept missing for the quick movement "We have to get in there"

"Wait look Roy is leaving now" said Sirius and held him back.

Roy did not owe it to himself for being released, it was so obviously Bubbles who freed him on his mercy after having gotten his point across. Even so, Roy left the dorm and would be back at anytime with the biggest crowd he could gather. James and Sirius hopped out of the helicopter, broke off some icicles as they crossed the roof and used them to make Bubbles come out to them. Bubbles was out of the dorm just in time for Roy to return with a group of ten or so Ravenclaws.

"I'm not dreaming!" he said, almost as upset as when he had drunk coffee.

"A yeti, Roy? Really?" asked Blair, expressing a disbelief most of them shared.

"Yetis are rare enough in the wild" Cameron agreed.

"But look at me!" said Roy, gesturing at his fringy robes. "I'm a mess! You're saying a cat did this?"

"A cat definitely could"

"But I know what I saw _and_ I know who's to blame! Gah, if it isn't a poltergeist or a lizard... Nnngh!" Roy punched air he was so angry. Then he took a deep breath, for nobody took angry people seriously. "Have I ever made something like this up? Have I ever kept anything _illegal?"_

" _Well-"_ said Phil.

"Shut up"

"Alright" said professor Flitwick, parting the growing crowd as he passed. "If there is a yeti around I think it will be very hard to miss. Just carry on as normal. I'll bring it up with professor McGonagall"

The roof was icy and Sirius slipped and fell trying to get back in the helicopter, something he did a lot just because he didn't like the 'clumsy' look of most winter shoes. James had to grab hold of him to prevent him from sliding off completely and hit the roof below because that would just be noisy.

"What was that?" Phil asked and poked his head through the window. In doing so he could see the boys very clearly. James pleaded for his silence.

"I love nargles nargles are great!" he whispered and pulled the leash in a direction that would lead Bubbles further away from the window. "Please don't say anything. Come on... Snow White, come _on!"_

But Bubbles much preferred breaking off icicles here and there. With urgency being a larger priority at the moment, Sirius heaved himself inside the invisible helicopter once he found it and tried to steer it as close to Bubbles as he could.

But Phil, 'though he was weird, was not as dim as he seemed.

"First you unleash a yeti on Roy and then you ask me to be quiet about it?" he whispered back.

"We're trying to save it, don't we? Hey, this dispute isn't between us. Think of what's best for Snow White!"  
"What's going on out there?" came Roy's voice.

"Erm" said Phil and withdrew. "The nargles are out there, yes, major nargles"  
But Phil could not keep Roy from sticking his head through the window.

"It's out there! It's out there just see for yourselves!"  
Cameron and Blair helped professor Flitwick through the window. His wand was almost as tall as himself and on the slippery roof he could use it as a supporting staff.

"Step away from the yeti" he squeaked.

"Why what will you do?" James asked. The wind began to whip up and it was hard even for him to maintain balance without anything to hold on to.

"Alert professor Lawson and have her deal with it"  
"And how will she do that?" Turn Bubbles into salted caramel fudge?

"We'll see just step away from the yeti, please"  
"Oh! Oh!" said Roy. "Why don't I just alert professor Lawson right now?"

"Yes do that" professor Flitwick consented and Roy was off.

"Look we're just trying to protect it from hunters?" said James.

"Then you shouldn't have brought it here now step away from the yeti, please. And you, get down from there!"

Sirius and Peter had to look pretty odd, sitting in an invisible helicopter.

"Give me the leash" Sirius told James and was not afraid to be tougher with it to get Bubbles away from the icicles and the direction he wanted.

"Good afternoon" said professor Lawson, poking through the window beside several curious faces. "What's going on here, then? Oh hello there, little fellow!"

"Please don't call me that, Rigella" said professor Flitwick, not because he was tiny but because professor Lawson was a rather luscious specimen of professor that everybody fancied. "Do you see the yeti?"

"Yes I see" said professor Lawson behind curtains of glossy chestnut waves. "Right"

"What will you do?"

"One moment"

Professor Lawson took off her robes and climbed out on the roof top dressed in a red negligé and with a piece of mud cake in her hand.

"It is important to be comfortable and energized when facing a yeti" she said softly as she nibbled tiny bits of the cake and giving each bit the attention and time it deserved. "Some might say the caramel frosting is a bit much but hey, it gets the job done. When I substitute with low fat alternatives I just crave for the full fat and end up eating the double amount because I have to bake a new batch, ha ha ha!"

She took her time to finish the cake and how she wasn't freezing in her negligé wasn't important. Somehow the time seemed to stand still while she licked her fingertips. When she was done and had dried off her wet fingers she took her curvy cocoa wand from her cleavage and assumed attack-position.

"Alright then, my friend. Time for a little nap"

Professor Lawson could maintain balance in linquini heels quite effortlessly. Bubbles, who was finally allowing himself to be ushered inside the helicopter, was hit in the side and tumbled off the rooftops like a sack of wheat and Sirius had to let go of the leash to avoid plummeting along.

"You there, why don't you come inside?" professor Lawson asked, just sounding so friendly and inviting. Sirius pulled James inside the helicopter and they flew away before James had even shut the door after him. Looking back, they could just catch a glimpse of Bubbles lying still in a pile of snow just outside the kitchen backdoor.

Remus had only just awoken when professor McGonagall came in and said that the headmaster wanted to see him, and that just never bode well, especially to be asked at a time such as this, it just wasn't like any of them.

Professor Dumbledore sat as usual behind his desk, surrounded by rejected ginger bread house sketches. Professor McGonagall stood beside him, hands behind her back in a dignified posture. They didn't really look angry, nor extremely serious, it was very hard to guess their intentions from their expressions alone but they did not look happy either.

"Mr. Lockhart was attacked by a yeti in his dormitory earlier today" said professor McGonagall. "Are you responsible in bringing any yeti to Hogwarts?"

"Yes" Remus replied, his head bowed. In a way the timing couldn't be better for right now he was way too fatigued and on edge to care about some futile yeti attack on some dimwit.

"Ok then. Well, the headmaster and I talked it over and we agree that similar incidents have happened far too many times. Therefore we've decided to suspend you for three months"

"Ok"

In a way it felt like a relief.

"That's what you think" said professor Dumbledore, argumentative.

"I'm trying to uphold the rules here, Headmaster" said professor McGonagall. "Mr. Lockhart came close to being injured. Are we supposed to wait until somebody dies again?"

"From what I've been told Remus wasn't even anywhere near when it happened. He's probably been sleeping all day"

Despite the good intentions that just made Remus feel like he was a really lazy person, and that on top of being so irresponsible as well.

"I certainly don't think he wanted to hurt anybody but one shouldn't keep pets if one can't keep an eye on them" said professor McGonagall.

"There is nothing in the rules about around the clock supervision because that is unreasonable and not doable, you should know that, you have four cats that you let come and go as they please"

"Cats are allowed here, yetis are not, those are the _rules,_ and letting him off the hook every time has only taught him that there aren't consequences"

She was all too right, her arguments all too well grounded. There really was no arguing with her, the rules were plain as day and not disputable.

"Very well" said professor Dumbledore. "Let the suspension begin on Monday, so that's December 18 to March 18. But we can't send him home"

"Headmaster, I don't think you understand the purpose of a suspension very well"

"It will be too much, I will not hear of it, and at Christmas, too. No, I have a better idea. How about he stays with Hagrid? He might be able to scare him sufficiently! His house is technically outside the grounds, so if he accepts, which I just know he will, you can't do anything"

Professor McGonagall was still hesitant. "Headmaster, it does seem like a compromise to me. For the message to _really_ hit home-"

"Alright, so it's decided! Three months with Hagrid, that will teach him to not get caught so easily!"

And with those as the final words in the matter it was decided and Remus was told he was free to go back to bed now if he so chose. He would much have preferred to keep looking for Bubbles, but he couldn't even make it down the stairs without becoming exagerratedly exhausted. He couldn't look at the map because it was taken, he couldn't send Shishi because he was taken. At least he could find comfort in the fact that Bluebell, lacking in magic qualities, did as of yet remain untaken.

The search for Bubbles led the other map owners all the way to the Diagon Alley Zoo, where Bubbles had been taken after being knocked out by professor Lawson. After having parked the helicopter on the roof they went inside, passed several cages and terrariums, full of birds and snakes of varying colours and abilities, and tugging at locked staff doors as they came across them.

"Hey Padfoot" James whispered, having caught sight of a young woman in zookeeper robes shaking the last fags from a box of Rothmans by the grootslangs. "How about you flirt your way to a skeleton key or something?"

Sirius really couldn't protest after what they had done today.

"Very well..." he replied, put an unlit fag in his mouth to have something to talk about and tapped the lady on the back. "Excuse me, hello?"

The woman turned to face him and he backed away as if she was a troll although she was so, so beautiful with her long and luscious black hair, silvery eyes and the porcelain face of an angel.

"Why hello there!" she said.

"What are _you_ doing here, Bell?"

"I work here, what does it look like?"

"As a dirty zookeeper? I thought you were my dad's secretary"

"So maybe I wanted to get into dirty zookeeping, what business is that of yours? Why I should probably ask you why you aren't in school or something"

"That's none of your business"

"Alright. Do you need light, darling?"

A small, green flame burnt at the tip of Bella's elegant, black wand and Sirius dipped his cigarette in it, really needing something a lot stronger for what he was about to do.

"Wow..." he said. "You look hot in those robes"

"Why thank you"

"Sometimes I have impure fantasies where you are my sister and we do the egyptian"

Bella leaned so close her painted lips touched his ear and she whispered:

"Sometimes I have impure fantasies where you are my brother"

"That doesn't actually turn me on very much" said Sirius, sick to his stomach from the advances but also enamoured with Bella's perfectly manicured nails. It wasn't unusual for male (and allegedly very heterosexual) rockstars to grow long nails and paint them but they had yet to sport chic French manicures and make it more rock n roll.

"Don't you think I can tell when you want something?" Bella asked, dazzling him with her champagne-edged fingers. "You know I've always been there to play your games with you. That is never going to change. So now you want to get in my knickers? Alright, let's hear your lines, then"

"Ok" said Sirius, having worked out a couple of ones now. "I want to incest you so much and stick my pedigree in your purity line"

"What do you want?"

"I want you"

"And what's the other thing you want?"

"Therapy"

Bella dropped a glowing cigarette stump in the rubbish bin and put her fabulous hand on the staff door.

"I think my shift is over now. It was good to see you! Visit sometime!"

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to the lockerroom to change"

"Oh right..." said Sirius and looked in the bin and found a half finished Tizer to spill allover him. "Woopsie now I need to wash it off"

Bella sniggered at the blatant insincerity but still let him come along.

"Well now what?" Peter asked.

He was right. Hanging around by the grootslang just waiting for Sirius to woo a skeleton key or anything at all useful out of his sexy and wicked cousin was not a very good use of their time, James thought when he heard the door being discretely unlocked from inside, a sound followed by at first three taps, then two taps, then three taps again, and then another two taps.

James and Peter waited for a minute after the final tap before letting themselves in. Carefully they passed through the staff room and the cafeteria and stopped at the backdoor, where through open blinds they saw the silhouettes of wizards in dark flowing patched-together robes and wide brimmed pointy hats tugging a large bear-like beast by the chains towards a bus.

Two wizards without chains to pull engaged in quiet conversation just outsode the window.

"What's taking her so long?" asked one.

"I don't know" replied the other.

Now that James had seen Bubbles, seen that he was on the whole well and where he was taken, there was really no use of Sirius getting into anything weird when he was needed elsewhere. James ran to the locker room while Peter remained at the window and kept lookout.

"Don't do it don't do it don't do it- _ow!"_

A door hit James in the nose.

"I can't do it I can't too weird!" said Sirius and shoved him out of his way.

"What happened?" James asked. Now that he saw the zookeeper again he felt like the worst bro ever for having intented to interrupt it, for weren't bros supposed to do the _opposite?_

"She's crazy she wants to call me _uncle!_ Blegh! _"_ Sirius shivered as if he had fleas and cried for a shower. The zookeeper, who was now dressed in black robes and a wide brimmed pointy hat called him a baby and bid good night.

"Listen I saw them all outside with Bubbles just now" said James when he could no longer hear Bella's linguini stilettos and showed the way.

The motor of the bus was running. Out on the parking the boys could see the very last wizards board the vehicle and had to do something.

" _Jellify!"_ Sirius whispered sassily.

The jellified wheels collapsed under the weight of the bus and and passengers staggered out, enraged. James was annoyed. He wanted to show off some tonight, too, but he had yet to find his trademark magic, something that was both quirky and useful ideally. But topping bubblegum, that was hard. Jellify came close, but only because it was a type of transfiguration as opposed to a charm like Bubblefy.

Angry voices demanded to know 'who did that?' and the boys snuck back inside the kitchen quietly, where they were protected from cascades of dark curses.

"Who has Shishi?" James asked.

"I think you do" Sirius replied.

"I really don't"

"Neither do I"

Shishi was probably still at the roller rink, then. The wizards outside didn't seem to think it worthwile to waste any more time on a couple of pranksters. A new bus came to pick them up and they began to load Bubbles onto the new one. James started searching the kitchen drawers and found just what he needed, a box of jaffa cakes. He began to stuff several in Peter's pockets.

"You have to get on top of the bus and drop crumbs go!" he said.

Peter shrunk into a little rat and scurried off, so eager to please he forgot to get scared.

Then the bus rolled away. James and Sirius ran out of the kitchen, through the empty parking and onto the road, which they followed until they came to a crossing, where crumbs had to dictate what way to take.

Discerning crumbs from gravel in the dark devoured hours. The bus was gone and the moon high. Passing a park, James caught sight of a bicycle stand illuminated by streelights.

"Bicycles!" he exclaimed and saddled one. "You, take that one!"

"I've never actually ridden a bicycle" Sirius confessed.

"Don't tell me I have to teach you, you baby!"  
"Don't call me a baby. When was I supposed to have learned? It's a muggle thing, innit?"

"Television is a muggle thing. The wheel is a muggle thing. Oh, just hop on behind me"

Sirius saddled the carrier. "You can pretend I'm a girl if you want"

"Oh I intend to"

And so they cycled the rest of the way until the trail of crumbs came to an end at a gate in the very posh neighbourhood of Hellgravia. There was no sight of the bus, but there were brown and wet wheel trails in the snow.

The boys hopped off the bike and James leaned it against the brick wall at the side of the gate that was supposed to keep filthy peasants from trespassing on the posh manor yard. And it wasn't just extremely posh, but spooky as well. Lightning kept striking the tallest tower although it was a clear sky.

"Some place" James remarked. "I bet vampires live here. Now, if you would be so kind and turn the gates to pudding"

But instead of turning the gates to pudding, Sirius tugged at a lever at the side that James hadn't seen in the dark, thereby making the gates open.

Dead and thorny trees where bats rested upside down lined the path to the front porch, branches squirming as if itching to eyes of gargoyles glowed on the dark, gothic house and they seemed to gnash in mawl lust. Whoever lived in this house did clearly not like visitors. Sirius stopped.

"I have a confession to make" he said.

"Ok, what?" James asked, silently wondering if perhaps he wasn't really bi after all but was now really the time for that type of discussion?

"I don't actually live in Luton"  
"Alright. Look. This yard is _so_ big they need another sign halfway there just so people know they're on the right track. _Manoir Potch._ Pfft! Go back to Switzerland!"  
"It's _poché"_

"Oh, it's posh alright. Ooo la la. You could put up a sign that said _'Turd du Merde'_ on a shed and that would be potch, too, So where do you live? Right here, I hope"  
"You do?"

"Yeah that would be extremely convenient right now"

"In that case, yeah, it is actually right here. So you see, I can't go in"  
"But we have to. Don't tell me you're too scared!"  
"We're all allowed one scare and you have two"

"Do not"

"Blood and snakes"  
"Those are healthy and normal. Why would they bring a yeti here anyway, is it for a coat?"

"Maybe it's because this place is so potch it even has its own little prison dungeon. It's a restored castle"

"Wow. I feel like I should bow to you or something"

"I feel that way, too"

"Hey is it true that all castle prisons have secret exits that were made in the event that the king was jailed? I read that somewhere"

"I don't know but I made one"

"Great then you can distract the people while I find Bubbles!"

The silhouette of a witch stood at the front door. She couldn't be seen very well but her voice was loud and clear.

"Hey!" she demanded. "Who's out there?"

Sirius shoved James behind a tree and treaded the stairs with the careful steps of a first time guest.

"Hello..."

"What in the world are you doing here?"

"I was expelled"  
"What? What for?" She was a little too shocked for somebody who fostered wickedness according to books.

"IIIII... made somebody pregnant"

"Hhhow... could you be so irresponsible?"

"And it's Denebola Crool, you know, from across the street?"

"Of course I know. Didn't you used to pull her hair and throw sand in her face?"

"That's the sort of things boys do when they like someone"  
"And stuff maggots in her knickers drawer, poison her bath salt and dismember her parakeets and send the bits in the mail in exchange for Mrs. Crool's earring collection?"

"For your birthday, remember that?"

"And now you tell me you've knocked her up? Don't tell me you love her or something"

"Of course not. I don't think I am capable of that emotion. I couldn't care less if she was hit by a plane, I just want to own Crool Ltd. I want us to own all the media, even the leftwing commie media"

"Now, now. We need the leftwing commie media to create the illusion of free press"

"But if the mainstream media can publish lies, think of the lies the socialist hippie media can publish!"

"Oh, I'm glad you were expelled. Hogwarts is a terrible school and Denebola is a little whore. Come inside and tomorrow we'll see if they have place at Baguette Magique"

The door hit the frame and James came out from the tree. He snuck around the house until he came to a frosty herb garden, and figured that the door had to lead to the kitchen. The light was on, he could see it glow behind curtains. He wished Shishi was here and searching his coat he found his slimy little arm.

"Shishi come here!" he whispered. "I summon you, Shishi..."

Wisps of smoke arising from the ground formed a green cloud out of which Shishi popped, still in the scarf Sirius had draped him in.

"Ok Shishi listen" said James. "I'm going to knock on that door. When they open you must expose them to your gas, got that?"

He wished Shishi would nod or something, but Shishi just grinned.

"Alright then. Here goes"

James knocked on the door and stepped aside. The muffled voices quieted. The minute the door opened Shishi opened wide, breathing large and thick toxic clouds that made the dark wizards drop like bowling pins. James pulled his hood over his head and his scarf over his mouth and nose, counted to three and ran through the gas, not seeing or breathing anything, and tripped over a chair.

He could feel a wet and slimy little hand seizing his and leading him out of the warm kitchen and to a much cooler location and when he opened his eyes he saw that he was in the dining room.

"Nice work" he said. "Just keep doing that everytime- hey where are you going? Don't go!"

Shishi had disappeared with a crack.

"Shishi come back here!"

Shishi reappeared with a crack.

"You have to stay until our mission is finished! No. Stay!"

Shishi had disappeared with a crack.

"That's a bad kappa! Come back! Come back now!"

But Shishi would not reappear. James's mirror vibrated and he put it to his ear.

"Bambi copies how's it going do you copy over"  
" _Where are you?"_

"The dining room"

" _Ok. You can reach the cell from my room"_

"Cool I hope you had time to hide your embarassing poetry"  
" _We don't all write embarassing poetry. I would gladly show you my poetry"_

"So how do I get there?"

" _Go through the door by the vitrine"_

"The what?"

" _The_ vitrine! _The glass cabinet, you dumb racist"_

"So say glass cabinet. I didn't bring my phrase book"

 _"Go through the wall flap by the see-through cupboard with the transparent cklink-clanks. Are you doing it? Have you done it?"_

The door led to a stairwell, and the stairs led to the second floor where conceited ancestors in powdered wigs lined the walls.

" _Just go straight ahead to the door at the far end. The poetry is in the left drawer"_

The snooty ancestors put up their noses when James mudded down the floor would have loved to stay and quarrel but he also wanted to see the poetry.

The furniture in Sirius's room was so antique looking that James expected transphobic ghouls to pop at him and scare him with their transphobic crimes of fashion. He hoped they would, so he could accuse them of being transphobic, because it was the word of the year. Had it not been for the band posters it would have felt like setting foot in a 300- year old hotel room.

" _Now pull the mouse on the scratch post"  
_ "Which one?"

 _"The white one"_  
"I meant which scratch post"

 _"The one with the mice"_

Six mice hung from the tallest scratch post and James pulled the white one as told. A Queen poster rolled up like a window shade and a window to a secret pathway appeared in its place. James climbed over it, not seeing the chute in the dark until he had already tumbled all the way down to the cell and into Bubbles.

"Bubbles!" he exclaimed but Bubbles wasn't very happy to see him, agitated from today's mistreatment as he was. Now think, how was he to win back his trust without icicles? Bubbles was bound but could probably break free if he became angry enough. Patches of bare skin showed here and there while enormous chunks of fur covered the floor. There was so much fur it got everywhere, allover James's clothes and even in his lungs. He tried so hard not to cough but could not hold back.

Bubbles stopped growling. When the cough finally settled James dared to pick up the chains and lead him to the hole in the wall. He was big, but just thin enough to fit.

With little time and no treats James had to get handsy. He tried to lift Bubble's legs over the frame, trying to remain calm although he could hear people nearing and voices talking loud and fast. There was no way they'd get out in time, he would had to stay and fight them off.

"What's going on here?" asked one of five wizards and were already assuming attack position when Shishi reappeared at last, breathing gas at the lot of them so acrid they coughed as if their lungs were coming up until they fell. Then the wonderful little river imp jumped through the glassless window in the wall, and because of that Bubbles did the same. After revisiting the chute, the stairs, the dining room and finally the herb garden outside the kitchen, James led Bubbles through the yard, past the gates and onto the road, accompanied by Shishi and trying to get hold of Sirius, who appeared to be busy at the moment. But they couldn't wait for him, and he didn't need it.

James stopped to look up and down the road, saw a truck, told Bubbles to get down and put up a thumb. "Where are you going?" asked the intoxicated driver when he had pulled up and rolled down the window.

"East Hogsmead"

"Alright, you and your dog can hop in the back"

James ushered Bubbles in the back and hopped in beside him. The truck rolled off and somewhere inside the mansion a large bell rang in the new morning.


	19. Chapter 19

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 19 FRIDAY

Running after a yeti all night had been draining, but not as draining as having to sort professor McGonagall's invoices from the early morning to breakfast. The Gryffindor house points were down at 0 again, so at least that was good.

When James and Sirius woke up with toast stuck to their cheeks lunch was already over.

"You missed the rehearsal yetserday" said Roy, in passing. "I had to do your part"  
"I know I was there" Sirius rebuffed. "Except I wasn't"

"Hey if you can't perform tonight-"

"I will just bugger off will you?"

"Alright. See you later"  
When Roy was gone Sirius sat up. "I want to change the date of the play"

"Ask maybe it's ok" said James.

Then the two backed their chairs and dragged their weary feet to the hospital wing with unspoken dread.

Madam Pomfrey was always so busy with influenza patients this season and the boys tried not to inhale their airborn germs on their way to that special little room. In there they were met with the most brutal sight. The cast arm and bandaged ribcage, swellings, bruises and compresses allover, it was like witnessing the results of a terrible car accident.

There was even an EKG beeping beside bed, out of rhytm with the dripping IV and blood transfusion, probably because Remus was so still it was difficult to tell if he was alive or not.

"Hello" said Sirius, occupying one side of the bed while James occupied the other. "How are you holding up?"

"Oh, you know..." replied Remus after some time very, very weakly. "Same old, same old"

"What happened to your arm?" James asked because they had never seen him with a cast arm before.

"It came off" His lips curved into a faint smile for a second.

Seeing him like this was just the worst thing in the world, there really was no guilt trip like it.

"We're so sorry we didn't make it-" said Sirius but was cut off.

"No"

"Yes"

"You're not supposed to"

"But we want to. But we had to make sure Bubbles had what he needed at the rink and then professor McGonagall wouldn't let us leave"

"What?"

"She just gave us instant detention and made us sort invoices all night"

"Is Bubbles at the rink?"

"Yeah. We'd take all the credit except we couldn't have done it without Shishi because we suck as wizards"

"So Bubbles is at the rink right now?"

" _Yes!_ Do you need proof?" Sirius rolled out the map. "See? There's the rink, and there's Bub"

Remus heaved a sigh of relief. "That makes me so happy"

Madam Pomfrey and her humongous syringe interrupted the visit.

"Alright then time for your healing shot" she said, gave it a test squirt and stuck it in the PVC after fiddling with the corks.

"I for one think that professor McGonagall could show more sensitivity" she said whilst pressing the plunger through the barrel at a slow but steady pace. "She could at least move the suspension until after Christmas"

When she was done she dropped the syringe in a disposal bucket, gave the drip chamber a few taps and said she'd be back in an hour.

"Who's been suspended?" James asked.

"I'm suspended for three months, starting Monday" said Remus, as casually as if they were discussing weather conditions.

"Why?"

"For keeping pets that are against the rules"  
"But we unleashed it we should be suspended"

"That wasn't the crime"

"But it should be the crime. It just isn't right that you are suspended before we are"

"This is what you risk when you break rules"

"Rules aren't fair" said Sirius. "We'll think of something and get you un-suspended in no time"

"Please don't" Remus croaked.

"Try and stop me"

"I deserve this how else will I learn?"

"You're never going to learn. You'd have to cave in for a flawed system and nobody wants that"

" _You_ don't want that"

"That's right. And everybody else is a nobody. We got you suspended, it's only fair and that's that"

Class had started ten minutes ago already but that didn't matter.

"On another note, when do you think you will be out of here?"

"I don't know. Tomorrow, or Sunday, depending..."

"I'm going to see if I can get the play postponed. I wouldn't want you to miss it"

"I wouldn't want to miss it"

When Remus peered back at Sirius behind heavy eyelids with no ounce of suspicion and only sincerity, Sirius thought that he probably better had to call off the cone and fake diploma. It wasn't a huge sacrifice, since the changed details hadn't been his idea anyway.


	20. Chapter 20

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 20 SATURDAY

Excitement was high for the school production of A Christmas Carol at two o'clock. The cast and crew were stressing out in the dressing room, getting ready. Some of them, anyway.

Sirius sat on a stool before the mirror, trying out a night-beanie that was part of his costume when he had some well-wishing visitors. He spun around and pushed the beanie further back, so it nearly fell off.

"What do you think?"

"It doesn't give me a victorian vibe" James replied.

"It was really cold back then, they needed to keep their heads warm"

"Is that why you're in a plaid top and silk tights with buttons allover?"

"It's called 'creativity', alright?"

He spun back to the mirror, took off the beanie and put on a powdered wigs with ringlets on the sides.

"You will turn anything into an excuse to dress up as an 18th century French queen, won't you?" James asked.

"When life doesn't give you opportunities, you _take_ opportunities"

"Inspiring words from one priviliged western boy to another" said Mac who was here to visit Cas good luck.

"Oh my God Mac!" said Cas. "Don't be such a radfem no wonder people hate feminists!"

Cas recieved a round of applause for her brilliant impression of an idiot and bowed humbly.

"Anyway good luck" said Remus, up and whole-looking thanks to the miracles of level 12 healing potions but could be better still. "I think I'll go and find a chair"

"Your robe is broken" Sirius remarked upon notcing that a sleeve was coming off at the seam and not as a fashion statement either. It had been fine a minute ago, or at least he hadn't noticed anything else.

It was almost time for the lights to go out and all the visitors left the dressing room. The cast and crew still thought they had time for just one last smoking break if they were quick.

"Are you coming?" Cas asked, already lighting her cigarette, when a spool of thread rolled across the floor and stopped at Sirius's feet. Looking down the hall outside the dressing room he could see Raz and his more attractive minions kicking around various sewing tools and Raz was wearing the thimble-ring. They laughed and none of them noticed Sirius coming until he was already bashing Raz's head against the wall until he'd take the ring off.

"Thank you" he said and slid it over his finger while Raz dropped to the floor, dizzy.

"Two minutes come on!" said Cas who had come to take him back to the dressing room. "I so can't wait for the final!"  
"Oh right, I forgot" said Sirius. "Let's not do the final thing after all"

"Why not?"

"It's wrong"

"You just beat up Raz and suddenly it's wrong?"

"I'm complex, ok? Raz is a dickhead, Lores is just irritating"

"But we all want to. Are we supposed to call it all off because _you_ say it's wrong, because of your male authority? What about my revenge?"

Damn Mac and her radfem ways.

"Can't you have it without me? We'll still play Lady Bump, won't we?"

This sudden protest caused a mild upproar in the dressing room but there really was no time for a democratic voting because the curtains were already going up.

The seats were full now and the curtains would part at any moment. James was fondling the ring that Sirius had just very quickly dropped off along with some sewing things, intrigued by its reputed ability and symbols.

"So it takes your magic and throws it back at you. Interesting" he summarized accurately.

Remus was strengthening all the seams on his robes now, not worrying too much about how it looked, because he thought that it was prioritizing a quirky design that had caused the quality to suffer and had vowed to not wear anything so provoking ever again.

"Do you see the rune?" he asked. "You see it on all necromancy objects. What happened back there is a very common side effect"

"But why a thimble? Seems like... granny necromancy to me"

"Does it? Weaving is a very common motif in mythology worldwide, I mean history worldwide. Just take the Fates, and all the versions of them"

"But _they_ didn't have a thimble"

" _You_ don't know that"

"And _they_ were grannies"

"You say that now, but before you know it, you too will be skipping ropes"

He attached the thread and bit off the excess.

"Hey" said Fletcher, sitting in the row behind them and putting his head between theirs. "Hey what's this about you being expelled?"

"He's suspended" said James. "For three months"

"Why?"

"Because Sirius and I unleashed a yeti"

Fletcher nearly fell off his chair. "There's a ye-ye-yeti on the lose?!"

"Not anymore"

"I don't understand, if you unleashed a yeti, why aren't you suspended?"

"Because the rules aren't very fair"

"It was my yeti" said Remus.

"Oh, right" said Fletcher. "Well, I still just can't believe it. I shiver at the thought of how my mum would react if it was me, but I think auntie is more even tempered and would take it better, especially if it wasn't _really_ your fault, and how could it be?"

"Listen... She doesn't need to know, ok? This is just between you and me"

"Oh. _Right!"_ Fletcher winked lazily. "Don't you worry, I won't say a thing. And I'll find some way to un-suspend you!"

Somehow Remus didn't object as much to that, perhaps because Fletcher operated by more peaceful methods and with more discretion. A papercup hit him in the back of the head. A few people laughed.

"Who threw that?" Remus asked.

"It must have been Crow. That's my bully. He makes me feel so special"

"Oh. I'm glad"

"Especially because I know he just has it in for me because I refused to find him this ancient and dark artifact. Ha! All the other houses say they have their finders but, well... Keep telling yourselves that"

"That's weird, to just come to you and ask you to find a dark artifact" said James.

"No it isn't I'm very good"

"And greedy"

"It's not a task exclusive to him. I've had six requests this week alone to find it. I tell you, it's like there is a competition to find it, or something, and they all know that I am their quickest ticket to whatever the reward is"

The light dimmed, shushes were passed on from the front row to the back like a wave and instrumental music began. The curtains parted and the show was on. Being based on several adaptations and spoofs it wasn't very true to the book, according to bookworms anyway, the only ones who really cared.

After 45 minutes it was time for a break. After sitting for 45 minutes in a crowded room just accumulating body warmth it felt great to be outside and get a kick of fresh air. Even so barely a minute passed before Remus wanted to go and sit down again, for although some potions did a great job healing the surface, no potion could completely heal cuts to the bone in a single night.

Whe he was back inside he was immediately shoved inside a bathroom by Raz and his attractive posse. "Oi give me the ring!" said Raz while his posse clapped their fists in their hands menacingly.

"Alright" said Remus, turning away and hoped to sneak inside a stall when he was circled. It was Sid Crow who stood between him and the door he wanted to take off the hinges and ram over his head, and then twist the head, tare it off and shove it up his backside and then braid his entrails... But his fantasies were getting carried away. But instead of doing all that he opened his palms and let a rainbow of gumballs shower over Crow's face, who propelled with his arms as he blindly stepped out of sugary nuisance's way. Behind them Raz and the remains of his posse were too slow in pronouncing their advanced dark incantations, not even making it through half of the syllables when the growing puddle of gum balls rolled under their feet and had them skating into towel holders and sinks.

The nearest stall was but two steps away and by the time Raz and his gang had regained control of their balance Remus had already flushed down the ring and while they barged in to stare down at the whirling water he thought he'd go and catch the second act.

"There you are" said James upon seeing him appear in the hall.

"We thought you had to lie down or something" said Sirius.

Then Raz appeared as well and he rammed Remus into the wall.

"You're not as clever as you think!" he snarled.

"Come on, Raz" said Juice. "Let's go look for it now"  
Raz let go but now professor McGonagall and professor Sprout were heading their way, telling everybody to get back in for the second act.

"I don't care _how_ much you hate musicals everybody has to see the whole thing!" said professor McGonagall, stopping every attempt at getting home early.

The seats filled up and the second act with its crudely paraphrased dialogue was spoken over some upbeat music.

" _Now that I have changed to be a more generous person I want to give to everybody!"_ said Sirius, who was Scrooge, on stage and threw some coins all around. " _Hey you there, random person in the street, where does Mr. Cratchit live?"_

At least they had dropped that tedious overly long gag of calling him Mr. Crapshit, or forgotten about it.

" _Why, just behind that door there!"_ replied Cas, who doubled as Isabelle the Ghost of Christmas Past and Random Street Person.

The door was simply that, a door without a wall, meant to symbolize an entire home. Sirius knocked on it, holding in his hand a rubber chicken. Roy, who doubled as Jacob Marley and Mr. Cratchit, opened.

" _Oh. You"_ He said, grinning.

" _Mr. Cratchit, I'm sorry I've been such a tit. Here, take this seitan turkey!"_ Sirius gave Roy the rubber chicken. The more religious students gasped, appalled, at the vegetarian propaganda.

" _Why, how very generous!"_ said Roy.

" _Where is Tiny Tim! I want to spend all day with him! No pervert"_

" _Oh. Right..."_ Roy stepped through the door, glancing afar.

" _Oh no. Was I too late?"_

 _"The thing is, Mr. Scrooge, that we're_ all _Tiny Tim! Tiny Tim is in all of us!"_

Fans of the books could not contain their rage. Professor McGonagall had to tell them to _sit down!_  
" _Do you see?"_ said Roy. " _Tiny Tim is that little child in_ you! _It's anybody you choose it to be!"_

The metaphor was very strange and hard to follow. The cast stood and stared out solemnly for a moment until Roy cracked.

" _I'm joking! Tiny Tim is out there!"_ He pointed at the audience. " _Wherever you find his little crutch, you will find Tiny Tim! I expect it's under a chair, since he only puts it down when he has to sit!"_

Then to clarify the cast all took part in encouraging the audience to look under their chairs.

"Why, Mr. Vicious!" said professor Slughorn. "I believe I see a little crutch under _your_ chair!"

James noticed up on stage that a quiet argument had broken out between Sirius and Cas that didn't seem to have been scripted. Meanwhile applause broke out and Raz was very much encouraged and pushed to get up there although it was against his will and he looked extremely nonchalant passing the rows of chairs and going up the stairs. Up there the cast performed _For He's a Jolly Good Fellow,_ shook hands with him, all while Raz looked bored and called it lame.

" _Oh, Tiny Tim!"_ said Sirius and put his arm around Raz. " _I have to attend my nephew's christmas feast and I want you with me! But you can't go like that!"_

It turned out that the door on stage did in fact contain a room separate from the great hall for when the two went inside they could not be seen anywhere. The remaining cast just grinned assuringly and when they came out again Raz looked utterly traumatized while the cast did the bus stop to _Lady Bump_ around him, causing such outrage the fire alarm went off.


	21. Chapter 21

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 21 SUNDAY

After a quick visit to Bubbles at the roller rink, a visit made possible by the flexible Sunday schedule or lack thereof, it was time for Remus to pack up and take his possessions to Hagrid's hut.

It was obvious that the hut had been tidied up recently in haste. Surfaces were clear but shelves were bursting. It was a fine deduction worthy of Miss. Marble.

"It's not much" said Hagrid bashfully and awaited compliments.

"No it's great thanks a lot for having me" said Remus, feeling rather bashful himself.

"Not at all I have dreamt about this!"  
That was a pretty weird thing to say.

"... Really?"

"Not exactly, but it's a compromise. I wouldn't be this excited for anybody, but you're different"

"Yeah... Hear me roar, and so forth..."

"Ok!"

Hagrid looked close to bursting from anticipation. Was it too late to sort things out with that long lost granny with the gingerbread house?

"Do you need me to help out with something?" Remus asked, itching to occupy himself with _anything_ and longing to search the cleaning cabinet.

"Hey not so fast!" said Hagrid. "You just got here. Let's sit down for a moment"

They pulled up chairs at the kitchen table and sat down.

"When Dumbledore approached me about this I said to him _say_ no _more!"_ said Hagrid. "One month with me and he will think twice before he even _looks_ at a minotaur! You see, I, too, was a collector back in the day. It all ended very, very badly"

"What happened?"

"A girl died"  
"Of what?"

"She was eaten by a spider"

"I'm so sorry. I guess her body was never found, then"

"No, her stone dead body was found very near a basilisk nest"  
"Still, the spider stomach juices would have showed up in the lab tests"

"I'm sure it would have, if they had performed an autopsy. But what happened was that this snooty pretty boy accused my spider and then I was out for good. At least that's how I remember everything"

"I think I know this girl. Isn't she a pervert ghost now?"

"Is she? I wouldn't know. But she was very lustful"

"It explains why they wouldn't perform an autopsy on her body, since they could just ask her what happened"

"Yeah that makes sense. But the moral I want to pass on to you is don't collect high risk pets if you want to stay at Hogwarts and keep your wand. My wand was taken from me and now I must live like a squib. It's so undignifying, you know? Accio tea!"

A teapot whistled on the stove and Hagrid summoned it, as well as a tea tray, using his pretty umbrella.

"The problem is that collectors like us think we have more control than we do. We may be able to look after our pets, but we can't look after malicious peers who just want to sabotage for us, because we're different... But enough of that! Let's finish our tea and then go look for a Christmas tree!"

And so that's what they did. Afterwards, when they were wiring their scarves around their necks and pulling wooly hats over their heads, Hagrid saw the bubble staff leaning against the brown sofa.

"What an unusual cane!" he remarked. "That looks like it came straight out of Sinterklaas' workshop"

"Who's Sinterklaas?" Remus asked.

"Sinterklaas was a dutch wizard who would travel around the world on Christmas Eve, filling stockings with his unusual creations. Or coal, if the child in question was naughty. He had his factory in the North Pole and would create the most unusual things, until he just disappeared"

They stepped out of the hut and into the cold, where Hagrid continued recounting what he knew.

"He's been dead for a really long time, now. Fell off his sleigh and was pierced by an iceberg, or so the story goes"

There was something about his tone that suggested there was more. Hagrid took his axe from his wood chopping tree stump and carried it over his shoulder.

"You know, when one is BFF with the headmaster one hears things"

Remus had always thought that professor McGonagall was BFF with the headmaster, but said nothing of it, because he was interested in just what sort of things one heard when one was BFF with the headmaster.

"Apaprently some oracles speak of Sinterklaas's return. Turns out his body was never found and some interpret that as him never dying at all. Yes, drama queens sure love to fake their death. The press was giving him a bad rep at the time and some people think that he faked his death just so people would remember him for the good things he did"

"What good things?"

"I don't know I can't remember. Later this week I'll have to go to the bank to take something from Dumbledore's account, and I don't think it's acid pops this time. Whenever I have to take something from his account it always means it's really important. As everybody knows, Hogwarts is the safest place in the world, much safer that Dumbledore's bank account"

"Do people steal from his bank account a lot?"

"No that's never happened it's impossible to break into Gringotts, innit? Ok, this looks like a good place!"

They were inside the forest now where pine trees grew all around and where blackbirds and bullfinches added a splash of colour and contrast to all the white. After a quick inspection they found a tree just the right size and Hagrid spoke very warmly of past pets of his while chopping it down but said nothing more of Sinterklaas or Dumbledore's bank account.


	22. Chapter 22

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 22 MONDAY

Hogwarts was so empty and quiet now since it had been deserted for the holidays. Sirius hadn't particularly felt like going home and James didn't want to miss out on any yeti related excitement either although he hadn't completely ruled out a quick visit to the parents on Christmas Day, provided the yeti related excitement would be over by then. Peter had left yesterday, and so had Fletcher and pretty much everybody outside their tight knit clique that they were on friendly terms with.

After spending the afternoon looking in the Hogwarts Book of Rules, hoping to stumble upon a loop hole with the sort of finder's luck they weren't blessed with, James and Sirius thought they were well worth a brisk walk in the fresh air. Besides, it was the holiday, a visit was never inappropriate at this time of year but most importantly, they really needed to do something about Bubbles.

Arriving at the doorstep to the hut they could hear professor Dumbledore's upbeat voice and they let themselves in and unwired their scarfs.

"Marvellous! Just marvellous!" said Dumbledore, praising the bubble staff. "Does it do anything?"

He pointed it at the hat rack and transformed it into bubblegum to everybody's surprise.

"This really puts Bubbles Galore to shame" he said. "The only catch I can think of is that it will turn sticky in rain, isn't that right?"

Remus was too overwhelmed and embarassed to speak so Hagrid used this silence as an opportunity to show professor Dumbledore his umbrella.

"That's why umbrellas are great!" he said. "They don't become sticky in rain! I mean, if I were to mesh a wand with an object I would probably choose an umbrella, except I would never do such a thing"

But professor Dumbledore was too distracted by trying out the bubble staff's bubble shooting power.

"Sinterklaas would be so impressed. This is just the sort of thing he used to make. Oh, good afternoon there, chaps! I was just leaving"

Professor Dumbledore put down the staff and pulled his long coat over him.

"Don't leave on our account" said James.

"No, no. I've been here longer than I said I would already"

A gust of snow tainted wind chilled down the hut when professor Dumbledore let himself out.

"I'll put on another kettle" said Hagrid. Remus put away the bubble staff and sat down to embroider unique snow flakes on a patchwork tailcoat.

"Is something burning?" Sirius asked.

"Ok tea's ready!" said Hagird, placed it on the coffee table and told everybody to help themselves while he cleaned out his fireplace. James and Sirius sat down.

"Let's just go to the North Pole today" said Sirius.

"But I'm suspended" said Remus, uncertain.

"And we're on holiday so why wait? Wasn't it the plan?"

"I know, but it just feels rude to just take off now. Being suspended I don't actually have a holiday. I think I'll just alert some organisation"

"Alright. You do what you think is best"  
"I guess this means you really have learned your lesson" said James.

"I sure have" said Remus. "Knowing what happened in the past, now I fully understand why it is so important to follow the rules"  
"Why what happened in the past?"

"A girl was eaten by a giant spider"

"Oh. I guess her body was never found then"

"No it was found and even if they hadn't she's still a peeping ghost in the prefect bath"

"Well that's good ghosts are really helpful when it comes to solving crimes"

"She wasn't questioned but the aurors were very sure she was passed on as a giant stone"

So that was that. It was a littled disappointing but probably for the best.

"It looks like you're almost done now" said Sirius, referring to the tailcoat. "But no rush, because you have until the 23d and they're paying by the hour"

"You said classy, and what's classier than a tailcoat I thought"

"I'm sure you did"

"How does the person who asked for it want it delivered anyway?" James asked. "Do you have an adress?"

"No" said Sirius. "There are a bunch of owls in the owl tower just waiting to pick it up"

When Hagrid was finished digging out the ashes he came and sat with them for a while and had his tea. After an hour of listening to anecdotes about his adventures in Dumbledore's vault Sirius began to suffer nicotine withddrawal as well as long for a nice and hot bath and so he and James got up to leave. When they were at the door Hagrid said that they were welcome to spend christmas eve in the hut if they wanted to, and they accepted the invite because they had nothing excited planned for that day anyway.

The prefect bath was just nice. That was enough reason to ever go there. It was just extremely nice. Like an oasis of peace in the hustle and bustle, a tiled paradise amidst the everyday chaos, full of faucets that poured all sorts of soaps and bubbles, even milk and champagne. Next to this, having to put up with a peeping pervert ghost was a small price to pay for any chap that wasn't too bothered by that sort of thing.

Although it was considered a single bath, it was so large like a swimming pool that it wasn't unusual and certainly not gay for groups to bathe at the same time, often in swimming trunks of course but not necessarily, that depended on their level of prudeness.

"Goat I love this place" said Sirius, sinking in the bath blissfully.

"It's like they put something in the bubbles I don't need to know what all I ask is that they keep doing it" said James, also sinking in the bath blissfully.

They were on opposite ends and didn't really hear each other very well over the running faucets but the acoustics was good enough to transport their voices, and whatever they didn't hear their mental synchronisation (which could have but one explanation) filled in for them.

It was all very enjoyable. It was always very enjoyable, until the ghost of Myrtle Bucket showed up and made it just a little less enjoyable by distracting them from the enjoyable.

"Hello boys" said Myrtle lustfully.

"Blublublublublub" said Sirius, sinking more and more under the water until he got water in his nose and had to straighten up.

"It's Myrtle" Myrtle corrected him.

"Yes. And patchouli, and definitely some minth as well"

Myrtle just hovered by his side, above water level and trying to see below the water level, and no so discretely either. Sirius put his mouth around the champagne faucet and opened it.

How was something this wonderful allowed in such a horrible and unjust place? It wasn't important, all that mattered was that it was in this little glorious haven.

"It's real champagne" he said and would certainly drown if he was any happier.

"Hey you!" James called after Muriel, something he had to do several times to get her attention.

"I'm busy!" Myrtle snapped and kept sighing over Sirius.

"But I want to know about your death and stuff!" James yelled and suddenly Muriel was very interested for ghosts loved to talk about their death.

"You have really beady eyes can't you just put your specs back on?" Myrtle asked.

"What was it like, being eaten by a spider?" James asked, knocking the specs in the water trying to locate them. "Damn!"

"I wasn't eaten by a spider" said Myrtle. "Where did you get that idea?"

"It's the story I've been told. So what happened then?"

"Well, I was just walking around when I heard something behind me. So naturally, I turned around and I was literally petrified!"

"Were you literally petrified?"

"I was literally petrified! A giant bird came towards me and pecked me to death! I dropped my snakes I was so petrified!"

"You dropped your snakes?"

"Is there an echo in here?"

 _Is there an echo in here? Is there an echo in here? Is there and echo in here?_

The echo didn't even sound like Myrtle, although it tried to.

"Yes, I dropped my snakes" Myrtle continued when the echo subsided. "I had snakes and I dropped them because this giant red bird just took me by surprise!"

"A giant red bird you mean like a phoenix?"

"Exactly. I was down in the sewers and just happened upon a snakepit and I thought that professor Nigelle would really like them. Oh, he was _so_ dishy... He was only made headmaster because nobody could think straight during his classes"

Myrtle needed a moment to daydream.

"I used to haunt his bath after my death. But our love wasn't met with very much understanding, him being married and me being a forever underaged ghost... It's like being a vampire, except I can't touch anything. It's always worst at Christmas. At least I have Sinterklaas to look forward too!"

Myrtle soared to the ceiling and did a few loops.

"I thought he died fifty years ago or something" said James.

"Word among the dead is that he is going to return. Oh, I'm so excited!"  
A few more loops and Myrtle Bucket was gone from the bath. James tried to feel his glasses with his feet, but everytime he did he just kicked them away. Sirius was of no help because he was on the other side trying to get drunk on champagne. James waded out a bit and could feel the glasses under one foot when they arose on their own from the bottom of the bath and placed themselves over his nose bridge.

"Don't mention it" said Peeverton, the poltergeist with the parted hair and bow tie when his whole semi-transparent being had seeped out from the glass.

"Thanks, Peeves"

"It's _Paul!"_

"Thanks, Paul

"It's _Jeffrey!"_

"Hey Paul, did you go to school with Myrtle?"

"You think all ghosts went to school together you beastist?"

"Well did you?"

"Yes"

"Were you pecked to death by a phoenix too?"

"No. Me, I died in a terrible Hide And Seek accident. I went a little far when I thought I'd hide in an ancient clock at the Hogsmead Auction House. Somehow I got stuck in all the wheels and died when they went out of control. Hide and seek is a dangerous sport. But I used to see a phoenix lot when I would hide down in the sewers. People dump all sorts of snakes there, and it's just common knowledge that phoenixes eat snakes. But after Myrtle's death I never saw it again. Just telling you all this because I know what you're trying to do. Myrtle isn't the only pervert spy around these parts"

"Are you helping?"

Paul merged with the water, transformed the entire bath into a stormy ocean, flooding the entire room with massive waves. Then the chaos died down and he was gone and James and Sirius had been washed up on the tile floor, coughing water from their lungs. This was the thanks they got for releasing him in the Slytherin dungeons, ungrateful prick.

Sirius crawled to the map that had been washed under a chair and squeezed out the excess water before hanging it to dry.

"Look at that" he said. "That's Dumbledore's boyfriend circling his room again. I hate those types"

"Boyfriends?" James asked.

"Single-name types, like Cher! _Shut up!"_

"I wasn't saying anything-"

"You're boots, you hear?!"

Sirius put a towel around him and ran out of the bath screaming at the walls. James just couldn't figure out just what they could possible be saying that was so insulting.


	23. Chapter 23

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 23 TUESDAY

Well damn, James thought the morning that followed Sirius's stormy departure from the prefect bath after professor McGonagall had delivered him the disturbing news.

 _My best friend is a stone and my other friend is suspended, now who will I have a good time with, and who will stimulate me intellectually,_ he wondered.

"What just what could have done it?" Peter asked. He lived in Hogsmead so he could visit easily.

"Gorgons" said James, as sure as he had ever been. "Gorgons in the sewers. It's the only explanation"

And how he hated those guys, he didn't care if it made him beastist.

He had to talk somebody, somebody intelligent. Peter followed him to the hut where they knocked on the door. A scraper squeaked against the window where water mixed with detergent dripped and formed soapy trails. They knocked again. James knew Hagrid was out on that mysterious bank errand today but he could tell from the dripping window that Remus was not out on a collecting spree. Eventually he let him insde the fresh hut that was fragrant like a summer's meadow and so clean you could take a bath in it. James deduced that the tailcoat was finished.

"Listen I have some very upsetting news" he said after some quick greeting phrases. "I think you better sit down"

Remus lowered the scraper slowly, panic already taking hold and spreading.

"Somebody died and was reanimated" he said. "Then the soul went to hell and was brought back and then it became addicted to demon blood and now it's in some secret basement where lots of perverts have their way with the body for their twisted demon summoning rituals!"

"Even worse! Padfoot has been literally petrified!"

"Literally petrified?"

"Literally petrified! He is a very beautiful block of marble now"  
"Oh dear! How beautiful?"

"Extremely. Anyway, if you know what lurks in the sewers I am prepared to forgive you"

"Forgive me for what?"

"For putting it there. Indirectly"

"I'd never collect anything that could petrify. That would be really inconvenient, having to walk backwards with a concave shield everytime I had to feed it chipotle"

A thought crossed James's mind.  
"Hey...Do you think it was that spider, that eats people and passes them as stones?"

"Myrtle Bucket was very sure she saw a basilisk down there, before she was pecked to death by a red bird that is. And they _had_ had chipotle for lunch that day"

"Then I better get chipotle as well as an epic sword to kill it with"  
"Oh! I know where there are weasels!"  
"How is that helpful?"

"Don't you know? Basilisks find weasels extremely annoying. They are capable of killing them"

" _Sure_ they are!" It was like he wasn't even trying anymore, James thought.

"I swear I am not making it up" Remus persisted nonetheless.

"Then why are you laughing?"

"I thought they were mints, ok?"

He needed a minute. Yes, James had confused acid pops for mints, too, so he could sympathise.

"I wouldn't make things up at a time like this" said Remus. "It's common knowledge, look it up"

"Even if that's true it's not very epic, is it?"

"I think it's pretty epic"  
There was no time to spare, or make a quick visit a long visit. James was going to kill whatever lurked down there, kill it now. He was going to snag a sword from the epic sword box in the dorm and send Peter to the mexican take-away. It was not going to get away with this.

James had the chipotle, the shield and the weasel and now he was just waiting for the monster to come out and play, come out and eat the chipotle from the plate on the floor.

He wondered if the monster would pick up the scent at all when he heard what was without a doubt the slimy slithering of a large serpent coming near and he focused on the floor, keeping both shield and weasel ready.

Hearing it stop to munch chipotle triggered gag reflexes and sent chills down his spines for he really couldn't stand animals without legs. _Add legs, add legs,_ he chanted to keep calm. He could see it in his peripheral vision, too, just feasting away and showing no interest in anything else. Now was a good time to be done with it, let lose the weasel and allow it to do its thing.

He turned the box upside down and let the weasel fall out. The little creature ran in the direction of the big monster boldly, made a sudden turn halfway and ran in the opposite direction and then it was seen no more. James just couldn't believe he had fallen for it! He had been tricked! _Again!_

Then a bird the length of his Ziggy Stardust and twice the speed flew over his head, flapping its big red wings, and it began to attack the terrible beast with its beak and claws, first pecking the eyes out and then the heart, which it swallowed hole before tearing out the tongue next.

"Wow a phoenix!" said Peter. "If I had a phoneix feather I would be so lucky!"

One of the tail feathers looked lose, like it had been damaged in the fight.

"If you take that feather I'm sure it won't notice" said James, not actually expecting Peter to do it. But he did. He sneaked up on the phoenix while it feasted, reached for the feather and pulled it out.

Apparently the feather hadn't been as lose as it had looked. The bird shrieked, puffed up and began to flap its wings at Peter, who covered his face to not have it pecked to pieces. The phoenix attacked his head and neck ruthlessly and would not have stopped anytime soon had professor McGonagall not arrived to stun it.

"Alright nothing to see here" she said instead of playing the blame game and pulled the bird away by the tail feathers. Because James couldn't understand why he wasn't being accused of anything or having points substracted, he decided to follow her, light on the tip of his summery converse like a petite punk rock ballerina.

Sneaking after Professor McGonagall led him, not very surprisngly, to Dumbledore's office, where he listened at the door.

" _What happened to Fawkes?"_ camed professor Dumbledore's shocked voice inside the room.

" _I had to stun him"_ replied professor McGonagall. " _Or he would have pecked Mr. Pettigrew to death"_

 _"What are you saying? Fawkes would never do such a thing!"_

 _"Well, somebody left chipotle on the floor and it attracted the basilisk"_

 _"Oh dear..."_

'Oh dear'? Had they known the whole time that there was a basilisk in the sewers and done absolutely nothing? How underpaid were they around here?

" _Is it dead at last?"_ professor Dumbledore asked.

" _This one is, and I sure hope it is the only one"_ professor McGonagall replied. " _Anyway you better look after your phonenix better from now on. We don't want to look like hypocrites"_

 _"You're so right, Minerva, especially after what_ you _did"_

" _I don't write the rules, I merely uphold them"_

Now was a good time to interrupt and James knocked.

"Yes what is it?" said professor McGonagall when she opened.

"Can I come in?" James asked.

"Now is not a very good time..."

"Then I'll just stay here and eavesdrop until it is a good time"

Professor McGonagall stepped aside and let him in. The phoenix sat in the large cage that usually stood empty and nibbled on ashes and charcoal.

"Oh..." said professor Dumbledore. "Hello"

"Will you have to be sacked now?" James asked.

Professor Dumbledore bowed his head. "I suppose it is only fair..."

"The pet rule only applies to students" professor McGonagall interjected. "Staff can actually get away with more and be sacked for less. It's not fair but it's how it is"

"I guess I understand" said James. "But when Sirius's dad finds out he was attacked by a basilisk he will sue you so very, very, very hard"  
Both of them exchanged sideway glances. Of course they knew that Sirius's dad was a coldhearted sociopath incapable of any warm emotions, but they were also all too aware that he was a very succesful attorney who loved money in great quantities and was always on the lookout to sue.

"Is that a threat?" professor McGonagall asked, her eyes narrowing.

"How is it a threat?"

"You threat to contact the parents?"

"You mean you won't?"

"Of course not. We'll be sued so very, very hard"

"Then I guess it is a threat"  
Professor McGonagall had no chance but to cave in now. All she had to do was cross out a name on a list and then Remus was suspended no more. This had been a very efficient day, for lore had it that if the creature responsible for your condition died it meant it was lifted off the victim, and today was a chance to see if that was true.

The bed that Sirius had occupied in the hospital wing only this morning had been tidied up and was ready for a new patient. Madam folded a blue blanket together.  
"Where is he?" James asked.

Madam Pomfrey faced him, looking serious. "I'm afraid... he's gone"  
"I can see that but where?"

She sighed. "This... this is the hardest part with the job..."  
"What is?"

"Remembering names of private hospitals. They've been popping up like blemishes ever since social welfare was banished. The Baron Samedi Necromantic Hospital in Hellgravia, I think it was. His parents asked that he was transferred there"

"Parents who told parents?"

"It wasn't me!"

Madam Pomfrey stormed into her office. The door came off when she slammed it. If Hogwarts was sued again there'd be no walls left. It would have to close down and James so didn't want to go to a stuffy French school and have slugs for lunch every day. When he, together with Remus and Peter, set off to find the nearest fireplace to take them to Diagon Alley, all he could think about was how he didn't want to have slusg for lunch every day.

The Baron Samedi Necromantic Hospital was a tall gothic castle behind high, pointy fences, looking more like a victorian asylum than a hospital, and it wasn't painted in silver, it _was_ silver, Remus had to dress up as a Death Eater to be able to stand it. It had been notoriously expensive to build, it was notoriously expensive to stay there and a nurse at the BSNH was paid more than the director of St Mungos.

It was said that any illness was cured here, that there was no condition that couldn't be lifted and that was _any._ But of course, the solution to all problem was dark arts, a very high price aside from the ordinary disgustingly high fee for admittance alone. Many came out, cured and well for sure but somehow not the same.

Aggressive rottweilers guarded the front yard, frothing at the mouth and being overall menacing. These dogs could reportedly tell if you had any muggle in you but clearly had difficulty telling muggle from fear for a pack of them chased Peter up a tree and refused to stop barking at him.

And inside the hospital the receptionist was reading Necromancy Today. A bigot chart was pinned to the wall behind her, which helped her decide how rude to be to a customer according to a scale. Because Remus was dressed as a Death Eater, she was very accomodating and led them to a lift that took them to the dungeon floor, showed them to the petrification ward and asked for an autograph.

"This place sure is eerie" said James when the woman had gone with the Dark Lord's autograph.

A pair of necromancers in viridian scrubs came around a corner.

"It's what I told you, Marfikent. Stonedead"

"What must we do, Doctor Venom?"

"We must open up the hell dimension, summon Beelzebub and sacrifice an orphan for his faithful services. nurse Ash has probably made the necessary preperations now. Come on"

James and Remus followed Doctor Venom and Marfikent to what looked more like a mortuary than an operating dungeon. A body was covered in a sheet at the center of the room. A woman in nurse scrubs, presumably nurse Ash, looked ready to pull it off on Doctor Venom's cue.

"We're ready now, nurse" said Doctor Venom, pulling on disposable unicorn skin gloves.

"Yes, doctor" said nurse Ash and seized the corners of the sheet. "Alright then, beautiful, it's time. Nobody is going to notice a thing"  
James could not believe what he was seeing, nor could he let the healers procede with their evil magic. He stunned both healers and the nurse in one flash and so wished more people had been around to see it. When the healers were knocked out he went to the stretcher.

"No..." he stammered. "We were too late. It can't be, it just can't. Oh why?"

He broke down and began to sob on a dead ribcage.

"Why what?" Sirius asked and peeked under the sheet.

James backed away, terrified. "An Erised Ghoul! _Spooky Sod! Spooky Sod!"_

Several buckets of sacfificial blood arose from shelves and poured themselves over Sirius, but because of the invisible forcefield that veiled his magical hair, the blood just ended up splashing over James. But he was no quitter.

"Eat fire, you demonic impostor! _Infernus Blastus!"_

But Sirius had cast his own fireball to defend himself and the two fire balls collided and created an explosion, forcing all the boys to take shelter under stretchers and wait for the fire sprinkler to put out the roaring flames. When it was safe to come out again Remus snuck up behind Sirius and pricked him in the arm with a needle.

" _Ow!_ The hell are you?" Sirius demanded and tore off the mask. Then he put it back. "Why do you two suddenly want to hurt me so badly? I though you were crazy in love with me"

"That was just to make sure you're not possessed or reanimated" Remus explained.

"Why would I be any of those things?"

"It's what this hospital specialises in"

"Now do you believe I'm neither or do you want to take my pulse?"

"I believe you now that's enough flirting" said James.

There was no drama to be had at the Baron Samedi Necromantic Hospital today and the boys left the building and tried to kill the boredom with a stroll around a festively decorated Diagon Alley, just feeling kind of disappointed that there was no yule adventure to be had.


	24. Chapter 24

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 24 WEDNESDAY

When James awoke on Christmas Eve sometime after lunch, tired from having spent all night at the rink just saying good bye to Bubbles before the wildlife rescue organisation came to take him away in the early morning, he was alone in the dorm. A quick map reading let him now that Remus was at the hut but Sirius was nowhere to be found. When the door opened he hoped it was him, but it was just Peter, and he was carrying a large golden trophy, looking very proud.

"Hey look I won Best Gingerbread Hotel!" he said, excited.

"Oh" said James, and glanced at the cover of today's Daily Prophet, that bore the photograph of what looked like a clown outhouse beneath the headline: _What the hell, judges?_ "I didn't know you were going to enter"

"I wasn't! But Padfoot just really wanted me to do it!"

"Really?"

"I wasn't very confident but he was really sure I could win!"  
"Really?"

"I probably wouldn't have won, had he not been so very encouraging and just believed in me!"  
" _Really?"_

Peter put down the heavy cup to rest whatever he had where most people had muscles.

"What's Hagrid's rolling pin doing here?" he asked, referring to a rolling pin between Sirius's napping cats. "Hagrid was very reluctant about lending it. If he finds it gone he will be so angry and eat me for sure!"

"Really?"

James took the rolling pin and began to slam it against the wall.

"What does it do? Is it powerful in some way?" Slam. One of the handles came off and James peeked inside but the rolling pin was empty.

"Hey is Hagrid's rolling pin here?" Remus asked, coming into the dorm. "Oh there it is. He really wants it back. That's from Dumbledore's bank account and needs to be hidden stat"

"Why is that?"

"Because it contains an enchantment to raise Sinterklaas from the dead from his mausoleum in the North Pole. According to horoscopes it will happen today"

"Hagrid told you all that?"

"Yes"

"So that's first Padfoot gone and then the enchantment. Did he just take off with the enchantment?"

Why would he do that? There had to be some other explanation. James turned to Peter.

"Has Padfoot been acting weird at all?"

"No he was super nice!" Peter replied.

"I mean besides that"

"He said he was going home today so that's probably where he is"

No way he had gone home. James didn't want to jump to the worst conclusion, but what if something had been done to him at the hospital that had prompted him to behave this way today? If only they could be sure before they went on a spontaneous North Pole trip. Perhaps if he was really clever he'd be able to to deduce his location just like Warlock Gnomes

"Why don't you just call him?" Remus asked, and just sounded unnecessarily judgmental.

"I thought they had really bad reception at the North Pole but I can give it a try"

James put his smart-glass to his ear. "Bambi to Lady"  
It took a whole minute before anybody answered and when Sirius finally did there was a lot of noise around him, airport noise.

" _Lady to Bambi"_

"Where are you?"

" _Erm on the Hogwarts Express"_

 _Flight 22 from Oslo is expected to arrive at gate 18 in ten minutes. We apologize for the delay, please enjoy some free coffee at any cafeteria at the North Pole City Airport. Thank you._

" _How did you like my impression of airpott staff talking through a speakerphone?"_

"Why would you just leave with the enchantment?"

" _Ok it was nice talking to you see you soon!"  
_ Then he hung up.

"I wondered why he wanted my North Pole tickets" said Peter.

"You gave him North Pole tickets?" James asked.

"I won a ticket and he said that giving it to him was the least I could do"

So the emergency helicopter was still at the rink. James had never flown a helicopter, but Sirius had rercorded his flying lessons at Glenshee so James could just use that to tutor himself. Flying a helicopter had to be really easy to learn and if Sirius could do it so quickly James would certainly learn it even quicker.

Two hours after packing James and Remus hopped out of the helicopter on the North Pole Chapel cemetery and went right inside the open door to Sinterklaas's mausoleum, where it was humid and so dark they instantly tumbled down a steep stairway because they couldn't see anything.

A thin corridor picked up where the stairs ended and led them to the heart of the mausoleum, where a shadow in the dark ran his hands over Sinterklaas's stone tomb. James lit his wand.

"There you are" he said when he saw that it was Sirius who was running his hands over the stone tomb for dramatic effect.

"Oh hello" Sirius replied.

"'Oh hello'? Why would you just take off with an evil scroll like that?"

"Why not?"

'Why not'? There was just no talking to him today. What was wrong with him? The ring on his finger glowed.

"Think about it" he said. "If I'm the one to raise Sinterklaas I will be in total control and can send him on anybody I want. Since his return has been foretold by horoscopes anyway, I thought, why don't I just make it happen? See, this is why I didn't say anything, because you don't like any magic outside the fluffy hug arts"

Then he cast a ring of fire around him, ironically, to keep anybody from interfering while he unrolled the scroll with the enchantment, but the flames weren't in the amber spectrum, no they looked very green and unnatural. As he read from the scroll his appearance began to change. His hair gew longer and with a streak of green, his body became a lot more hour-glass-y, or to put it bluntly, he grew boobs.

"Woopsie" said Bella. "It's so difficult to keep up appearances when one is distracted. Yes, it was I all along! I just came here to unleash a yeti to kill all citizens so I could use the island for evil reasons I won't go into because it's secret, innit? And then I ran into your friend of all people, so I knocked him out and snagged the scroll and his ring. It's been an efficient day. Oh, and watch this!"

She transformed her appearance again but this time she became a gangly old man in a mint tailcoat and cream waistcoat, and he looked so very familiar.

"Do you remember Mr. Bubbles Galore? Yes he, too, was I all along! I'd explain that, too, but long expositions isn't really how we do things where I'm from"

She transformed back to her most commonly used woman-form and finished reading the enchantment, her eyes spinning as the lid to the stone tomb glided off and a man in a lavender waistcoat with snowflake embroideries arose from his grave. Her cackling laughter echoed as the boys ran further down the mausoleum, not stopping until their lungs were too empty to let them continue. Catching their breath they noticed that no zombie was coming after them. Of course Bella didn't have time for that on Christmas Eve when she was scheduled to ruin Christmas and wipe out the North Pole population.

When they were back in the tomb they searched the floor using their wand lights and found Sirius lying in a corner, only just returning to consciousness.

"Where am I?" he asked, confused.

"Sinterklaas's mausoleum" James replied. "Why did you come here with the ring and the scroll?"

"Oh, that. For a moment, the idea of controlling a zombie was really tempting. Horoscopes predicted Sinterklaas' return, so I thought, why don't I do it? At least then I'd be in control!"

"And why didn't you?"

"I worried that I wouldn't be able to jellify or animorph again. Bella can't even summon anything but demons because she's done dark arts for so long. It's all she knows, now. What kind of life is that, having to walk places to get them?

He shook his head. "I thought I could have both. But what if all the mental privacy I've invaded and all the rats I've killed is the reason my patronus is so pitifully small"

"Goldcrests are pitifully small"

"But I want it to be big!"

"Size doesn't matter, some say"

"Bollocks!"

James helped Sirius to his feet and the boys left the mausoleum. Outside mass hysteria and utter chaos ruled the streets, as townspeople ran screaming from a raging yeti with glowing red eyes and teeth long as icicles.

"Oh no Bubbles!" said Remus, running up to the yeti in the hopes that the memory of his care would count for something. As he stood there, pleading to his former pet, a group of ten wizards in hunter robes shoved him aside while they dealt with Bubbles using level 18 fire whips.

Remus would have liked to have a go at killing them all in one go right now (although it was a bit optimistic since he had never killed before, but apparently it was very easy and required no practice), but his patronus wasn't particularly big either, being a butterfly.

Then a sleigh soared over his head in a cloud reeking of death. The reanimated body of Sinterklaas climbed out of the sleigh, bit the head off one hunter and spat out the skull while Bubbles gathered the nine remaining hunters and let Sinterklaas feast on them as well. When there were no ordinary brains left to be had, Sinterklaas got back in the sleigh and took off.

Whether or not Bubbles was prepared to tear Remus to pieces or not he couldn't know because next he began to fade. Shortly after he had gone entirely, James and Sirius came out from the mausoleum and locked the door with all the locking spells they knew.

"Ok inside the helicopter everybody" said James.

"I'm driving" said Sirius.

"Nuh uh"

"Can we at least flip a coin?"

"Ok you're tails"

James flipped a coin and it was heads. Sirius accused him from either lying or cheating and demanded a re-flip. And then another.

When at last the boys were inside the helicopter it propelled into the air and followed Sinterklaas's sleigh over North Pole City. The sleigh was fast and the distance between them kept increasing. There was no way they'd catch up. And Sinterklaas was so fast even though he had to stop at most chimneys and break into houses to stuff stockings with brains.

"I know!" said James and pointed at houses further away that had to be a bit down Sinterklass's list. "How about we just go there directly and wait for him?"

He steered the helicopter so they flew in a diagonal line over the town, parked on a flat roof top and hopped down the chimney where they burnt their bums slightly landing on fading embers.

It was night and the family that lived here had gone to bed and appeared to be in very deep slumber. The boys searched the drawing room as quietly as they could for sharp pointed objects and found themselves a fire iron, a curtain rod with a pointy tip and a javelin in one of the presents under the Christmas Tree that Santa Claus had delivered. Then they sat down in the sofa, read blessings over their weapons and had what remained of the soy milk and cookies while waiting.

Crack. The crack sent chills down their spines and stopped their hearts metaphorically. They could see the silhouette of Sinterklaas in the shadows and stood up, just watching the reanimated Dutchman in the newly fashioned tailcoat emerge from the shadow, his mouth curved in a twisted smile.

"Merry christmas" he said. "Deck the halls with boughs of... _braaaaaains!"  
_ He was very articulate for a zombie. James took the fire iron and rammed it through his dead chest, really sorry to ruin such a nice tailcoat that he secretely wanted to wear himself. But Sinterklaas just looked down and pulled it out.

"For you see..." he said, beginning an exposition by the sound of it. "I'm going to kill you now"

"You don't sound like a zombie" Sirius observed.

"That is a derogatory term" said Sinterklaas. "I have never felt more alive. I owe it all to the wonderful doctors at the Baron Samedi Hospital. They are world leading in the field of soul transplants"

"I'm confused. Are you dead or not?"

"I never died. My death was but a publicity stunt. But what about the enchantment and the ring, I hear you ask? All that was pretend, they aren't really assigned for me, but for my dead brother, who is a lot more famous than I am because he was Dumbledore's boyfriend for a while. The Dutch press are all leeches. Sinterklaas isn't my real name, I just assumed it because it sounded christmas-y"

Sinterklaas was happy to clarify some more things that needed it and it all came down to the charade he was putting up. Then the clock striked midnight and he was not willing to answer more questions. He was immune to all attacks because he was wearing the ring, too. And now he was going to kill them.

"Prepared to die" he said and although his colourful staff very much looked like something that could only spout bubblegum, it was capable of channeling a lot more wicked magic. A flash of green light shot from the tip and the boys ducked behind the sofa while the flashes kept coming. Remus put away his regular wand and held up his bubble staff. The next flash of green light hit the top bulb and became bubble gum as well as coloured the staff green, starting from the top and spreading downwards rapidly. Apparently this change was so upsetting Remus forgot to throw it away, so James took it and aimed it at a fireplace where he heard Death Eaters murmuring in the chimney and then die as they were blown to pieces, along with the bubble staff. While Sinterklaas was temporarily befuddled at the sheer absurdity of it all, Sirius hit him right in the heart with a green flash.


	25. Chapter 25

JINGLING WITH YETIS

DECEMBER 25 THURSDAY

That was the third time Sirius ended up at a hospital this month. How had he survived last night, when he had cast that green flashing light of doom although Sinterklaas had worn the protective ring? Well, there was a very good explanation for that and it was certainly not a plothole or some sort of careless mistake resulting from a lack of attentiveness.

"For you see..." Sirius began. "It was fake and I totally knew it"

"Boo" said James, not impressed in the least.

"Only the one who is-"

"Nope"

"Planet alignments and destiny shit?"

"You have until tomorrow to come up with a satisfactory explanation"

Then Healer Barley came in to show him the x-rays.

"Your soul was split here. Here is the fracture" he explained. "We're going to have to open you up to patch your soul together. Now, on a scale from 1 to 10, how much does your soul hurt right now?"

"Not at all" Sirius replied. "But I think my appendix burst"

"That's where your soul fracture is. You see, your soul is like Pangea before it parted into continents"  
"Ok you can go now"

"So, is that a 1, then?"

"If I say 10 will I get morphine?"

"All you can eat. Ok then I will check back on you later. We should be able to schedule you for some soul surgery tomorrow. It's a very basic and common procedure"  
"Really?"

"No"

Healer Barley stuck the journal under his arm and left. Sirius kicked off the blanket and sat up.

"This is stupid I feel fine" he said but hung around for the morphine. "I don't want soul surgery. I want to stick it someplace!"  
"You'd have to have it removed for that" said James. "They probably don't offer that service here"

A nurse came in with opium sweets. Sirius stuck them in his coat and discharged himself.

North Pole City was very quiet and fallen after yesterday's yeti rampage. Buildings had been turned to gravel and there was blood and entrails everywhere. That was the last time Remus alerted a wildlife protection organisation. Now he had learned to always deal with things himself and leave the professionals out of it.

"In one episode of Spells & Curses" James recalled, as the boys set course towards the parking. "Healer Coltsfoot needed soul patching. Then he became evil and stuck it in a scalpel all on his own, all he did was read some spell over it. That show probably takes a lot of artistic license, but he had to lay off the fluffy hug arts for an entire year to be able to do it, because it's so dark"

They hopped inside the helicopter and flew across the land, searching for a rocky and deserted area, where glacier topped mountains lined the horizon. When they had found a place like that, they landed and summoned Bubbles from the mausoleum and let him go free. Bubbles wasn't in an exteme hurry to flee them. He inspected the place in his usual slow pace, sniffing here and there and further and further away. The boys hung around, just watching him shrink as he roamed the rocky wilderness.

"Where would you stick it, then?" Remus asked.

"The planet!" Sirius replied with great enthusiasm and no hesitation.

"That sounds like it would be a lot more difficul than sticking it in something smaller"

That's what she said- jokes had been banned for the purpose of this conversation, in silent agreement.

"Ok the moon then"

"No that's out I want to destroy that"

"Now what else would be really smart... The ozone layer? No..."

"Social commentary har har..."

"I got it! I'd stick it in whatever they plan to send to space next, be it a satellite, rover, terrier. It's so brilliant it must have been done a thousand times"

But Remus, the eternal critic, somehow managed to find a flaw in such a perfect plan as well.  
"But a piece of you would forever be floating through endless space. A piece of you would be forever bored and adrift without a goal"

"Alright. A stripper pole"

"Now that's using your noodle" said James.

When Bubbles was a little dot in the horizon it was time to go home to their respective families and try to make it through one day without seeing eachother at all.

Fin.


End file.
